Originally Posted by
clarity888 
IMO, we always come back to a place of anger & upset when we think of FOO issues.
It's awful how it all just comes back. I'm much less emotional about it these days, but it still gets stuck in my head.
At least if they have never acknowledged or asked for forgiveness for their role.
That's a joke and will NEVER happen. I just read an article online written by a psychologist about people who are too rigid to forgive. The examples he gave were peanuts compared with the type of stuff my FOO has done to me without forgiveness. Not only is there never any asking of forgiveness, or even acknowledging their hurt and mistakes, but it's always blamed back on me.
I know that's when "forgiving is freeing ourselves" and all that.
I've actually posted on SR to help people understand about forgiveness. But when sh*t starts happening again in the present moment, it's like the mind-muscle memory of the past abuse comes back. AA talks about letting go of the anger because it's only hurting US, but it's not always easy to do.
I have been looking for reasons why my own father worked hard to convince me my mother did not love me.
I can help with this one. A therapist once told me to not expect rational or logical behavior from irrational and illogical people. When I learned to stop asking "why", look for reasons, or people-please myself to death to try to stop the abuse, things got easier for me. My father and I used to have a good relationship, but my mother gaslighted me to him like mad, so eventually he started to believe everything she said to him about me. Which is a shame, because his mother was also evil and gaslighted him to everyone in the family so you'd think he'd know better. Whatever.
I don't care anymore that I'm not loved. I stopped looking for love from these people who don't love themselves and cannot love others. What I thought was love that I saw, was not love at all, but the sick, twisted enmeshment by these type of people.
I agree the mind-f*ck is as bad as other types of abuse, and have read that it is
.
That's interesting you've read that. I haven't. I will definitely check out the books you recommended. I have been trying lately to not read self-help books because they reopen wounds. But I'm going to check these out and read them without bringing up the emotional pain from the past.
I don't know about NC; when I've done it, I've been blamed, when they do it, it's still my fault.
That is EXACTLY my experience. I don't know how to not take on the blame and just observe it from non-attachment.