Pathwaytofree

Some days I think I should've stayed no contact for my own sanity, but I let guilt talk me into breaking that.

I can't stand this.

They got back into my life again, more than the very low contact I had been keeping. Yeah I made the mistake years ago of letting my sibling force it out of me that I had been going to a therapist and that I was going very low contact for my benefit. Bad mistake. They "punished" (her words) me for that one. Fortunately I finally learned my lesson and I try for the most part to not let them manipulate me into telling them what they want to know that's absolutely none of their f*cking business. They still treat me like a child and never wanted me to become an adult in the first place. I won't stand for it anymore. I'm not afraid of them anymore. I used to wish she'd just kill me already because then at least it'd all be finally over. I remember that day when I had that shift. I just wanted it to end. My mother's abuse was at her worst when I was becoming a young mature woman, because that threatened her sense of power and control. Fear of abandonment? Yeah, but not because she loved me. Because she needed someone weaker than her to **** on for the rest of her life so she wouldn't implode. Her rages back then were so bad, it was as if her anger inside of her was turning her inside out. No one knew, because no one was ever home when she had them. It was just me and her. If I told people they wouldn't believe it. The one friend I did tell--when he came over, my mother was able to flick her switch and was sort of like in a cold-but-quiet-type of way by the time he arrived. My friend was puzzled. We watched t.v. I couldn't put into words what the f*ck was going on.

Fortunately from all the very hard work I've done over the years in recovery and in therapy, I am for the most part in the moment handling it well. I am able to do the "gray rock" thing my therapist explained to me. In the past, I'd be so emotional from how they all treated me, that I wouldn't be able to process or follow through on professional advice. I have to keep reminding myself of this great accomplishment. I've only ever so slightly gotten pulled back in, and I was able to pull myself back out.

But I can't stand the insanity of it all. They are bat **** warped crazy people who have their own realities. And their realities are really f*cked up. I'm tired of their gas-lighting, manipulation, sweet one minute to flick of the switch mean and nasty the next minute, the crazy communication with all the f*cked up emails and phone calls (and nowadays texts). I'm tired of the mental games, the he-said-she-said nonsense, the one person telling one person one thing and then saying to keep a secret, and then telling another person something completely different. I'm tired of my mother and siblings creating drama and chaos, because that's their drug of choice.

I'm tired.

I just want to live a simple, quiet, calm, drama-free, chaos-free, insane-people free life. Is that too much to ask for? Yes it's very lonely at times. But it's f*cking SAFE.

How come I'm not feeling any better if this time around I am able to handle them appropriately? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Why oh why could they not have just kicked the living **** out of me which is so much easier to validate and explain?!?! I could've taken photos of black and blue marks and bruises and broken bones. But not this mind-f*ck sh*t.

I hate being the family scapegoat. I wasn't part of their unit, and they severely punished me for wanting to get the f*ck out and be someone different.

I should've changed my name, my phone number, moved, and never looked back when I had the chance. I can't stand being a part of them. I wish I was adopted because at least I could say I don't share their same genes. It sucks not having family and it's lonely at the holidays but I think that would've been the lesser of two evils.

How do I get out of this? I don't want to back slide. I want to be strong and not let them snake their way back into my head. What other tools can I use in addition to Gray Rock? How do I get them out of my head? It drains me of brain energy when I think about them too much. I'm finding myself going down the rabbit hole of thinking about all the abusive things they've done to me in the past, and it's not a good place to go.

suki44883

You still have the chance. Many have had to remove their FOO from their lives because they are toxic. It's sad, but for some of us to survive, it has to be done. Why torture yourself?

Pathwaytofree

Because it's extreme and drastic. That being said, I'm angry and pissed at my old self who couldn't do that when I had the chance.

And because sometimes I feel like it's better to have a family that is abusive then to have no family at all.

I have a friend who had a very messed up FOO, in different ways then I did. But she kicked a%%, was strong and a bitch where needed, and didn't look back. She has her own life now. She's successful, driven, married with her own children. She has many friends. She improved her social skills (she's really into being kind now, which keeps the bitch in her from coming out in friendships where not needed).

She certainly doesn't get stuck in her head about her past. She's been accused of being "cruel/cold" to her elderly mother when she visits her in the nursing home, but by people who have no idea what her mother did to her growing up. I doubt she's doing or saying anything other than not being warm and not staying long, which unfortunately is not socially acceptable around people who don't know what kind of mother she was.

Where did I fail that I couldn't do this for myself?
Why did I listen to the guilt of "but they're your family....!!"
I'm sick of this and am angry at myself.
Some days I feel like I will never get over the past and it pisses me off.

Mango212

I still believe in praying, following and trusting I'll be guided "One Day at a Time".

None of what's going on makes sense. I keep seeing God signs. So far I have been led to healing, learning new skills, strength, finding more pain, healthy ways to release pain, stress and anxiety. My anxieties are gone. My faith is strengthening.

suki44883

Sometimes extreme and drastic is what is necessary. You CAN remove them from your life. Having a toxic family is NOT better than having no family at all. You can make your own family from friends you meet. Millions of people have done it and you can, too.

Pathwaytofree

Thank you, Suki.

I seriously needed to hear this.

My extremely toxic sibling thinks she can just push her way into my life again with her sugary-sweet love bomb after over a decade of cutting me off. I need to remind myself this is a drastic push-pull she's doing, and I will not stand for it.

F*ck the societal guilt. I need to stand tall and do what I need to do for ME.

I need to pound it into my head what you wrote here.

Thank you for the permission to go against societal norms.

Do you tell people you have a toxic family and that's why you're not in touch with them? Or do you smile politely and say "It's complicated."?

AutumnMama

Most people don't ask why I don't go visit my mother very often. I think dysfunctional relationships are more common than you think, so people can read through the lines pretty easily. It's also not any of their business!

Mango212

"I've stepped out of dysfunctional family dynamics." works for me.

Crazy humor in this. Being led directly into the dysfunction again, yet I know this will work out and I'm finding a level of hope I didn't realize was possible.

suki44883

You are stronger than you think you are.

Mango212

Pathwaytofree,

Have you ever gone completely NC?

Glenjo99

"When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don’t care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we’re showing how much we care.

We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don’t work. Even when we’re right, controlling doesn’t work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.

As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.

We learn something else too. Detachment—letting go of our need to control people—enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.

Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same". ~codependent no more (melody beattie).

~ Thought I'd throw this up as a reminder for myself aswell why we detach.

hopeful4

Not your circus, not your monkey.

It's very hard to step away, but it sounds like that is just what you need. You are giving them a lot of power over your emotional well being that they don't deserve. Be matter of fact w/them, and steele yourself emotionally and don't participate in the aftermath. If you don't respond at all, it's very difficult for a person to continue on and on. Eventually it will stop. Gray Rock is a very useful technique.

Sending you big hugs. Work on being close to those who do treat you right, those people are family, blood or not.

Pathwaytofree

Hi Suki,

THANK YOU. These are words I must pound into my head. And these are words that AA never taught me. Fortunately I am teaching them to myself thanks to my therapist bringing it up a few months ago.

I realize I have always been strong, since a very young age. But my FOO did everything they could to try to crush that. But they only thought it worked. I no longer believe their lies anymore that they put into my head about myself or others.

I think I will write that sentence on a post-it and tape it to my mirror.

PTF

Pathwaytofree

-I went VLC. It was suggested by my therapist to go NC, but I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
-Then they went NC with me to punish me for going VLC. (My sibling told them what I was doing.)
-But they said (lied) they were going NC for something else.
-When they resumed contact, they acted like nothing had happened. Then they started to test boundaries again.

F*cked up, no?

Pathwaytofree

Glenjo99 - Thank you for your post about detachment. I've got to reread that book. It didn't sink in the first time I read it.

Pathwaytofree

I love that quote. :-) I once saw someone wearing that as a t-shirt.

You're right.

This is a very true statement and one I've lived my entire life unfortunately. I need to take my power back.

I've gotten much better at doing this

Not sure what this means?

Do you mean don't participate in their reaction?? My pdoc told me recently how they react or how they feel is not my responsibility.

I have to keep practicing this, because I need to get better at it. Sometimes it feels like it's cold, and then I start to feel bad. But I'll keep trying. It seems to be working with my sibling, which means she's figured out that I'm not the same person I used to be. And I've got strength of steel that she cannot bend to bring the old me back. I've transformed from the inside out from all my recovery work and therapy work.

Thank you so much.

trailmix

First of all, why are you angry at yourself? You were/are abused and you are angry at yourself. Do you see the problem there?

If you did something wrong I could see you being upset with yourself but you were abused and gas-lighted and you are then angry with yourself for perhaps not having all the strength/tools to defend yourself.

I think you can just shake that off, it doesn't help you at all, take some of that anger perhaps and place it where it belongs, at the abuse or at the abuser, wherever you are more comfortable placing it.

As for the "they are your family", that's just crap lol - No one and I mean NO ONE knows what you went through, they absolutely cannot understand where you are coming from so don't expect them to.

No contact, that's the way forward in my opinion and yes, that means just shutting the whole thing down right now. No need to feel guilty, you are protecting yourself and if you don't who exactly is going to do that for you? Doesn't mean you have to go NC forever, maybe a year, maybe longer, you get to decide. They will still be there when you decide to speak to them again, still just as mean, still just as dysfunctional, that won't change, how you approach it all will change.

No, having an abusive family is not better than having no contact. Every little bit of this hurts you and if you allow it to continue how can you heal from it? It's like someone punching you in the face every day and then wondering why that black eye never seems to get any better.

I went NC with my Father for about a year. He didn't like it and kept trying to contact me. He would call, I wouldn't answer. I had had enough! Enough of the rambling and the advice and just everything. No one in my family questioned it, that I can remember. I did eventually speak to him again. Nothing changed but it was a good break for me.

clarity888

IMO, we always come back to a place of anger & upset when we think of FOO issues. At least if they have never acknowledged or asked for forgiveness for their role. I know that's when "forgiving is freeing ourselves" and all that. I have been looking for reasons why my own father worked hard to convince me my mother did not love me. I agree the mind-f*ck is as bad as other types of abuse, and have read that it is. I don't know about NC; when I've done it, I've been blamed, when they do it, it's still my fault. John Bradshaw's On The Family may be worth a read. I haven't laid eyes on it in 20 years, it's supposed to be good. Also, the book Adult Children, The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families--I am reading it. You may have read that one already.

Mango212

What I found in No Contact with my parents was a lot of fear, anxiety and freedom. The fears and anxieties brought awareness of how dysfunctional the relationships were. Facing these things and walking through them allows the space, time and healing support needed to fully release the trauma.

Mango212

I came to the realization that healthy relationships can handle periods of having space and time apart. It's okay to take this one day at a time. No big decisions. Simply, easily this one moment, this one breath, this one day. As we learn to trust the healthy inner guidance inside us, big changes are possible.

Everything from toxic/dysfunctional relationships that I dumped or brought to the thrift store felt good to do in that moment. More freedom from "stuff" and toxic bonds.

The little steps work together to build confidence, strength and resiliency.

This has also opened up room for good things in my life. Good connections, healthy relationships and material things that hold good meanings for me.

Even this airbnb I'm at has great ties to really good, kind people and I appreciate these things on a new level. Teachers, artists, builders, solid roots and connections that speak to my heart.