Well,thank God - Im off the methadone now 4-5 months later.This is how I did it: I started ******* around with benzos more than I ever have and started having blackouts on them.This is very dangerous and Im lucky I didnt die of cardiac arrest although I will say I wasnt taking handfuls - just like 2- maybe up to 6 if that of clonopin or 1 whole Xanax bar,etc. - maybe a beer or 4 here and there.And so one night on my way to my sloth-nest (tent utop old decrepid mattress near a freeway slope behind a neighborhood -best sleep I was enjoying of my life I must say) for some reason (perhaps demon-possessed
??) I trespassed onto a Volkswagen dealership parking lot and smashed out some car windows yielding a heavy chain and apparently a table according to pictures I was shown by my public defender and was arrested for it days later. So in other words I hit a good bottom with the help of benzos doing something crazy that I barely remember in a blackout and went to jail for a month and a half....I avoided getting the pukes real horaciously bad by only sipping alittle water and barely eating from like day 3 to 9 wich to my dismay made me chronicly dehydrated (it seemed I could never drink enough water after that and kept showing symptoms of dehydration) and by day 9 though I was proclaiming to be "well" pretty much but it was a very low standard of well....Its hard to distinguish because the kick is so slow and gradual.I never ended up pissing out of my ass either oddly enough during the first week.In fact I was anticipating diahrea because by maybe day 11 my appetite came back with a vengeance and from that point on I was eating as much as I could get my hands on but was not defecating in seeming proportion to how much I was eating (like my dijestive system slowed down way too much)..Of course that was one of the main dehydration symptoms because your ass needs your head to be drinking plenty of water so it can have to fluids to excrete your poop....The worst part was laying in jail utterly depressed and hopeless feeling unwilling to get up and move around much at all and laying there almost 24/7 even though it was excrutiating on my body to lay that much and I would only sleep for afew moments here and there at night and barely during the day.That went on the whole time I was in there.Laying there and my heart pounding the whole time over 100 beats a minute (up to 120 beats a minute even at night when "sleeping") being convinced that this is permanent heart disease I was suffering and that it was surely getting damaged and enlarged (I am a hypocondriac and but my heart still wont go back to a good 60 beats a minute more or less like it was and it worries me)...Its been very hellish and I still feel very crappy and depressed and like I wish I could just go to sleep forever.Any words of encouragement are very welcome.