Hello friends of SR. I have lurked here for about a decade. Its really really REALLY time I get honest with myself and others. I have been struggling with alcohol pretty constantly for 12 years.
I am 32 /f and began abusing alcohol at 20. I have an awesome and supportive girlfriend who is a non drinker and she has 2 children from a previous relationship. I am currently 3 days sober after a visit to the er after a 4 day beer binge. I had 32 days prior to that. I am a binge drinker and can go weeks or months with Maybe having a drink or 2. But then a full moon happens and I'm pmsing and stressed out from kids and work and bam. Massive Destruction. Existential Boredom is also a trigger if that makes sense. I am very artistic and emotional but stuck in the grind of paying bills and keeping house. Not enough time for self care. Sorry I'm rambling, its hard to elegantly weave this together. In the past 2 years I have had a hard time keeping a job for longer than a month or two. After a binge, I hide under the covers for a few days covered in shame and guilt and literally just do not go to work. Then feel better, panic, and take the first crap job that hires me. I'm on number 8 this year if you can believe it. I am smart and a hard worker so its a big source of guilt for me.
My recent binge was triggerd by going to my dads house about an hour away. He is a pretty severe alcoholic and so is my older brother that lives there with them. It was his birthday so I took him some food and hung out because he doesn't have hardly anyone and I love him to death. But there's ALWAYS ample beer there. And wine god knows what else. And we are good time kinda people you know, listening to good tunes, talking films, and having drinks. However he seems more concerned with having a drinking buddy than his kids problems. I know my problem is not his problem and he is sick with this too, but he makes zero effort.
So what's my plan you ask? Well, ive never been able to get "with" AA , lord knows ive tried. Ive brought several self help books along the way and continue to read them and come here. After my er visit for withdrawals, they suggested a treatment center for an IOP program which I start Friday but cannot get into see a physician there until the 28th of November. Ive been put on antidepressants before and I think could really use them right now. I excercise and eat well the majority of the time. Drinking lots of water. I am really struggling with all this guilt and shame tho, its exhausting! I worry about what my gf's family thinks about me too much. That I'm a failure. Even tho her mom is 5 years sober from a similar scenario. I am scared to DEATH I'm gonna get behind the wheel blackout and kill someone, because I have done that recently. Its a christmas freaking miracle i didn't get a dui or wreck this past time. I am so grateful for that. But I know I'm not going to be that lucky every time and then ill really be sorry, charlie Brown. So, in closing, pray for me. I'm gonna pray for you all and continue to come here everyday and continue to give this thing Hell. Thanks for reading all this crap
Hard advice welcome! Tell me like it is.