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Feeling Heavy

Old 10-31-2018, 05:19 PM
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Feeling Heavy

Hello friends of SR. I have lurked here for about a decade. Its really really REALLY time I get honest with myself and others. I have been struggling with alcohol pretty constantly for 12 years.
I am 32 /f and began abusing alcohol at 20. I have an awesome and supportive girlfriend who is a non drinker and she has 2 children from a previous relationship. I am currently 3 days sober after a visit to the er after a 4 day beer binge. I had 32 days prior to that. I am a binge drinker and can go weeks or months with Maybe having a drink or 2. But then a full moon happens and I'm pmsing and stressed out from kids and work and bam. Massive Destruction. Existential Boredom is also a trigger if that makes sense. I am very artistic and emotional but stuck in the grind of paying bills and keeping house. Not enough time for self care. Sorry I'm rambling, its hard to elegantly weave this together. In the past 2 years I have had a hard time keeping a job for longer than a month or two. After a binge, I hide under the covers for a few days covered in shame and guilt and literally just do not go to work. Then feel better, panic, and take the first crap job that hires me. I'm on number 8 this year if you can believe it. I am smart and a hard worker so its a big source of guilt for me.
My recent binge was triggerd by going to my dads house about an hour away. He is a pretty severe alcoholic and so is my older brother that lives there with them. It was his birthday so I took him some food and hung out because he doesn't have hardly anyone and I love him to death. But there's ALWAYS ample beer there. And wine god knows what else. And we are good time kinda people you know, listening to good tunes, talking films, and having drinks. However he seems more concerned with having a drinking buddy than his kids problems. I know my problem is not his problem and he is sick with this too, but he makes zero effort.
So what's my plan you ask? Well, ive never been able to get "with" AA , lord knows ive tried. Ive brought several self help books along the way and continue to read them and come here. After my er visit for withdrawals, they suggested a treatment center for an IOP program which I start Friday but cannot get into see a physician there until the 28th of November. Ive been put on antidepressants before and I think could really use them right now. I excercise and eat well the majority of the time. Drinking lots of water. I am really struggling with all this guilt and shame tho, its exhausting! I worry about what my gf's family thinks about me too much. That I'm a failure. Even tho her mom is 5 years sober from a similar scenario. I am scared to DEATH I'm gonna get behind the wheel blackout and kill someone, because I have done that recently. Its a christmas freaking miracle i didn't get a dui or wreck this past time. I am so grateful for that. But I know I'm not going to be that lucky every time and then ill really be sorry, charlie Brown. So, in closing, pray for me. I'm gonna pray for you all and continue to come here everyday and continue to give this thing Hell. Thanks for reading all this crap Hard advice welcome! Tell me like it is.
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:44 PM
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Welcome to SR. Use this resource indefinitely.
You've laid out a hell of an argument for quitting drinking. Now you just need to take the steps to get here. Reaching out here is a great step 1. Much wiser and more experienced members will offer suggestions for the rest. Listen to them all, find the ones that will work best for you, and take action.
Sobriety doesn't happen by accident.
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:47 PM
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Oh, btw, the advice isn't hard. The work is though. But you can do it.
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:50 PM
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Welcome, MustAbide. It's wonderful to have you join us. Be glad you're taking a hard look at what alcohol is doing to your life.

Like you, I knew at 20 that I was abusing alcohol. I fancied myself a social drinker back then, and refused to admit the truth. It seemed that life would be so boring if I had to quit. I never dreamed that I'd end up drinking 24/7, with a ruined life. This never has to happen to you. Keep reading & posting. We care about you & want to help.
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:57 PM
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Welcome, and it sounds like you're ready to do this. I agree with you that the guilt and shame involved with alcoholism are so hard to deal with. That is the way the disease keeps you hooked. I felt so ashamed and miserable that I would end up turning to alcohol again and again.

I think that starting an IOP Program on Friday is a good start, and so is talking to your doctor. And, do not underestimate the importance of self-care. Sometimes we need to stop and look after ourselves, as well as caring for those around us.
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:00 PM
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Hevyn, Finalround, thank you for your caring replys. It means a lot knowing other people umderstand what this is like. Its nice to have a community of helpful folks for wisdom and advice.
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:01 PM
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Thank you Anna!
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:04 PM
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Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:51 PM
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Welcome aboard MustAbide
sounds like you have a lot of reasons to quit

If I can do it, anyone can
I am scared to DEATH I'm gonna get behind the wheel blackout and kill someone, because I have done that recently.
Yeah, don't drink and drive - under any circumstances thats a really bad selfish and foolish idea.

D
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:51 PM
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That was a nice, honest, self-appraisal of where you stand today, MustAbide. I'm looking forward to seeing you around SR and wish you well on your start and continuance into recovery.
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Old 10-31-2018, 07:02 PM
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Welcome to the posting side! As others have said, you've laid out quite a case: Your life has clearly become unmanageable (blackout driving, losing jobs, etc.) The next step is the most important one: Do not drink. When the occasions arise when you would normally drink to cope (they will), you need to figure out how to do something different instead. The good news is, you won't feel deprived and like you are missing out forever, it will be tough at the beginning but with the support of other people (here or IRL), if you want it...you will absolutely be able to do it. No excuses. We are here with you.
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Old 10-31-2018, 07:29 PM
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Thank you all. I am starting to feel like it is within my reach. For so long its like I just knew a relapse was inevitable . but you all make it clear recovery is possible with total dedication and daily work.
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Old 10-31-2018, 09:53 PM
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Yes, Recovery is absolutely possible! It takes hard work and commitment, having a plan and staying accountable. You can do it!
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Old 10-31-2018, 10:30 PM
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Recovery is absolutely possible. It’s a fight that is absolutely worth fighting. I know it was for me. I didn’t get the pink fluffy cloud sobriety. It was a fight everyday. I had to change the way I drove home, which added another 20 minutes to an already hour long drive home, to avoid the stores that carried alcohol. I had to change the friends I hung out with and thank god for my sponsor. The poor guy had to come over to the house in the middle of the night. Even after that I relapsed and ended up waking up in a cell. Drunk with a gun. Not good. My sponsor really crawled up my hind end after that. I learned from it and moved forward. I fought and fought and made the changes and it stuck. Finally. It wasn’t easy and sometimes it still isn’t. I wouldn’t change any of it. I’m a better person for it. It’s worth the fight. If no one has told yet today know that I love you and I have faith in you!
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