Fearlessat50

I feel that by now I should be pretty strong in my sobriety. But I feel weak. I feel bad that I am weak. I have had so many chances to drink over the last 1.5+ years and have remained steadfast. From significant birthdays, anniversaries, social functions and work parties, from feeling bad about myself to feeling mad at my husband, a friend, my boss, misfortunate life events, etc, I’ve gotten through every fleeting thought of drinking and declined every offer. This all became easier over time.

The one thing that will always make me feel strong urges to drink is when things are difficult with my son. I honestly don’t think I will ever overcome this. I came from a crazy house where two of my siblings committed suicide. I was always just waiting for the worst to happen, then it did. It’s like a conditioned response where I’m still waiting for the worst thing to happen in my life.

Things were difficult today and the situation has not yet blown over. My son has serious anger issues. Despite our best efforts, changes to medication, etc, I think this will always be a part of him. I have so much fear that he will not be ok in life. I know he is not the same as either of my siblings. But there are similarities and there’s a genetic history. I think “what if?” That could happen. Again to someone in my life, more than just someone in my life, my child. I asked my husband “what would you do if he committed suicide one day.” He just gave me a blank stare. I feel like an idiot. What a stupid question.

I want to drink right now. But I won’t. No matter what happens. I am committed.

No matter how bad things are or become, drinking can always make it worse. There is always a choice. There is always gratitude.

Thanks for listening.