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Old 10-28-2018, 08:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The one thing that will always make me want to drink


I feel that by now I should be pretty strong in my sobriety. But I feel weak. I feel bad that I am weak. I have had so many chances to drink over the last 1.5+ years and have remained steadfast. From significant birthdays, anniversaries, social functions and work parties, from feeling bad about myself to feeling mad at my husband, a friend, my boss, misfortunate life events, etc, Iíve gotten through every fleeting thought of drinking and declined every offer. This all became easier over time.

The one thing that will always make me feel strong urges to drink is when things are difficult with my son. I honestly donít think I will ever overcome this. I came from a crazy house where two of my siblings committed suicide. I was always just waiting for the worst to happen, then it did. Itís like a conditioned response where Iím still waiting for the worst thing to happen in my life.

Things were difficult today and the situation has not yet blown over. My son has serious anger issues. Despite our best efforts, changes to medication, etc, I think this will always be a part of him. I have so much fear that he will not be ok in life. I know he is not the same as either of my siblings. But there are similarities and thereís a genetic history. I think ďwhat if?Ē That could happen. Again to someone in my life, more than just someone in my life, my child. I asked my husband ďwhat would you do if he committed suicide one day.Ē He just gave me a blank stare. I feel like an idiot. What a stupid question.

I want to drink right now. But I wonít. No matter what happens. I am committed.

No matter how bad things are or become, drinking can always make it worse. There is always a choice. There is always gratitude.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-28-2018, 09:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You've got a lot on your plate. I used to drink over spats with my girls and it always just made things worse. I'm glad you confided in us. Trouble shared is trouble halved.

PS, it may not always make you want to drink. Feelings can change, situations can change. Just because you feel this way now doesn't mean you'll always feel this way. Give yourself more sober time.
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Old 10-28-2018, 09:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm wishing the best for you and your son - having a loving supportive parent is a great thing to have in your corner

The AV, Beast, call it what you like, is such a vile disgusting and debased creature that it will use anything to get you to drink again - even the fears you have for your son.

It doesn't care that you drinking will make things worse.
It could not care less.

Continue to fight it - you're doing doing great

D
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Old 10-28-2018, 10:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by least View Post
You've got a lot on your plate. I used to drink over spats with my girls and it always just made things worse. I'm glad you confided in us. Trouble shared is trouble halved.

PS, it may not always make you want to drink. Feelings can change, situations can change. Just because you feel this way now doesn't mean you'll always feel this way. Give yourself more sober time.
Thank you, least. Iím glad I came here tonight to read and post. It really helps. It also helps knowing Iím not the only one finding parenting difficult. Some have easy kids, some have difficult ones. But no matter what itís challenging and we can all learn from each other. Thanks for that thought also about maybe it wonít always make me want to drink, and to be patient with myself. Iím sure you are right.
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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.
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Old 10-28-2018, 10:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm wishing the best for you and your son - having a loving supportive parent is a great thing to have in your corner

The AV, Beast, call it what you like, is such a vile disgusting and debased creature that it will use anything to get you to drink again - even the fears you have for your son.

It doesn't care that you drinking will make things worse.
It could not care less.

Continue to fight it - you're doing doing great

D
Thanks Dee. I agree the best thing I can give my son is love and support and the best way I can do that is sober and present. My parents were not present for me and my siblings so I know my situation now raising my son and being in a healthy marriage is already giving him a better environment and chance to grow.

Iíll keep fighting this and I know I will get stronger.
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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.
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