Fearlessat50

I feel that by now I should be pretty strong in my sobriety. But I feel weak. I feel bad that I am weak. I have had so many chances to drink over the last 1.5+ years and have remained steadfast. From significant birthdays, anniversaries, social functions and work parties, from feeling bad about myself to feeling mad at my husband, a friend, my boss, misfortunate life events, etc, I’ve gotten through every fleeting thought of drinking and declined every offer. This all became easier over time.

The one thing that will always make me feel strong urges to drink is when things are difficult with my son. I honestly don’t think I will ever overcome this. I came from a crazy house where two of my siblings committed suicide. I was always just waiting for the worst to happen, then it did. It’s like a conditioned response where I’m still waiting for the worst thing to happen in my life.

Things were difficult today and the situation has not yet blown over. My son has serious anger issues. Despite our best efforts, changes to medication, etc, I think this will always be a part of him. I have so much fear that he will not be ok in life. I know he is not the same as either of my siblings. But there are similarities and there’s a genetic history. I think “what if?” That could happen. Again to someone in my life, more than just someone in my life, my child. I asked my husband “what would you do if he committed suicide one day.” He just gave me a blank stare. I feel like an idiot. What a stupid question.

I want to drink right now. But I won’t. No matter what happens. I am committed.

No matter how bad things are or become, drinking can always make it worse. There is always a choice. There is always gratitude.

Thanks for listening.

least

You've got a lot on your plate. I used to drink over spats with my girls and it always just made things worse. I'm glad you confided in us. Trouble shared is trouble halved.

PS, it may not always make you want to drink. Feelings can change, situations can change. Just because you feel this way now doesn't mean you'll always feel this way. Give yourself more sober time.

Dee74

I'm wishing the best for you and your son - having a loving supportive parent is a great thing to have in your corner

The AV, Beast, call it what you like, is such a vile disgusting and debased creature that it will use anything to get you to drink again - even the fears you have for your son.

It doesn't care that you drinking will make things worse.
It could not care less.

Continue to fight it - you're doing doing great

D

Fearlessat50

Thank you, least. I’m glad I came here tonight to read and post. It really helps. It also helps knowing I’m not the only one finding parenting difficult. Some have easy kids, some have difficult ones. But no matter what it’s challenging and we can all learn from each other. Thanks for that thought also about maybe it won’t always make me want to drink, and to be patient with myself. I’m sure you are right.

Fearlessat50

Thanks Dee. I agree the best thing I can give my son is love and support and the best way I can do that is sober and present. My parents were not present for me and my siblings so I know my situation now raising my son and being in a healthy marriage is already giving him a better environment and chance to grow.

I’ll keep fighting this and I know I will get stronger.