Anniversary and exah still triggering me
It's 4 years since we divorced and 9 since we separated. 25 years he has been in my life. Exah is still around, still triggering me and still show no sign of ever working out what he did.
Our autistic adult son won't leave the house so he visits him here....when he remembers. While he is here is usually on his phone organising his busy social life and chatting to his friends. He has a lot of friends. He goes to many places. He has money he spends on himself. He just moved house to a big place by the sea. He does as he pleases.
He talks like he was the victim. His alcohol abuse was something that happened to him and he had no choices, in his view. He still says things that make me realise he firmly believes I ( and his brother lol) caused his drinking. When I refute that he just looks around with a smirk on his face and I can't argue with him that he is the popular one. He is the one everyone likes. He is the one with the social life, with friends. I am the one left with all the responsibility. I am the one so damaged by our lives together there is not enough lifetime left to fix me. I avoid people. I live like a recluse. I don't think I am good enough. I still see myself through his eyes. Some of my kids hate me cos of him but he sits there smoking and he doesn't care. His whole world view is through his selfish len. He sat there and actually asked me if he could take one of my cats. He was serious! This is after he abused 2 of them until I rescued them when he was passed out drunk one morning. I was gobsmacked.
Ds escapes as soon as he can back to his room ( ds will not come out and say he doesn't want him around but that is how he is acting) and exah leaves to do this thing. It's over for another week. It's been 9 years. I need to get myself into a better place than this but part of me thinks this is as good as I'll ever be so suck it up buttercup.
It's made me hard. My tolerance to alcoholics is zero now. It is fair to say I cannot stand them. Am sorry but that is the truth of it. For that reason I am not going to post on here at the moment. I am saying it like it is too often and my posts are harsh.