Anniversary and exah still triggering me

Old 10-25-2018, 03:12 PM
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Anniversary and exah still triggering me

It's 4 years since we divorced and 9 since we separated. 25 years he has been in my life. Exah is still around, still triggering me and still show no sign of ever working out what he did.

Our autistic adult son won't leave the house so he visits him here....when he remembers. While he is here is usually on his phone organising his busy social life and chatting to his friends. He has a lot of friends. He goes to many places. He has money he spends on himself. He just moved house to a big place by the sea. He does as he pleases.

He talks like he was the victim. His alcohol abuse was something that happened to him and he had no choices, in his view. He still says things that make me realise he firmly believes I ( and his brother lol) caused his drinking. When I refute that he just looks around with a smirk on his face and I can't argue with him that he is the popular one. He is the one everyone likes. He is the one with the social life, with friends. I am the one left with all the responsibility. I am the one so damaged by our lives together there is not enough lifetime left to fix me. I avoid people. I live like a recluse. I don't think I am good enough. I still see myself through his eyes. Some of my kids hate me cos of him but he sits there smoking and he doesn't care. His whole world view is through his selfish len. He sat there and actually asked me if he could take one of my cats. He was serious! This is after he abused 2 of them until I rescued them when he was passed out drunk one morning. I was gobsmacked.

Ds escapes as soon as he can back to his room ( ds will not come out and say he doesn't want him around but that is how he is acting) and exah leaves to do this thing. It's over for another week. It's been 9 years. I need to get myself into a better place than this but part of me thinks this is as good as I'll ever be so suck it up buttercup.

It's made me hard. My tolerance to alcoholics is zero now. It is fair to say I cannot stand them. Am sorry but that is the truth of it. For that reason I am not going to post on here at the moment. I am saying it like it is too often and my posts are harsh.
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Old 10-25-2018, 04:24 PM
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Ladybird...I can empathize with everything you have shared.....you don't post too often and I don't think you are too harsh.....
It looks, to me, like he h as left you with the short end of the stick....and, abdicated his human responsibilities....It must feel sooo unfair!
You can take pride in that you have not left your human responsibilities behind....
Life is not a popularity contest....

Please don't give up on yourself....
You are good enough....and, every situation has room to be improved....
Maybe, you filter does need some adjustment...lol...
Maybe, you have been too isolated for too long, and, maybe a bit depressed....it would be very understandable....
Who cares what he thinks and what his social circle thinks. Your contract is not with him...it is with God/Universe.....
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Old 10-25-2018, 04:30 PM
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Just a suggestion but when your Son hightails it out of the room (smart boy) you could ask the ex to leave. Why he thinks he can then just hang out with you I have no idea.

A simple - the visit is over - should suffice.

Also, I would shut him down the moment he discusses anything other than your Son. As soon as the words - You and Brother starts to leave his mouth I would be walking out to the kitchen, no reply.

Don't JADE - justify, argue, defend, explain

You will never get him to see your point of view, that's obvious at this point, it is impossible for him, you are of two separate mindsets, it just can't happen.

I'm sorry you going through this. Do you attend counselling of any kind?

As your Son is an adult and the visits aren't pleasant for him it would seem, perhaps they could be cut down to say once a month?
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Old 10-26-2018, 12:03 AM
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I Do not view your posts as harsh.

I view your posts as painfully honest, huge difference.

Maybe a good time to explore your desired interests.?

Make a plan?

And do something good for yourself.?

I have great empathy for how you have been treated. There online support groups for alienated parents, I would be happy to share some links. You/ we are not alone.
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Old 10-26-2018, 12:13 AM
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I have two boys with Autism. In the past, I have a hard time getting, My oldest to leave the house too. Raising a child with Autism is, in simplest terms, HARD. I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

Look what you've been through with your ex, your older kids, your son. You've been through the wringer, many times! I've read many of your posts. I can feel the hurt just from reading your words. I don't know you personally. Maybe you don't feel like you're good enough, but you are! You matter, you deserve to be happy just like the rest of us.

I hope you don't leave SR. Post when you need to, it helps to get it out.
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Old 10-26-2018, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I am the one left with all the responsibility. I am the one so damaged by our lives together there is not enough lifetime left to fix me. I avoid people. I live like a recluse. I don't think I am good enough. I still see myself through his eyes.
This is one of those tapes in our minds that we have become conditioned so well to believe that *we* play them over and over again to ourselves.

It's not true.
You are plenty good enough.
You can make friends if that is what you want.
You can ask Mr. Big Boy to leave once your son has exited the room.
You don't have to have him in your house if you don't want to because if he wants to see his son badly enough, he will figure something out.

I had to work hard to reframe my life and my world view after being divorced by my unfaithful, mentally abusive ex-husband. But reframe it, I did.

I know you can, too!! Hang in there! You are worth every effort for a better life
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Old 10-26-2018, 06:51 AM
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I have two children with my XAH. He lives to try to trigger me. Until I got counseling and decided that no way was I going to let that happen anymore. It does not mean I fight back, b/c I don't. If I did, it would never end. I chalk his mumblings up to the BS that they are and move on. I have made it 100% clear that I won't respond to anything he has to say unless it is a CONSTRUCTIVE conversation about our children. Any other time, I refuse to respond. This has brought me lots of peace in my life. I could not care less what he says about me or to me actually. I communicate with him only b/c I have to, and as soon as my children are old enough, will never again. We too were together for 20 years.

As far as visitations in your home, I would end that if possible. If not, I would isolate myself and not be around him when he is there, as soon as your son gives sign he is done, visit would end and I would escort him to the door and lock it.

You deserve to take care of yourself. You have to make that time, and make it a priority.

Socially, you will have to force yourself to get out and have some fun. Once you do things enough they become habit. It's hard to change, but you can do it!

Big hugs!
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Old 10-26-2018, 08:53 PM
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LB,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS, my friend))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You know that we come from pretty much the same "story". I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you can not just "cut contact" from axh. I think you need to leave the home and have no more conversations with him. Everything he does irritates you, so get out of the home if you can. Let him take ownership for an hour, go and get your hair done, a message or your nails done. Come back looking beautiful and refreshed.

You know you don't need to engage in conversation with him. You are giving him the power over you. I believe in Karma, I really do. He was not a good husband or father, and was a drunk on top of that. He has enemies, he is not the devoted wonderful man you think everyone feels about him. You need to stop obsessing about him and the hate you have for him, because it will continue to eat you alive.

What are you doing for you? Can you exercise, are you meditating or eating right? Do you get any therapy to vent your anger? There is help for all of us and you need to reach out and say you deserve it and go for it. Ask him to come over more so you can get out but do not engage in any conversation with him.

I couldnt imagine still having contact with my axh. Mine works for an NFL team and I don't watch the football games anymore so I don't have to see him on the sidelines. No contact and moving to the west coast has helped me move on in life.

I know that you don't have that option, but you are deserving of a happy life. Please don't let him have that power to control you even divorced. Karma... in time he will get his just do, just be patient. Please remember that you are a wonderful, caring beautiful person. You deserve to get up with a smile on your face and be happy. It's hard work but you can do this!!!

Sending tons of hugs to you from the west coast to the east coast!!!
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