Hello all.

I went to my first 1on 1 therapy appointment yesterday. I REALLY liked the therapist. Found that my hour flew by. Anyway....she offered some suggestions for me for when I have my "talk" with AH. Thought I'd share here for those that are at the same stage that I am. Please note: I'm not a licensed therapist and not telling YOU how to handle your life situation. I'm just sharing what she shared with me!

Quick background, I've been married to my AH for 20 years..we cycle through his active drinking and dry drunk periods. He's currently in the dry drunk phase...no drinking since August (that I've witnessed), but not working a program, therapy or any other support. He's had 3 major medical issues, is currently recovering from the last one, so I know his disease is progressing. I want to leave the relationship.

My therapist suggested to actually sit at a table to talk or to meet in a public place in hopes of things not escalating. Go for some "neutral" ground. I've come to know the JADE acronym here, don't ....Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain...which I get, but find hard to do when AH gets angry and tries to turn the table on me in some way. I can feel the heat rise up my body and I defend, defend, defend! My therapist suggested a pause, take a deep breath and "stay in my skin". She said to agree with what he throws out at me...whatever my shortcoming is and then, go back to what I'm saying. Example...

Me: This has been a tough decision for me. I'm not happy in our relationship and I want us to get a dissolution.
AH: What??? You wanted me to stop drinking and I have. How can you think about breaking up our family? After all these years!
Me: You're right. I have wanted you to get healthy and stop drinking. I hope that continues. I've also realized I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. This really makes me sad, but I want a dissolution.
AH: After ALL I've done for you! You've never wanted for ANYTHING. I've given you a nice home and we have 2 great kids. How can you do this to me?
Me: You're right. You've been an excellent provider. I appreciate how hard you work. I want us to commit to putting the kids needs first as we move through this. But, I've realized that I need to take care of myself. I want a dissolution.

I could keep going, but you get the idea. This helped me to write it out and have a record here...so I can read it several times, before I talk with AH. I REALLY want to stay calm when we talk. That's been a challenge for me.

Have a good day all.