First therapy session

Old 10-25-2018, 08:36 AM
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First therapy session

Hello all.

I went to my first 1on 1 therapy appointment yesterday. I REALLY liked the therapist. Found that my hour flew by. Anyway....she offered some suggestions for me for when I have my "talk" with AH. Thought I'd share here for those that are at the same stage that I am. Please note: I'm not a licensed therapist and not telling YOU how to handle your life situation. I'm just sharing what she shared with me!

Quick background, I've been married to my AH for 20 years..we cycle through his active drinking and dry drunk periods. He's currently in the dry drunk phase...no drinking since August (that I've witnessed), but not working a program, therapy or any other support. He's had 3 major medical issues, is currently recovering from the last one, so I know his disease is progressing. I want to leave the relationship.

My therapist suggested to actually sit at a table to talk or to meet in a public place in hopes of things not escalating. Go for some "neutral" ground. I've come to know the JADE acronym here, don't ....Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain...which I get, but find hard to do when AH gets angry and tries to turn the table on me in some way. I can feel the heat rise up my body and I defend, defend, defend! My therapist suggested a pause, take a deep breath and "stay in my skin". She said to agree with what he throws out at me...whatever my shortcoming is and then, go back to what I'm saying. Example...

Me: This has been a tough decision for me. I'm not happy in our relationship and I want us to get a dissolution.
AH: What??? You wanted me to stop drinking and I have. How can you think about breaking up our family? After all these years!
Me: You're right. I have wanted you to get healthy and stop drinking. I hope that continues. I've also realized I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. This really makes me sad, but I want a dissolution.
AH: After ALL I've done for you! You've never wanted for ANYTHING. I've given you a nice home and we have 2 great kids. How can you do this to me?
Me: You're right. You've been an excellent provider. I appreciate how hard you work. I want us to commit to putting the kids needs first as we move through this. But, I've realized that I need to take care of myself. I want a dissolution.

I could keep going, but you get the idea. This helped me to write it out and have a record here...so I can read it several times, before I talk with AH. I REALLY want to stay calm when we talk. That's been a challenge for me.

Have a good day all.
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Old 10-25-2018, 08:56 AM
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Thank you for sharing, this is good info as there are many at this stage here at SR!
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Old 10-25-2018, 10:20 AM
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I think that was a major step for you making and keeping that appointment! It sounds like you got some great communication tools to use to help you feel comfortable enough to have the talk about the dissolution of your marriage.

I know you are assuming he is going to have an angry response but I would also prepare for him to agree with you.

I know many alcoholics who saw separation/divorce as a new unobstructed open door back into their comfort zone of drinking. That reaction left the spouses unprepared, shocked and unsure of how to handle it. But then of course once the element of finances, spousal/child support/homes/cars/furniture entered the picture it was a whole new ballgame.

I would only have this conversation when you totally feel are can and will stick to your new communication skills. Maybe have some more therapy sessions along with a plan of what happens after you announce this to him?
Will he move out, will you move out? What is your immediate plan?
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Old 10-25-2018, 10:26 AM
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I'm glad your counsellor was so helpful Valentia. I really like her suggestion of bringing the topic back around to your original point each time.
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Old 10-25-2018, 02:35 PM
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atalose, good point. I am assuming AH will be angry, since that's always been the way he responds. But, he may just surprise me! I have thought about the new living situation, so I'll propose my thoughts if we get that far.

We've been under the same roof, but sleeping in seperate rooms for a year now..so, to me, this is the next step. He's been angry all along, now mixed with anxiety/depression...so I guess I can't assume what he will do or say.

I did set a follow up appointment with my therapist in a few weeks. Looking forward to that!
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Old 10-25-2018, 02:58 PM
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Thanks for sharing Valentia - rooting for you ! x
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Old 10-25-2018, 04:38 PM
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Valentia......your counselor's advice, about coming back to the same point....reminds me of what politician learn to use, to their advantage when a reporter asks them questions that they don't want to answer....Say something "nice" or neutral...and, immediately begin to talk about something else--that they, actually, do want to talk about.....It is called the "spin".
They all learn to do a good spin!
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Old 10-25-2018, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Valentia......your counselor's advice, about coming back to the same point....reminds me of what politician learn to use, to their advantage when a reporter asks them questions that they don't want to answer....Say something "nice" or neutral...and, immediately begin to talk about something else--that they, actually, do want to talk about.....It is called the "spin".
They all learn to do a good spin!
dandylion, you're EXACTLY right, lol. I didn't make that connection, but it IS a spin. So maybe my strategy is to keep thinking "SPIN, SPIN, SPIN"...bring it back around!" In my head, lol. Oh wait...isn't there a song lyric like this??

Yep:
"You spin me right round baby, right round. Like a record baby, 'Right round round, round"

from "You Spin Me Round", by Dead or Alive, lol

Let's see if I can sing to myself AND have a productive convo with AH 😊
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Old 10-26-2018, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Valentia View Post

Yep:
"You spin me right round baby, right round. Like a record baby, 'Right round round, round"

from "You Spin Me Round", by Dead or Alive, lol

Let's see if I can sing to myself AND have a productive convo with AH 😊
Now, if you can sing it out loud, start dancing AND spinning 'right round' when he's coming at you with all sorts of things to throw you off your game, then you might throw him off his and get the upper hand!! It could also be a great 'youtube moment'!!
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Old 10-26-2018, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
Now, if you can sing it out loud, start dancing AND spinning 'right round' when he's coming at you with all sorts of things to throw you off your game, then you might throw him off his and get the upper hand!! It could also be a great 'youtube moment'!!
OMG, that visual just made my laugh. Thanks for that COD! Maybe I'll play it safe and just sing it in my head ...or I could hum during pauses in our convo. You know, the pause I need to take to breathe and not react...Then, AH would really think I lost it! 🤣
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Old 10-26-2018, 06:09 AM
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Valentia...….another tip....it sounds really simple, but can help. Make a list of talking points...."bullets".....and put them on an index card. You can, actually use the card during the discussion (discretely)….it is better than going blank.
It is easy to go blank....especially if the other party is presenting their side in very assertive manner and seem to have iron-clad, socially sanctioned arguments.


I think that it would be good for you to really realize that your deep down personal unhappiness is good enough reason to get a divorce....a good reason to get divorced is not wanting to be married!

I think that lots of people feel stuck because they feel that they don't have a good reason to present to the general public....that they might be seen as shallow or frivolous or just not a good, appreciative person.

This was not always true, down through history. In generations past, personal satisfaction was not what marriage was based around. It was based around elements of survival....especially for women. But, in this part of the world, and this day and time....thankfully, things are different. Thankfully, the laws have changed in order to support this.....

Another reason to fight for your own happiness and welfare, is because nobody else is going to....
Remember, that the chances are near zero that he will agree with you, or see your point of view. It is natural that he will see things from his own filter and from what he wants/needs. No matter how well you handle it....he will still not like it....and will take whatever reaction that he feels.
Keep your goal realistic.....and, I propose that should be to just lay your cards, on the table as honestly, and clearly and as precisely as you can manage.
It is not the time for long debates. Not a time for voting. It appears, from what you have shared, that, that water is already under the bridge.
If you want out...if you want a divorce....one doesn't ASK for a divorce---one just gets one.










+
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Old 10-26-2018, 09:18 PM
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V,
Remember this really isn't a discussion, as he is not going to talk you out of it. You are stating a fact, we are in separate bedrooms for a year, your on and off drinking for the last 20 years, I am unhappy and I want to move on. Done, period.

I know its a lot easier said then done, but it really isn't open for a discussion. If it gets escalated, tell him I'm sorry, its how you feel.

Good luck!!
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:10 AM
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dandylion,
Thanks for the bullet point tip, that's a great idea. And I agree...that my personal unhappiness is reason enough for me to want to leave the marriage. No justification needed.

I'm readying myself for backlash from AH's family. Even though they know he's had a drinking problem all these years, their denial runs deep. Years ago, I reached out to them for help, which completely backfired on me. Learned my lesson there! When my MIL and SIL step in to defend AH, I've decided that I'll respectfully tell them that I'm not discussing my relationship with AH with them. I can't control what he will do or say, but it's truthfully, none of their business. End of story. In the past, I would have felt the need to explain myself and my side of the story. Not anymore!
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
V,
Remember this really isn't a discussion, as he is not going to talk you out of it. You are stating a fact, we are in separate bedrooms for a year, your on and off drinking for the last 20 years, I am unhappy and I want to move on. Done, period.

I know its a lot easier said then done, but it really isn't open for a discussion. If it gets escalated, tell him I'm sorry, its how you feel.

Good luck!!
Exactly! Thanks for the reminder. I've got to keep it simple!

Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate everyone's input and support.
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:38 AM
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And this too

"I accept that you have a right to disagree ....but it doesn't
change my decision."
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