Originally Posted by
dandylion 
ebecker…….this is what I am wondering...and suggesting, at the same time. Why don't you just do whatever you have decided to do. I have learned, that, in the long run, that is what people do, anyway. People do what they really, really, down deep, want to do.
In other news...on forums such as this, I think the best general advice is to take what works ...or, is useful for you....and, leave the rest. Just leave it....no use, really. of arguing over how the cow ate the cabbage...or, how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.....lol....
As you well know....on a public forum like this, one will ALWAYS get a kalidescope of responses.....it is simply unavoidable.....
True.
But, and this is where I am coming from in responding to these folks, I often find, from experience on another forum, that when the kaleidoscope includes "advice," no matter how well-intended, that comes across as a put-down, it tends to drive people away.
They might or might not realize they're coming across to others as "holier than thou art," and while I can handle it because I've been through support groups before including one that's, frankly, harsher than this one, there's a lot of people who can't. And while recognizing I'm not any sort of authority here (I don't have greeter/mod/admin status,) I have held those roles on other sites and currently serve in that role elsewhere, and what I see is the kind of behavior that tends to drive newbies off. I'm doubting I'll change the culture here. But I'd suggest, if someone wants to give me feedback, there's a more effective way to do so not just for myself but in terms of maybe what those folks are going through AND in terms of what others visiting the forum may be seeing and basing their decisions to join on. So....while seeking support...I'm also sharing experience. Not just for my own sake. But for the sake of others who may be lurking, may be considering posting, and might be reluctant to do so because of the approaches some here are giving to advice-giving.
Just as I can take or leave what is said...so can the people I'm responding to.
Hope that makes sense.
Now, back to your first comment...you're right, I'm ultimately going to do what I want to do, which was my point behind the first response I made. My objective is to do it the right way and to consider the experiences of others in that process. Which is why I haven't done it yet. And my other motivation which supercedes rushing across town at the moment is taking care of myself and fulfilling other obligations that need my focus immediately.
So chances are the conversation will happen some time next week or the week following. No rush. But I also don't want to put it off much longer, either.
As I've responded...some of the advice I've gotten here is useful and is part of why I didn't have that conversation last week. I'm also getting some feedback from the folks in my NarAnon groups which has also been pretty useful. And others essentially come across as if they're accusing me of having some ill-intended evil motive to "control" or "get back" at my addict based on how I read them, or completely devalue whatever positive worth my addict might have in my life (it's easy to forget that our addicts are often two sides of a coin, especially when it's a significant other and we made the choice to be in their lives to begin with...we didn't make that decision on the basis of them being an addict. At least I would hope that isn't the motivation....) And my suggestion is....if they're coming across like that to me, they're probably also coming across like that to other people.
Bear in mind too that I'm here to give support and receive support. Not make friends. If I make friends, that's great. But I've got plenty of friends. I don't have a need to make more. I will welcome people into my life who I feel have value to me (not just me having value to them...I am done making that mistake.) But I didn't come here seeking anything beyond that.
Thanks for the thought.
-Eric