I hope that you stay grounded SC. That you hold yourself and only yourself accountable for where you find yourself. That you detach from the things you can't control and focus on the things you can. Your body can recover if you let it. The quitting drinking, it is a choice. If not? Then what is it? Getting help is also a choice and there is lots out there if you reach for it.
Dying an alcoholic death is messy and awful. It sounds like you still have a choice. I hope you make the right one. Its hard. For sure. And, if you're like me, you will be miserable at times. But the idea that drinking will help any of that misery is a complete lie. Believe that before its too late.
I'll never stop rooting for you SC. You can do this. If you want it.