I have been in the same place...pre-cirrhotic, torn esophagus, massive potassium and hydration depletion, merciless dt's, etc. For me, being drunk had to FAR surpass the horror of being sober in order to acquire the 4 months that I have this time. If you're into reading, take a minute to read William Styron's "Darkness Visible"...the title is a direct allusion to Milton's definition of hell in Paradise Lost. It is by far and away the most eloquent, unapologetic, and satisfactorily explained work I have ever read on addiction and depression. Best to you, for real