Optimistically trying again
Five years ago I broke my sobriety, convincing myself I was ‘different’ from the people I identified so closely with at AA.
There was a year of keeping to a bottle of wine a week. I was convinced I had kicked the demons... then a job change and a move, I very quickly found myself on a bottle a day. Usually more. Switching it up to stronger stuff.
I have spent the past two years desperately trying to cut down or quit. But never really taking it seriously. I seem to have accepted I’m an alcoholic, but using that as a reason to drink vodka at 9am. Like ‘this is who I am’.
My life has been destroyed by anxiety issues which I know has been caused by my alcohol intake. I can see my performance at work is suffering. I’m always late and my brain doesn’t function as well - I know I can’t keep balancing my alcohol dependency and work for much longer. I’m overweight and acne ridden, which I know comes from a failure to look after myself. I used to take such pride in my appearance with 6am gym starts and healthy eating. But now all I care about is, do I have enough alcohol to get obliterated? My life is work and drink. I’ve run out of space for anything else.
This morning I’ve woken up thinking about yesterday. I drunk A LOT of vodka continuously throughout the day and couldn’t get drunk. My husband didn’t even notice I was drinking, which he normally does. It can’t be healthy for someone at 5ft nothing to be able to drink like that without getting drunk... it frightens me tbh. I know what this is probably doing to my liver and my body. I don’t want to die.
Anyway, here I am this morning. Ready to quit and wanting to quit. But I know come 4pm it’s going to get very very difficult. How did any of you cope in the early days? Does anyone have a strong drinking culture at work? How did you navigate round that?
Thanks