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Old 09-16-2018, 03:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Optimistically trying again


Five years ago I broke my sobriety, convincing myself I was Ďdifferentí from the people I identified so closely with at AA.

There was a year of keeping to a bottle of wine a week. I was convinced I had kicked the demons... then a job change and a move, I very quickly found myself on a bottle a day. Usually more. Switching it up to stronger stuff.

I have spent the past two years desperately trying to cut down or quit. But never really taking it seriously. I seem to have accepted Iím an alcoholic, but using that as a reason to drink vodka at 9am. Like Ďthis is who I amí.

My life has been destroyed by anxiety issues which I know has been caused by my alcohol intake. I can see my performance at work is suffering. Iím always late and my brain doesnít function as well - I know I canít keep balancing my alcohol dependency and work for much longer. Iím overweight and acne ridden, which I know comes from a failure to look after myself. I used to take such pride in my appearance with 6am gym starts and healthy eating. But now all I care about is, do I have enough alcohol to get obliterated? My life is work and drink. Iíve run out of space for anything else.

This morning Iíve woken up thinking about yesterday. I drunk A LOT of vodka continuously throughout the day and couldnít get drunk. My husband didnít even notice I was drinking, which he normally does. It canít be healthy for someone at 5ft nothing to be able to drink like that without getting drunk... it frightens me tbh. I know what this is probably doing to my liver and my body. I donít want to die.

Anyway, here I am this morning. Ready to quit and wanting to quit. But I know come 4pm itís going to get very very difficult. How did any of you cope in the early days? Does anyone have a strong drinking culture at work? How did you navigate round that?

Thanks
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Old 09-16-2018, 04:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Ready to quit and wanting to quit. But I know come 4pm itís going to get very very difficult. How did any of you cope in the early days?
You might want to started with a medically supervised detox. Then immerse yourself in recovery. Stick close to SR. Perhaps find your way back to AA.
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Old 09-16-2018, 04:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for your advice. I never thought about a medically supervised detox. Iíll speak to my GP tomorrow. Heíll probably be pleased to hear from me as heís been nagging me for years to do this...

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You might want to started with a medically supervised detox. Then immerse yourself in recovery. Stick close to SR. Perhaps find your way back to AA.
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Old 09-16-2018, 04:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome!

For me, I had to decide I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. More than that I had to decide I wanted to live, because I finally HEARD the dr who (yet again) told me I had a year, 18 mo if I didn't quit.

I committed to AA, I have a great team if doctors and my life has a backdrop of rcovery that guides everything I do. It takes time to build a new life.

I can definitely comment to the work environment question, as I am in the restaurant world. I went back to serving at five and a half months sober, did it for a year, and due to a back injury have transitioned to an office role in admin and Hr. I firmly believe we can be sober anywhere and in any job, if we choose. I believe equally as much that we shouldn't make it harder to get and stay sober, so making the right choice for you is the key.

Please choose sobriety- take the chance in that much better life.
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Old 09-16-2018, 04:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 09-16-2018, 05:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing your story. I agree, if I was really dedicated to being sober in the past I wouldnít have let work be an excuse...

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Welcome!

For me, I had to decide I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. More than that I had to decide I wanted to live, because I finally HEARD the dr who (yet again) told me I had a year, 18 mo if I didn't quit.

I committed to AA, I have a great team if doctors and my life has a backdrop of rcovery that guides everything I do. It takes time to build a new life.

I can definitely comment to the work environment question, as I am in the restaurant world. I went back to serving at five and a half months sober, did it for a year, and due to a back injury have transitioned to an office role in admin and Hr. I firmly believe we can be sober anywhere and in any job, if we choose. I believe equally as much that we shouldn't make it harder to get and stay sober, so making the right choice for you is the key.

Please choose sobriety- take the chance in that much better life.
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Old 09-16-2018, 06:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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welcome to SR!

The early days are hard but you will feel so much better without it. I checked in here every day and stayed busy. I started new hobbies and went to the gym every day once I felt good enough too. I gave myself permission to say "No" to anything that threatened my sobriety. Wishing you the best!!
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Old 09-16-2018, 06:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I have been at the car races all weekend, going back today.

Some of the guys I see there use it as an excuse to drink. They are alcoholics.

Drunk by noon. Destroyed by 5 PM. They spend hundreds and thousands of dollars to basically day drink. Pretty sad from a tea totaller view point.

Why would somebody do that? Addiction mixed with a lack of education.

Nobody wants to live a life of weakness and daily booze consumption to feel good.

I woke up today and felt hungover from too much sun, bad food, and sugary drinks. I will feel great a few minutes. If I was a drunk, I wouldn't feel better until I drank again.

It wasn't that hard watching the 10% at the races drink like there was no tomorrow. I felt a little sorry for them. Their energy was sapped and will continue to decline by the moment, until they quit being a drunk.

My energy levels are amazing these days. I go all day long active and interactive.

Real life is amazing and very worth the craves I periodically feel.

Sobriety is a wonderful gift. Living in the present. Really living.

I still feel a little better each moment I pull further away from my drinking days.

Thanks.
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Old 09-16-2018, 08:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome, freshstart! Lots of us have been where you are and have turned our lives around for the better. You can, too!
I think a medically supervised detox is a good idea. Keep checking in and let us know how it’s going.
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Old 09-16-2018, 08:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome aboard, Please tell your Dr. about your drinking habits...don't be shy..they have heard worse. A supervised detox is what you need to clear your head and start a solid recovery. The detox only takes about 3-5 days, and your dr. will prescribe some anti anxiety meds to make you are more comfortable. This is a great first step into a new world of not being a slave to the bottle....FREEDOM is right around the corner. You will not regret this decision and your family will be so proud of you. You can do this...don't give up!! Best Wishes
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Old 09-16-2018, 08:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Does anyone have a strong drinking culture at work? How did you navigate round that?

Thanks
I own a bar. This was really great in active alcoholism. Drinking at 10:30 was oftentimes part of my job.

My wife actually has the nerve to spit the wine out when people taste her. I've caught her saving 2ozs of a wine she likes to finish off 8 hours later.

Navigating around it is hard, I've taken control of the kitchen and don't go out in the dining room anymore. I used to bartend the afternoons.

In early sobriety I found avoiding situations where people are drinking to be very important. If there's not work for me to do at work I leave but I was in a position where I could, and did, drink at any time when I was in the building.

I haven't had a drink in 19 months now and I don't really like to be around a lot of drinking people anymore but it's not the challenge it once was.
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Old 09-16-2018, 12:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thankyou so much for your words of encouragement and stories. I just had a difficult patch cooking dinner. I love a large glass of wine whilst cooking. Managed to resist, but I canít believe how difficult it is! Logging in and rereading your messages have helped.
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Old 09-16-2018, 02:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi Freshstart - I'm so glad you're here.

I was in the same situation when I found SR. My world had become so small...it was down to work & thinking about when my next drink would be. The fun that it once had been was long gone - it was all about maintenance & keeping enough in my system so I didn't shake. I was drinking in the morning so I wouldn't be sick at work. Classy.

I stayed close to SR in the early days of getting sober. I was shaky & miserable - but I knew things would have to get better. Knowing we're not alone on our journey makes all the difference.
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Old 09-16-2018, 04:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. Good old spot
I started to respond to your question about drinking and work cultures thinking - yes, mine is, and it's difficult. Expensive drinks and showing off with the CEO, and people angling to be seen and promoted type of things.

But then I read Hevyn's quote
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I was in the same situation when I found SR. My world had become so small...it was down to work & thinking about when my next drink would be.
...and it made me rethink little - is the work culture really that?
Or is that just the occasional once or twice a year extra curricular occurrence that I focus on and get a bit sensitive about and blow out of proportion? And honestly - it's the latter. My drinking world had become so small that thinking about drinking and work was it. The fusion of the two made me overthink and anxious. Easy to build up the few fun nights out (let's say once a quarter) that the normies can enjoy into something that they're not.

And even if it were a lot more frequent: you can choose to be there or not and accept the (most likely imaginary) consequences. You can spin/explain/stay mysterious about your absence or you can find a company with a culture more in line with your sober values. You can even choose to just go to the gym or the movies and not give it any thought at all. Basically, you can choose to view and handle it as anything but a "this is hard and not fair" scenario (with I'm prone to do).

These days I try to plan and pick whichever strategy leaves me in the best mental place and trust in my sober self to make the healthiest choices for me.

Perhaps you can reframe or plan a better fit too?

PS thanks Hevyn!
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Old 09-17-2018, 01:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Today is day 2! Iím surprised I got this far tbh. I canít remember the last time I was this tired after a full nights sleep... Iím off to work. Iím worried how I will handle a stressful day. Normally itís with far too much wine for a Monday evening. Maybe tonight Iíll do some knitting, go to the gym, catch up on sleep! I think if I get home without bypassing the pub Iíll be ok.

Thank you for all your advice. Itís so helpful.

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And even if it were a lot more frequent: you can choose to be there or not and accept the (most likely imaginary) consequences. You can spin/explain/stay mysterious about your absence or you can find a company with a culture more in line with your sober values. You can even choose to just go to the gym or the movies and not give it any thought at all. Basically, you can choose to view and handle it as anything but a "this is hard and not fair" scenario (with I'm prone to do).

These days I try to plan and pick whichever strategy leaves me in the best mental place and trust in my sober self to make the healthiest choices for me.

Perhaps you can reframe or plan a better fit too?

PS thanks Hevyn!
I hope to get to a point where I can pick the best strategy without feeling awkward and overthinking what people think of me! For now Iíll probably go with avoidance...
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Old 09-17-2018, 01:40 AM   #16 (permalink)
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In the early days, for me, I had to not drink. Simple as that. It was hard. I came here, I busied myself, came here, worked... you may want to consider that detox though; it sounds like you may need it.

As for the work drinking culture, I had/have that, also. But what I’ve come to see is that it’s not work drinking culture, it’s me. Sure, a few people commented that I wasn’t drinking at some of our events. But I’ve realized that’s just because I always drank. I was one of those people.

What’s happened in two years of not drinking is that I’m much better at my actual job, and that’s not going unnoticed now.

Unless you’re a wine taster or something, or have an unreasonable oppressive alcoholic employer, you’ll probably find something similar... if you work your plan. Keep it simple. Do your job. Don’t drink. Work your plan. Absolutely nothing else matters.

I was asked to meet Our big boss after a meeting recently, at the hotel bar. I was nervous, knowing it was probably an important conversation, and because I knew he’d be drinking and I’d likely have to explain I wasn’t. I was correct. I got there ten minutes early, scouted a table, and got my soda water. When he arrived, he asked what I was drinking and made a face when I said “soda water”. After about five seconds I realized that the face he made was a mental calculation of what he’d be paying, because he wanted to buy me a drink. He wanted to buy me a drink because he was offering me a promotion. In normie world, that’s what people do. He was treating me like a normie because I’ve become an effective employee.

It’s weird to think now that I was worried about not drinking at work events. The effects of my problem ending made so much more of a splash in the long run.
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