alienbaby5

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years (since October 2015). When we first got together, he had been clean and sober for almost 2 years.

Long story short, there have been relapses in our relationship. The first happened in August 2016, when he actually told me honestly he had relapsed and got kicked out of sober living. He lived with me for a little, before the drugs took a toll on our relationship as he still used. We fought, he packed up his things high one night, and left me to live at his friends. With doing that, he would not answer my texts, calls, he completely ghosted me. Of course, he could never go more than a week without somehow contacting me, saying he missed me and he was sorry, so we would wind up talking again and he eventually moved back in with me once he was clean.

This same episode hasn't happened just once. It happened again the following year in July 2017. Same thing, I found out he was using again and he left without a trace or any contact. Again... we finally winded up talking again and he moved back in.

But this time, he didn't stay clean. He winded up using pretty heavily until he finally decided to go to rehab. It was a long 30 days of barely hearing from him and not seeing him, but we were determined to make it work. He came back after those days better than ever, I felt positive about our future.... until a couple months later.

Here it is, May 2018. He had relapsed again and went to detox immediately. After a week, he was out. We had a great weekend together until Sunday night... his friend was waiting outside with a truck to move his things to his house, which was 2 hours away (the farthest he has ever gone, usually he was just a couple minutes away). He said that he couldn't bare to hurt me anymore while he got his life together. He was tired a being a dependent little boy and wanted to be a man for once in his life. He said it was not possible to become the person he needed to be for himself and for me while living and being with me. I didn't understand at first, but after a little while I started to understand why he left. As they say, you need to love yourself before you can begin to love someone else.

At first he wouldn't speak to me because I was angry and heartbroken, but after time (as it always goes), he would text me saying how much he missed me and that he was sorry. We always had the goal that he would come back to me, because we want to be together, but could not give me a timeline. He didn't know if it would take days, weeks, months, even a year to become the person he needed to be. In the back of my head, I was hoping that if he wanted to be back with me so badly, he would do anything he could as fast as he could to achieve that... I guess I was wrong.

We have some contact here and there, sometimes it is positive, saying we will be together again, other times it is negative and we cannot stop getting emotional. He keeps saying I deserve better and he wants to be with me again but doesn't want to hurt me again -- that he lost the one person he loved most in this world, his soulmate, and there wasn't enough apologies in the world for everything he has done these last 3 years.

I found out recently he made a Tinder while living up at his friends and met up with a girl. He winded up sleeping with this girl and I found out. I was devastated. He kept saying I was his soulmate and how much he loved me, how could he do this to me? He told me he started drinking on the weekends, but it was no excuse for what he had done. He said it meant nothing, there is a difference between sex and making love, and that she was not even pretty (not to be rude, but I am 5'3" @ 120lbs and 28 years old -- this girl is 21 years old, about 5'1" @ 200lbs -- completely opposite of me). When asking why it he did it, why it happened, he said that I would probably not understand male instinct to have sex, that since he was an addict, it wasn't just drugs he was addicted to. He was addicted to everything; cigarettes, coffee, sex, and has to have everything in excess. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life, he will now have to sit on this guilt and embarrassment forever.

He believes there is no coming back from this -- that after what he is done that there is no way to salvage anything we once had. He tells me I need to let go of him because he is bad for me..... that I deserve to be happy and he isn't making me happy anymore..... But if only it were that easy... I love the guy with all of my heart and soul. I feel so lost and depressed lately and I hate how I feel. I keep feeling this is the end between us, even though I don't want it to be.

Although he keeps telling me to move on, he won't block my number (I have asked repeatedly, since I cannot do it myself, in order to move on) and still has me added on snapchat (again, something I told him to block me on but he won't).

I know they say if something is meant to be, let it go and if it really was yours, it will come back. I am just scared he feels so low about himself, so insecure, he won't even allow himself to come back to me. I know he still needs A LOT of time to work on himself, but am I that crazy to say I would wait for him?