Maybe the past and redemption is not something you need to worry about right now.
In my last (first) stretch of long term sobriety, it was months and months before I began to come to terms with the past wreckage. I had to focus on not adding to it today for a long time.
That said, it did come eventually. I was able to accept that I was ill without feeling that I was denying responsibility for my actions, which was always a tricky thing for me to do.