Can't Shake It
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
Can't Shake It
Wow! Today, I am sitting at my desk at work and my mind is ruminating with all the awful things that I did in the past with my life, kids, horrible financial decisions. I can't shake my self-hatred right now. I hold myself accountable for everything. I feel like an evil, horrible person and feel like a phony. How in the world am I going to make up for all wreckage I have caused. I am very, very early in my sobriety and very impatient to boot. I just can't seem to shake it. I feel like I don't deserve any type of redemption.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Life is a process, not an event. Recovery is the same. I am not in a hurry for the process of my life to be over. Sometimes though, I need remind myself to slow down and enjoy the process as it unfolds. Even more importantly, I need to be sure that I participate fully in it and appreciate all the intricacies of the process. My recovery should be viewed the same.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
Maybe the past and redemption is not something you need to worry about right now.
In my last (first) stretch of long term sobriety, it was months and months before I began to come to terms with the past wreckage. I had to focus on not adding to it today for a long time.
That said, it did come eventually. I was able to accept that I was ill without feeling that I was denying responsibility for my actions, which was always a tricky thing for me to do.
In my last (first) stretch of long term sobriety, it was months and months before I began to come to terms with the past wreckage. I had to focus on not adding to it today for a long time.
That said, it did come eventually. I was able to accept that I was ill without feeling that I was denying responsibility for my actions, which was always a tricky thing for me to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Chung - for many of us with families, who finally quit drinking later in life, the recriminations and self-anger are difficult to deal with. The most important thing is that you DO NOT allow your pain/guilt/shame to drive you back to drinking. I think that was always a major cause of me picking up again. I would tell myself that I had screwed up everything so badly that I might as well just drink again. "Oh you are such a f-up, you can't live sober, you can't right your ship - so just have a drink already!" - beware of that voice.
And then you will find, as I have, that the real work of life starts when we get sober. I have amends to make, patterns and habits to break, people to make things up to, a life to finally fulfill. All those things of value - the most important and meaningful things in life - can only be done sober.
And then you will find, as I have, that the real work of life starts when we get sober. I have amends to make, patterns and habits to break, people to make things up to, a life to finally fulfill. All those things of value - the most important and meaningful things in life - can only be done sober.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Chung,
What u r feeling is quite common. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and regret are things that I have been dealing with quite often these days. I too am early in recovery. My sponsor said to put it out of your mind as best you can for now. There will come a time to deal with all that. Time to make amends and let all the bad stuff go.
Bottom line.
What u r feeling is quite common. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and regret are things that I have been dealing with quite often these days. I too am early in recovery. My sponsor said to put it out of your mind as best you can for now. There will come a time to deal with all that. Time to make amends and let all the bad stuff go.
Bottom line.
Whatever it takes - just for today.
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 200
Hi Chung, you are not alone in that feeling of realisation of mistakes made and some damage done. The good news is you can make amends to those you have harmed and the even better news is you don't have to do it 'right now'.
The very first step is what you have already done, giving up the drink. The rest will slowly but surely unfold. As your sobriety grows so do you.
All those things that feel difficult to face now become easier.
Acknowledge you have some wrongs to right but put away the whip and take things slowly.
Just focus on staying sober for now
The very first step is what you have already done, giving up the drink. The rest will slowly but surely unfold. As your sobriety grows so do you.
All those things that feel difficult to face now become easier.
Acknowledge you have some wrongs to right but put away the whip and take things slowly.
Just focus on staying sober for now
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Chung, I get what you are saying. A few weeks ago I was sitting at the beach on vacation (sober) and some of these thoughts passed through my head. I realized that in years past I just drank my vacations away to escape reality and now I didn't have that crutch anymore. But I started when I was 13 years old and I am well over 50 now. Oddly enough I have more of these thoughts today than I did in early sobriety. I figure it's a process.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
There's already been some great advice.
I had to keep a journal, set a few goals, and just focus on doing 1 thing a day. Also, it's important to know that part of the thing about being an alcoholic or abuser is we have rather large egos (may not always feel that way). What I mean is that it is super easy for us to feel a ton of self pity and feel like we're the only ones with these problems.
The reality is it could be a lot worse - always can be. You have to practice - and fake it til you make it - gratitude and self compassion. Notice I said practice. As someone mentioned earlier, it's a process not an event.
Sure you can look at things through the perspective of 'I created a lot of crap because of how I used to drink.' Or you can look at it through the perspective of 'I'm showing a great amount of strength, honesty, and courage right now in finally giving up alcohol and starting to deal with the world around me." Sometimes there won't be anyone around to pat you on the back for the courage you are showing - so we have to learn how to do a bit of that for ourselves. And it's deserved. You are worth it and are doing something really really great right now despite how it feels.
One perspective is much more constructive - and I would argue more true - than the other.
You may want to consider talking with an outpatient treatment counselor too. It's not terribly expensive (especially if you have insurance) and it's another layer of support. I found that having someone to talk to on a routine basis- in addition to SR - was very helpful in the first few months. She also helped me greatly in challenging me to frame my situation from a more constructive point of view.
Good luck and keep working at it. There will be those days that nothing seems to help and it feels all a bit overwhelming. Just remember on those days to keep things simple and DON'T DRINK. I've had multiple days this past summer that - feeling overwhelmed - I cleared my calendar and just slept all day. Maybe not the most constructive thing - but I didn't drink and I usually found I was energized to do something constructive the next day.
Best-
B
I had to keep a journal, set a few goals, and just focus on doing 1 thing a day. Also, it's important to know that part of the thing about being an alcoholic or abuser is we have rather large egos (may not always feel that way). What I mean is that it is super easy for us to feel a ton of self pity and feel like we're the only ones with these problems.
The reality is it could be a lot worse - always can be. You have to practice - and fake it til you make it - gratitude and self compassion. Notice I said practice. As someone mentioned earlier, it's a process not an event.
Sure you can look at things through the perspective of 'I created a lot of crap because of how I used to drink.' Or you can look at it through the perspective of 'I'm showing a great amount of strength, honesty, and courage right now in finally giving up alcohol and starting to deal with the world around me." Sometimes there won't be anyone around to pat you on the back for the courage you are showing - so we have to learn how to do a bit of that for ourselves. And it's deserved. You are worth it and are doing something really really great right now despite how it feels.
One perspective is much more constructive - and I would argue more true - than the other.
You may want to consider talking with an outpatient treatment counselor too. It's not terribly expensive (especially if you have insurance) and it's another layer of support. I found that having someone to talk to on a routine basis- in addition to SR - was very helpful in the first few months. She also helped me greatly in challenging me to frame my situation from a more constructive point of view.
Good luck and keep working at it. There will be those days that nothing seems to help and it feels all a bit overwhelming. Just remember on those days to keep things simple and DON'T DRINK. I've had multiple days this past summer that - feeling overwhelmed - I cleared my calendar and just slept all day. Maybe not the most constructive thing - but I didn't drink and I usually found I was energized to do something constructive the next day.
Best-
B
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Chung - I had the same problem with guilt & remorse. It led me to pick up again a couple times. I finally decided that the person who did all those dangerous & foolish things was not even me. The drunk me is a different person entirely. She's reckless & ridiculous. None of us sets out to sabotage ourselves. Forgive yourself for allowing that 'other person' to temporarily take over your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
What did you used to do?...Drink at "it/them?".. Go the opposite route and see what happens. You know what happens when you drink/drug,so try something 'new'/normal,by not drinking no matter what and seek any advice/support needed in doing the not drinking thing. Trust me..your life will be much more managable.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Hi Chung
just as all the crazy stuff I did didn't all happen in one day, I didn't make my peace with my past in a day either
I tried to focus on the now tho - the past was gone & I could not change a second of it, but I could make my life a kind of living amends to deal with the life I used to lead.
Don;t confuse what we did with who we are either - I am a decent human being who did dumb things - I'm sure you're the same
D
just as all the crazy stuff I did didn't all happen in one day, I didn't make my peace with my past in a day either
I tried to focus on the now tho - the past was gone & I could not change a second of it, but I could make my life a kind of living amends to deal with the life I used to lead.
Don;t confuse what we did with who we are either - I am a decent human being who did dumb things - I'm sure you're the same
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
I am so grateful and appreciative for all your responses. I am definitely taking away so much good advice that is giving me perspective on my raw emotions at this time. SR is a tool that I am utilizing. I plan on going to therapy as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
I am so grateful and appreciative for all your responses. I am definitely taking away so much good advice that is giving me perspective on my raw emotions at this time. SR is a tool that I am utilizing. I plan on going to therapy as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Chung. Congrats on staying sober. Keep it up. It will get better provided you don't drink.
You've posted a few threads about the guilt, shame and hopeless feelings that are present for most addicts, especially in the early days. I do understand.
This stuff takes time. Your kids will forgive you when they are ready. That can't be rushed.
But staying all absorbed in your self misery will do nothing but potentially make you a victim of a narrative that keeps you grounded in the past. Its ok to look in the rear view mirror, but don't stare. You aren't going backward, you're going forward.
Maybe if you do some volunteer work, help someone else, that will help you stop emotionally beating yourself up?
You've posted a few threads about the guilt, shame and hopeless feelings that are present for most addicts, especially in the early days. I do understand.
This stuff takes time. Your kids will forgive you when they are ready. That can't be rushed.
But staying all absorbed in your self misery will do nothing but potentially make you a victim of a narrative that keeps you grounded in the past. Its ok to look in the rear view mirror, but don't stare. You aren't going backward, you're going forward.
Maybe if you do some volunteer work, help someone else, that will help you stop emotionally beating yourself up?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
How in the world am I going to make up for all wreckage I have caused.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 18
What I realized this last year is life isn't about trying to be happy all the time. It's trying to keep a baseline. Think of a roller coaster.
When you get down on yourself doing more harm to yourself and is going to make it harder to climb back up. I completely ****** my life up too and it will be. A Harder climb up but it will feel better during it. Don't expect the climb back up to have no downs either. You have to always fight it because being back at the top is a lot easier. You're not beyond repair. Do your best to squash thoughts like that
When you get down on yourself doing more harm to yourself and is going to make it harder to climb back up. I completely ****** my life up too and it will be. A Harder climb up but it will feel better during it. Don't expect the climb back up to have no downs either. You have to always fight it because being back at the top is a lot easier. You're not beyond repair. Do your best to squash thoughts like that
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Kansas
Posts: 31
Made it seven days
Made it seven days til last night. Then had a fifteen pk of keystone light beer. Thank God I don't smoke cigarettes anymore too. So tired of being tired. Being drunk sucks. I'm 24 hours sober and am scared of the symptoms. I usually can go a few days completely sober. Made it a week and now I made myself a crap sandwich without the bread. Are DTs likely?!?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
'Deserve' implies judgement. Try to think of yourself not as a bad person, but a very sick person..which drinking does. We cannot change the past, but we can admit to the damage and hurt...stay sober and make new plans. Everyone 'deserves' to be happy and at peace.
I cannot do this alone- I need daily support..here, regular support- GP, counselor, psychologist and meetings. Personal daily effort- routine, self care, journal, rest, food, water.
Support to you.
I cannot do this alone- I need daily support..here, regular support- GP, counselor, psychologist and meetings. Personal daily effort- routine, self care, journal, rest, food, water.
Support to you.
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