Hi Izzy,
I can relate. Despair, that's what it is -- alcoholic-soaked despair. Sobriety seems scary while the booze has you under its thumb.
You don't have to live that way.
Stick around SR and post and read! You'll find lots of help. I got help from AA (in addition to SR) because I'm in a city where there are lots of meetings & people in AA of all kinds. I'm an isolater and the big community really helped me. But there are lots of other ways to get help getting sober & people here will help you find them.
I hope to see you around the forums!