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I’m lonely and afraid of sobriety. But alcohol has destroyed my life



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I’m lonely and afraid of sobriety. But alcohol has destroyed my life

Old 09-10-2018, 06:39 PM
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I’m lonely and afraid of sobriety. But alcohol has destroyed my life

I’m 50 and just moved to a new city 2 years ago after a divorce. Alcohol has ruined most of my life. I got here sober but started dating a younger girl (20 years younger) and stated drinking again with her. Alcohol has now destroyed that relationship completely. I know no one here. Sick of going to bars to meet people. I don’t even want to drink anymore. Hungover today. Feeling like ****. Low self esteem and more self hatred. Depression has been around my whole life. I’m on meds now but the alcohol keeps them from working properly. Suicidal and lethargic every day. Went to AA a few times. Not for me. I’m getting sober on my own. Did it once for 18 months. Felt good but depressed. Alcohol has become a poison to me. It has turned me in to an irritable, horrible person and I have so much self hatred, pain, shame and guilt for the things I’ve said and done that hurt people. I don’t feel worthy of love or help. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Old 09-10-2018, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Izzy2018 View Post
I’m 50 and just moved to a new city 2 years ago after a divorce. Alcohol has ruined most of my life. I got here sober but started dating a younger girl (20 years younger) and stated drinking again with her. Alcohol has now destroyed that relationship completely. I know no one here. Sick of going to bars to meet people. I don’t even want to drink anymore. Hungover today. Feeling like ****. Low self esteem and more self hatred. Depression has been around my whole life. I’m on meds now but the alcohol keeps them from working properly. Suicidal and lethargic every day. Went to AA a few times. Not for me. I’m getting sober on my own. Did it once for 18 months. Felt good but depressed. Alcohol has become a poison to me. It has turned me in to an irritable, horrible person and I have so much self hatred, pain, shame and guilt for the things I’ve said and done that hurt people. I don’t feel worthy of love or help. Does anyone else feel this way?
I'm so happy you went on a limb a posted this. I'm with you. I'm ******* losing it. Half of people at AA are on something. I wake up every morning violently mad, which is not like me, but I've quit drinking...or at least I'm giving my last breath trying... I was sober for a month and a half and threw it out the window without a though. Idk, man. You're not alone.

Why do you disengage from social rehabilitation like AA?

What is your biggest dream? Do you believe in ghosts?
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Old 09-10-2018, 06:57 PM
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Izzy,

Yup. I'm the same age as you and have been drinking to get drunk since I was a little kid.

Imo...the body can only take so much abuse. Everyone is different. I hit the wall in my early 40's but the addiction and lack of education kept me drinking until I was late 40's.

Anyway, quitting was a living hell that I hope I never forget. This place, like AA meetings, keeps the memory alive.

I was paranoid and agoraphobic for a long time. Most of that is gone now.

So now I am ready to drink again. Right?

That was the uneducated me.

Being clean is how I was designed to be.

I am drug free other than some otc vits and lisinopril for bp.

I read here every day and post as well.

Sr is like a sobriety place holder. If I lose sr....I lose my place.

Not without a fight.

Thanks.
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
I'm so happy you went on a limb a posted this. I'm with you. I'm ******* losing it. Half of people at AA are on something. I wake up every morning violently mad, which is not like me, but I've quit drinking...or at least I'm giving my last breath trying... I was sober for a month and a half and threw it out the window without a though. Idk, man. You're not alone.

Why do you disengage from social rehabilitation like AA?

What is your biggest dream? Do you believe in ghosts?
I don’t have any dreams anymore. No desire to achieve anything.
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
Izzy,

Yup. I'm the same age as you and have been drinking to get drunk since I was a little kid.

Imo...the body can only take so much abuse. Everyone is different. I hit the wall in my early 40's but the addiction and lack of education kept me drinking until I was late 40's.

Anyway, quitting was a living hell that I hope I never forget. This place, like AA meetings, keeps the memory alive.

I was paranoid and agoraphobic for a long time. Most of that is gone now.


So now I am ready to drink again. Right?

That was the uneducated me.

Being clean is how I was designed to be.

I am drug free other than some otc vits and lisinopril for bp.

I read here every day and post as well.

Sr is like a sobriety place holder. If I lose sr....I lose my place.

Not without a fight.

Thanks.
I hope sobriety brings back my happiness
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:13 PM
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I have felt hopeless and useless. Used to wake up every day feeling horrible and hating myself.

Not anymore. I'm sober now and wake up feeling good. To get sober for good I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:31 PM
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Hello and welcome.
I surely did feel as you described while drinking.
And the sad fact of it was, is that after all the crazy **** I had done drunk, I wasn't worthy of anyone's love.
And anyone foolish enough to care about me was either another drunk or a friend I would soon demolish our relationship with by using them for what I wanted or needed.
I also felt helpless. Unworthy of help, love or friends. A devoid nihilist.
A loner at the end. One of my best friends was the liquor store owner. phone relationships with the other friends I had. Then drink-and-dial alienated them.

At the end, I found AA and this place. They were about all I had left.
I found people like me.
It took me a long time to quit drinking, but it's been nine and a half years now.
I don't go to AA anymore and I'm sorry it didn't work for you.
I had all that hatred, guilt and shame you do, too. Parts of it still linger.

I wish you the best on quitting, you've found a great place where people will understand.
Best to you my friend.
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Old 09-10-2018, 09:09 PM
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Hi Izzy,
I can relate. Despair, that's what it is -- alcoholic-soaked despair. Sobriety seems scary while the booze has you under its thumb.

You don't have to live that way.

Stick around SR and post and read! You'll find lots of help. I got help from AA (in addition to SR) because I'm in a city where there are lots of meetings & people in AA of all kinds. I'm an isolater and the big community really helped me. But there are lots of other ways to get help getting sober & people here will help you find them.

I hope to see you around the forums!
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Old 09-10-2018, 09:25 PM
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Hi Izzy. You are not alone. Most of us have felt this way. I am almost 52 and had several attempts and relapses but finally got sober for good around 50. If I can do it, you can do it. Life is so much better sober. There are still problems and bad feelings at times. But that’s life and everything is better sober. I hope you will keep coming to this forum. Folks here are so supportive and helpful.
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Old 09-10-2018, 10:01 PM
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Hi and welcome Izzy

The support here helped me turn my life around - it meant a lot of changes, and a fair bit of determination and commitment on my part - but it was no harder than trying to drink as much as I could and still function
I don't regret anything

D
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Old 09-10-2018, 11:15 PM
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Stick with us Izzy. I think between us we've probably got every experience of alcohol there is. Everyone's story is unique, but lots of people will be identity with different parts of your experience.

How do you feel about embracing sobriety again?
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Old 09-10-2018, 11:58 PM
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Izzy , I want to give you hope today. I can relate so well to how you are feeling. I am 56 yrs old - and only 19 days ago decided I do not want to feel the way I do , live the way I do ( it wasn't living anyway, it was existing)

It will sound crazy to you now, today - but I can promise you - your life can be changed around and you will find yourself marvelling at it in disbelief.

I felt I had no reason to longer even be alive - I was depriving worthy people on earth from oxygen and resources - I was wishing for eternal sleep - I couldn/t imagine that there was even a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

I felt I was in a vortex ( like when you let the bath run out ) and the day I joined here, was the day that I was going to disappear down the drain. If I hadn't clawed my way out of that vortex ( with ONLY the people here on SR to help me ) I would not be writing this to you today.

The biggest step to take is to NOT - DRINK - TODAY. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour .... keep reading and keep posting. And then so the same tomorrow, and the day after and after. .. I promise you things are going to get better. Try not to think too much - you just DO it.
You are a worthy human being. You are important. You have so much to give . You are so much more than the opinion you have of yourself now.

You are in my thoughts today. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing?
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:30 AM
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I'm excited to get sober again. I remember an inner peace and calm mind.
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Izzy2018 View Post
I'm excited to get sober again. I remember an inner peace and calm mind.
It's those two things that are the most remarkable to me. Life is still tough, suffering is inevitable. But peace of mind and calmness were things that I never had before I got sober.

I'm excited for you. It's such a better life.
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