Hello and welcome.
I surely did feel as you described while drinking.
And the sad fact of it was, is that after all the crazy **** I had done drunk, I wasn't worthy of anyone's love.
And anyone foolish enough to care about me was either another drunk or a friend I would soon demolish our relationship with by using them for what I wanted or needed.
I also felt helpless. Unworthy of help, love or friends. A devoid nihilist.
A loner at the end. One of my best friends was the liquor store owner. phone relationships with the other friends I had. Then drink-and-dial alienated them.
At the end, I found AA and this place. They were about all I had left.
I found people like me.
It took me a long time to quit drinking, but it's been nine and a half years now.
I don't go to AA anymore and I'm sorry it didn't work for you.
I had all that hatred, guilt and shame you do, too. Parts of it still linger.
I wish you the best on quitting, you've found a great place where people will understand.
Best to you my friend.