OpheliaKatz

Yeah, I've heard the "I don't/have never/am not abus(ing) you" excuse before. I also believed it.

Once, XAH was shouting at me after a couple's therapy session. I had made the mistake of complaining about not being happy with him in session. It was probably one of the few times I did it, all the other times, I would focus on how I could take more care of him, how I could expect less of him... etc. [why did the therapist not think this was wack? Oh, because he used to call her from time to time in private and fake-cry and say that I was "expecting too much" and that he had a mental illness (as if!)... like, if I expected him to not throw tantrums when I didn't give him money... or if I expected him to ask me how my day was when we were having dinner... that was "too much".] So he was shouting at me, saying that I only thought about myself and that I expected "too much" from him... etc.

And I said, "please stop shouting in my face, it's scary and abusive behavior. If you stop shouting, we can discuss the situation calmly."

Then he leaned in close to me and hissed through his teeth, "If you think I'm abusive..." and then he suddenly screamed, "THEN F**K YOU!!!"

Months later, I ended up on the receiving end of help from a domestic violence service (and help from some of his ex-girlfriends) and I learned that abuse is not only physical violence, but a spectrum... and often the more subtle forms of abuse can do a lot of lasting damage.

I think once the quacking starts, it's best to get away from them because it just shows you that they are going to lie to protect their addiction. They will lie to you, their mother, the cops, the courts, and themselves. They no longer live on planet earth so don't keep flying out to meet them.