This is a hard one. I ended up going for therapy so I could work though it and get to a place of peace and acceptance. What worked for me is understanding that when under the influence, alcohol and drugs change the brain. The behaviors are but a symptom of being intoxicated. These behaviors did not represent who my husband was at the core. A man who I respected and loved.
But when my husband was deep in his addiction, he became volatile and dangerous for me to be around.
I had to protect myself physically and emotionally. In order to do that I had to do the following at various times: limit contact, move out of our home, reside in the same home but lived in a separate bedroom and kept contact to a minimum, needed space for my emotions and moved out again,
None of it was done to hurt him. Looking back, I actually think it helped preserve our relationship.
Another thing that helped separate the behavior from the person was maintaining the relationship during sober times. Focusing on the positive parts of the relationship, and seeing him as a whole person. The substance abuse was something HE was going through.