seekingcalm

Almost 2 years ago, I told my son that I did not want him to be in my home when drunk or hungover. That I preferred he not be drunk or hungover in my presence. He's just 27 now, great job, great apartment, and until 3 weeks ago, he respected my wishes. So much so, that I let myself believe that he somehow had it under control. Or that alcohol was not a problem for him.
I visited his office, met his co-workers, his boss...was invited to join them for a drink after work. Everything going so well...lovely conversation. My son is a charmer and can be so loving. But of course, while I nursed 1 glass of chardonnay, he drank three large IPAs. It wasn't long before the switch flipped, and he was angry and it all got directed at me. He brought up old wounds, he was nasty...then charming, then nasty again.
When I left him, I said something about how he'd really be a grown-up when he learned that anger and resentment would hurt him more than anyone he directed it at. But it was beyond time to reason with him. At this point, he was 5 very large beers in.
The thing is, we haven't spoken since. I sent him a card...basically said I love you and I know you love me, and I hope you can find peace in your life. Of course, no reply.
He is my child, but I can see no communication indefinitely and that's so sad. I have to admit though, that even though I know he loves me very much, and cares very much about what I think, there is no one who treats me as poorly as he does when he is drunk. I never should have gone out with him after work, and I won't again.
If he wasn't my son, I would not want to spend time with him. There, I've said it. I never thought I could feel that way about my own child.
I know in my heart that his life and his relationships are going to cause him and others pain until he finds recovery.
Grateful to be here...gonna stay awhile.

dandylion

seekingcalm…..I have been where you are.....and, you sound typical of every other mother of an adult alcoholic child that I have known.....
My heart goes out to you....
To me...it is different than having an alcoholic mate or lover.....

CRRHCC

Hang in there. I have three boys 27, 29 and 31. 27 is a volatile age. When people get drunk often their emotions go wild. Sometimes people find it easier to bring up, "Old wounds," when they are intoxicated. Perhaps someday you can have a sober conversation about those old wounds. It's possible that your son is even avoiding you because he feels, "Shame." Give it time and praise him for what he does right.

atalose

I think you separate it by exactly what you said, that next time you will know not to go out to a bar with him after work. Up until the bar part you enjoyed his company and meeting his co-workers.

I used to have these ill-interactions with my son after he had been drinking as well, it’s not easy but we learn as we go. One of the things I did find was that when I backed off, stopped being the one to initiate all the communications he would eventually initiate it.

seekingcalm

Thank you all. I know I am in the right place. So many different people...so many similar stories. I feel less alone.

Mellybug

While the alcoholic in my life wasn’t my child (and I really couldn’t even imagine how much more difficult having it be a child would be) I can really identify with the anger, resentment, anger flip-flopping.
I, too, had set the boundary of not being around me when drunk or hungover. Unfortunately when he drank he wanted to have access to me and I regularly had to remind him of my boundary and hang up or tell him to leave.
I also really loved him and knew he loved me, too, but I really couldn’t take the emotional roller coaster anymore.
No, you’re definitely not alone! It is so unfortunate that so very many of us have been so negatively affected by a loved one’s drinking. It actually makes me angry, which is another area eventually I want to work on. For now, I am focusing on myself and what I need to do to be back to a healthy “me”.
Keep coming back, reading the posts in the forum, and know that while we don’t all know you, we have a love for you.

hopeful4

I can only second Mellybug's post above. Well said!

aliciagr

This is a hard one. I ended up going for therapy so I could work though it and get to a place of peace and acceptance. What worked for me is understanding that when under the influence, alcohol and drugs change the brain. The behaviors are but a symptom of being intoxicated. These behaviors did not represent who my husband was at the core. A man who I respected and loved.

But when my husband was deep in his addiction, he became volatile and dangerous for me to be around.

I had to protect myself physically and emotionally. In order to do that I had to do the following at various times: limit contact, move out of our home, reside in the same home but lived in a separate bedroom and kept contact to a minimum, needed space for my emotions and moved out again,

None of it was done to hurt him. Looking back, I actually think it helped preserve our relationship.

Another thing that helped separate the behavior from the person was maintaining the relationship during sober times. Focusing on the positive parts of the relationship, and seeing him as a whole person. The substance abuse was something HE was going through.

seekingcalm

I see that I can separate my son from his behavior. I was doing just that. Problem was, I separated myself enough to fool myself into believing that he didn't have a problem at all, and perhaps had just been going through a rough time. His behavior around me has been very good for over a year and a half, but I was not around him when he had been drinking to excess because I set those boundaries and he kept to them.
It was my mistake to put myself in a situation where he would feel comfortable drinking unchecked (no driving involved), and out as opposed to in my home.
I am dealing with the disappointment that my fantasy was just that. I saw what I wanted to see, and set it up so I didn't have to see more. I had so hoped it was real.
I know now that he is pretty typical, and that his journey is just that...his journey.
I will figure out a way once again to have a relationship with him. He will always be my son, and I know his addiction causes him more pain than it causes me, so I will pray for him and hope that he gets tired of feeling bad, as I know he does. So easy for me to see that his life could be so much more. But it's not up to me, so I will stay here with you good folks, and read and continue on...
Many thanks for this wonderful forum.