Originally Posted by
Bernadette 
From Aliciagr: [
Therapy helped me release the well-rehearsed control focus, to just be more open, more loose and forgiving, and to listen more, and to be responsible to myself in my behavior.
Some books that really helped me become a better parent (boys were young when we split, 7 and 3) were "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott, and "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish.
I know I have made great (and bungling and imperfect) strides in breaking the codie chain with my boys. They are all grown up now. When I have my sh*t together I try to say "I love you, I'm listening." and then just listen, don't offer a different version, or advice. Just answer questions honestly. I try to show interest and ask questions. I let things be, don't rush to have every trouble or argument wrapped up neat in a bow that satisfies me! When I don't have my sh*t together and I'm wrong I apologize without being dramatic or turning the apology into a pat need for reassuring words so that I feel some immediate gratification.
I guess listening was a big big theme for me. I think as a small child in an alcoholic home I just didn't feel heard at all. My direct questions about what the heck was going on were ignored, met with anger, or answered with walls and layers of lies and cover ups. So I learned to hold it all in since no one seemed to hear me. But boy I was listening! And learning! Yikes.
Even now if my Mom could just LISTEN, genuinely listen, and show interest in what I am saying. If she genuinely apologized for any of the hurts she caused me and my siblings, for her sometimes insane behavior when we were kids, and then gave me space to forgive her, not expect an instant flurry of words of reassurance and praise. As my father recovered he made his amends to me, we had some amazing conversations, he never contradicted my experiences, he listened to painful memories and he genuinely apologized. That was very healing, and we were close until he died.
It's tough stuff anyway parenting, and every parent with any self-awareness from an A home or not has done things or said things they regret. I can still keep myself awake at night if I perseverate on regretful moments in my boys' childhood. My mom always brags how she sleeps so well, so maybe her continuing denial protects her! I'm OK with my occasional sleepless nights and authentic relationship with my kids. I just try to keep an open mind and keep it real. Forgiving myself is still the hardest and most elusive thing....
Peace,
B.
Thank you for the books. I love to read.
Several posts on here have talked about the inability of the codependent to actually LISTEN. Agree very much. One of the biggest differences I see between my mom and my MIL is that my mom listens and she understands that I have the ability to form my own opinions, process things in my own way and time. We can discuss differences in opinion and talk about why we feel a certain way. Its a calm and respectful interaction and has led me to value my moms input, and feel comfortable sharing with her because I feel respected, loved and like she listens and does want to help me, but it comes from a place of wisdom, of knowing the values that were instilled in me, and these types of things. She is ok if I make a decision she doesn't agree with.
She listens to ME. And views me as having my own identity. Its changed over time as Ive become an adult, married and the like. But even when I was a kid I felt this from both my parents. The other thing is my parents would tell me when they felt I had done something wrong. But they separated the action from who I was as a person and so I still felt loved and respected - although I often did feel I had disappointed them (as in I didn't hold to the values I believe in)
But its the exact opposite with my MIL. She see's her kids as an extension of her and of course that control factor. She doesn't need to listen because she knows what the problem is, what they are thinking, how they are processing the information, that the action taken will be wrong unless she inserts herself into the issue. She also did the opposite of my parents and according to my husband didn't separate a behavior from the person. He was bad, he was stupid. And once a person lives with this type of thing long enough it does affect them in my opinion.
My FIL while he was detached from so much of this. The one good thing he did was push both his kids to get an education and believed they could do anything. But that created two different extremes with low self esteem on the one hand, and pressure to be successful and not make mistakes or fail or he was bad!