FireSprite

(nodding along) Yes - except it's my 42-yr old sister & she's just independent enough to think she's "dealt with her stuff just fine, thank you very much".

In her case, mom has helped her out so much over all the years that she can't stop from reacting through guilt.

I'm the oldest & always have been treated like an adult while my sister is still somewhat coddled as the "baby", although it's less obvious now.

My niece is the oldest granddaughter but because she's my sister's daughter (following? ) she gets treated like my sister.

My younger daughter, who was the actual baby for years, gets treated like *me* - mini adult, no coddling, no efforts to bond. Our DD's are our mini-me's & mom treats them as such. As a result, my niece is less mature & capable than my daughter, who is younger by 5 yrs.

She still only invites my daughter over when/because she already has plans with my niece &/or nephew.... does DD want to "join them"? Insulting. If it's just my nephew, it's because she needs DD's help - he's very high maintenance, and has zero respect for her. But he adores DD & will listen to every word she says.

Me too girl, me too. Don't get down on yourself - we ALL do better when we know better. The fact that you are aware of it is Huge.


I'm glad B highlighted this statement again - I have expressed this opinion many times & I know it isn't likely to be well-received here for the most part...... but it's the biggest truth in this thread.

Her Codependency is far, far harder to deal with & IMO I think it's because with addicts, we develop our reactive behaviors over time but with a Codie Mom, I was In Training for these behaviors literally from the day I was born. And when I break a habit, she takes it as a personal statement directed at her own parenting. DD & I tried to share about an amazing seminar we attended over the summer & you could watch mom just shut down the more we spoke. I think I have it alllll figured out, don't I? I'm just *so smart*. Sigh.

I've often said the perfect scenario for her would be if she had had 10 kids, because there would be so many of us, she could stay busy running from one to another & could spiral in her dysfunction all around. Needing to be needed is huge with her too - but only in the negative sense..... when you need her help, her money, her time, have a crisis - she kicks into her highest functioning mode. She embraces drama even while she complains about it - overinvolving herself in all kinds of stuff (condo board) but refusing to actually DO anything to create change (like run for the board) other than complaining loudly - she expertly abdicates responsibility for every possible thing & then bitches loudly when it goes awry.

When I cut my dad's FOO off after his death because they were being emotionally abusive to her ~again~ she acted like a wounded child needing protection & then turned around years later & told other family members that I kept her from being able to have a relationship with them. WHAT?? Why weren't you the adult taking care of it to being with?? Why did your 19 yr old have to step in & HOW does she have *that much* control over things???

Messes with my mind, it does! Even now!

The greatest tragedy is that I fully see how she did the best she could at the time with what she was working & dealing with - but that can't be the behavior we carry forward - ESPECIALLY me because I live, work, eat & breathe my recovery. No secret keeping with me - not even about Codie Ways.

What makes it so hard, again, is her lack of acceptance & awareness about herself. It's not my job to decide she needs to change, but I also refuse to volunteer to expose myself to trigger after trigger & create stress & anxiety for myself. She can stay this way forever if she really wants to! She just can't get angry at me for not wanting to be witness to it. The few times we've talked about her using resources she just dissolves into exasperated sputtering - nothing is available or affordable & WTF do I expect her to do???? Her fury grew exponentially as I shared resource after resource after resource - she did not want to hear that, she wanted ongoing sympathy & allowances for her poor behavior.

And truthfully, everyone deserves to be free from whatever demons devour them from the inside out - I so wish that for her because she might actually start LIVING if she were to realize it. She's in control of that - she can do it any time she chooses.