Originally Posted by
aliciagr 
But.. like my Codependent Im sure she needs to help because she needs the high of feeling like she is needed, looked up to, wise, and in control of the situation which the other person couldnt handle without her, That's my MIL
She cannot accept that her behaviors had a negative impact on her parenting. Obviously if she couldn't control her emotions, or cope in healthy ways then she also couldn't teach these things to her kids. But she takes no responsibility as a parent for causing him emotional harm.
Alicia, those parts I quoted from you really ring true for me about my mother.
She needs to be needed. She can not for the life of her see that her behavior has negatively affected anyone How could it ( in her own mind) since she does everything she does from a place of love?
My mum was raised by a mentally ill mother who was emotionally and mentally abusive. I don't think she meant to be, but grandma herself was sick. At 20 my mum married my already alcoholic 22yr old Dad and that 50yr long alky/codie ride began. A few years later when we were born she tied her whole identity into being Wonder Mother... she was never able to cut those apron strings once we grew up. I gnawed threw the ones she was strangling me with and escaped... but my 44yr old brother is still fully entangled. The relationship between my mother and brother is insanely sick. I've written about it on other people's "sibling woe" threads so I wont spill it all over again.. but it is an enmeshment dysfunction to the highest degree. It WILL kill both of them, I have zero doubt about that. No, I'm not psychic, but my mother is going to love my brother to death and that will in turn kill her.
My mother still thinks of my brother and I as her babies. She SAYS this out loud! I have argued with her about this since I was a teenager. I will concede that I will always be her "child" but that I am NOT a baby nor an actual child, I am an adult who has children old enough to have their own darn children! Recently I've quit engaging in this endless conversation. I will hang up or walk away. I will not be infantalized to meet some sick need in her. If she wants to hang on to that delusion to make herself feel vindicated in her behavior then she can fill her boots, but I wont play the part. My brother on the other hand is very resentfully allowing her to very resentfully baby him.
For the life of her my mother can not see that "helping" my brother has caused him immeasurable harm. Never allowing him to fully face a consequence or act like a man in his own right has done irreversible damage as far as I can see. I hate being witness to it.
It is such a mess. So many unhealthy dynamics at play. It's no wonder I don't want to go visit... my brother still sleeps with his head laid down not 30 feet from hers...
uuugggggggg