From Aliciagr: something Ive wondered is why are there hardly any posts where codependents discuss how they can improve their own parenting skills and not teach their kids unhealthy behaviors and ways to cope with life. (Im doing a lot of reading on parenting right now)
I brought full on codie nuttiness into my first marriage, I was so smug that I hadn't married an A, thought that would prevent me from turning into my Mother. Ha ha ha, that gold level alcoholic family/codie training infects everything until you face it and deal with it! I perfectly recreated the dynamic in my parents' marriage. I wanted that man to change so badly. He was emotionally unavailable, an absent father, destroyer of financial health, unable to wake up in the morning or get anywhere on time. Could I accept any of that? No. My short-lived warped belief was I could get him to change and I hinged my happiness in the relationship on him changing.
As my marriage crumbled a good friend said to me, "If he was a drug addict I would better understand his behavior!" DING! Well that helped me understand MY behavior. Back to therapy for me. Especially because I really did not want to perpetuate that codie blueprint for the boys.
Therapy helped me release the well-rehearsed control focus, to just be more open, more loose and forgiving, and to listen more, and to be responsible to myself in my behavior.
Some books that really helped me become a better parent (boys were young when we split, 7 and 3) were "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott, and "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish.
I know I have made great (and bungling and imperfect) strides in breaking the codie chain with my boys. They are all grown up now. When I have my sh*t together I try to say "I love you, I'm listening." and then just listen, don't offer a different version, or advice. Just answer questions honestly. I try to show interest and ask questions. I let things be, don't rush to have every trouble or argument wrapped up neat in a bow that satisfies me! When I don't have my sh*t together and I'm wrong I apologize without being dramatic or turning the apology into a pat need for reassuring words so that I feel some immediate gratification.
I guess listening was a big big theme for me. I think as a small child in an alcoholic home I just didn't feel heard at all. My direct questions about what the heck was going on were ignored, met with anger, or answered with walls and layers of lies and cover ups. So I learned to hold it all in since no one seemed to hear me. But boy I was listening! And learning! Yikes.
Even now if my Mom could just LISTEN, genuinely listen, and show interest in what I am saying. If she genuinely apologized for any of the hurts she caused me and my siblings, for her sometimes insane behavior when we were kids, and then gave me space to forgive her, not expect an instant flurry of words of reassurance and praise. As my father recovered he made his amends to me, we had some amazing conversations, he never contradicted my experiences, he listened to painful memories and he genuinely apologized. That was very healing, and we were close until he died.
It's tough stuff anyway parenting, and every parent with any self-awareness from an A home or not has done things or said things they regret. I can still keep myself awake at night if I perseverate on regretful moments in my boys' childhood. My mom always brags how she sleeps so well, so maybe her continuing denial protects her! I'm OK with my occasional sleepless nights and authentic relationship with my kids. I just try to keep an open mind and keep it real. Forgiving myself is still the hardest and most elusive thing....
Peace,
B.