Originally Posted by
SmallButMighty 
We hear a lot about AdultChildrenofAlcoholics... why do we almost never talk about AdultChildrenofCodependents ?
something Ive wondered is why are there hardly any posts where codependents discuss how they can improve their own parenting skills and not teach their kids unhealthy behaviors and ways to cope with life. (Im doing a lot of reading on parenting right now)
She has started injecting a righteousness and an entitlement into the relationships with people she is trying to manage and control... and then plays the inconvenienced victim when people don't rise 100% to her expectations. She is constantly annoyed that she "has" to help people all the time.
But.. like my Codependent Im sure she needs to help because she needs the high of feeling like she is needed, looked up to, wise, and in control of the situation which the other person couldnt handle without her, That's my MIL
And I know DIL and MIL don't always have good relationships. But my anger towards her lately is stemming from the last emotional breakdown that my husband had while trying to participate in family therapy with her. He is NC again, but its all so sad, frustrating and dysfunctional. My last convo with her left me feeling angry instead of having compassion.
She cannot accept that her behaviors had a negative impact on her parenting. Obviously if she couldn't control her emotions, or cope in healthy ways then she also couldn't teach these things to her kids. But she takes no responsibility as a parent for causing him emotional harm.
My MIL is not married to an alcoholic. The family therapist says most likely her codependency developed when her other son suffered a head injury in an accident. She became worrisome, doting, a caregiver who then turned caretaker, and then formed her identity around this and began her addiction to controlling others and needing to rule everyone around her. Her husband worked a lot and delegated the home to her - in some ways like an alcoholic leaves responsibility to the partner. I get it, I do. But its not an excuse any more than being lost in an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
My MIL attends Alanon but has not used it to recover from her own issues. She has used it in my opinion to shield herself from accepting any responsibility for how she parented her kids (the 3 C's) and for allowing herself more leeway in thinking she can set unreasonable boundaries that others have to follow or she is being victimized. (I know that not the description of a boundary but its how she uses them)
She cannot see the dysfunction that was, cannot fathom how my husband needed counseling when he was a kid, before he was 16, 17 and began to experiment with drugs. The dysfunction he grew up with caused him to seek escape and ways to cope. As an adult he is working on it, and no, isn't using drugs or alcohol now. But he struggles with depression and other issues still.
I know I can't change the way she behaves. That's not my job. I can realize how sick it is, I can be glad I no longer display that behavior and that my life is no longer on that same trajectory. I am glad I have been able to talk openly and honestly with my daughter about the codependent mistakes I made as she and her brother were growing up. I hope one day my son gives me the same opportunity. I have faith that the cycle will stop. I have to believe that.
I am travelling to visit my mum (for the first time in more then a year) at the end of next month. I am already getting anxious and annoyed. I've already made some alternative plans so I don't spend the entire two weeks gritting my teeth and chomping at the bit. I don't want to feel this way about my mum. She's getting older, she is in her 70s... I want to feel tender towards her, I want to want to spend time with her, but she makes me feel crazy. I don't want to be around her. This makes me very upset, I don't want to feel this way towards her.
So why does my Mum's codependency behaviour bother me more then my Dad's drinking did? Is it because I can relate to the codependency and don't want to be around that dysfunction anymore? Is it because it is still in real time? Is it because I'm blaming her for molding me in her image?( I like to think I was beyond this at this point in my own recovery).... And how the heck am I going to deal with all this negativity I'm feeling towards my mother whom I love so deeply?
This is much of what my husband struggles with. And we BOTH want her in our life. And she wants so badly to be a grandma to our son.
My husband has been working through feelings about her that relate not just to codependency but also to narcissism. Its rather a confusing situation for him when his mom is a mix between kind/sweet/giving - but does so when she is getting what she wants and feels the high and the needed acceptance. But then emotional, using guilt and tears, with anger if he dares to go against her, leave her out of something.
He's having a hard time with how codependency contains elements of narcissism. Its easier to sympathize over her being needy, but not her wanting to take and control for her own emotional needs.