Hi and Welcome!
I'm sorry that your relationship ended. Alcoholism takes everything away from us that we love. It sounds like you are trying to moderate your drinking. Most of us here have attempted the same thing and finally realized that it simply doesn't work for us. Stopping drinking completely is really far easier than moderating,
Right now you are blaming yourself for the end of your relationship. Try to change the self-blame into action. Recognize that you need to stop drinking and make a positive change in yourself and your life. We do understand how hard this is.