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Old 09-04-2018, 02:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Seeking positive advice


I'm currently going through a breakup due to my inability to limit my drinking habits. Ive come along way from drinking daily a few years ago, to enjoying a drink on select days. My issue is I dont know when to not have that "one more". Which can send me down a spiral of emotions and depending on the situation rage. Which has led to full blame on the end of my relationship. I'm seeking support from others in similar situations and how you have moved forward w the end of a relationahip and accepting where changes are needed. Anything would help at this point.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi and Welcome!

I'm sorry that your relationship ended. Alcoholism takes everything away from us that we love. It sounds like you are trying to moderate your drinking. Most of us here have attempted the same thing and finally realized that it simply doesn't work for us. Stopping drinking completely is really far easier than moderating,

Right now you are blaming yourself for the end of your relationship. Try to change the self-blame into action. Recognize that you need to stop drinking and make a positive change in yourself and your life. We do understand how hard this is.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My positive advice is that you consider giving up drinking 100%.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I second what Anna said above. Stopping completely is easier than moderation. Because if you don't drink, then there's never a chance of drinking too much. But attempting to moderate carries the risk of failure, and both yourself and your loved ones get tired of those failures after a while. Really tired. And sometimes angry. Sometimes heartbroken.

That's my two cents.

If you concentrate now on not drinking and being the best person you can be, then relationships will go well in the future. Whether it's your current relationship or a new one, time will tell on that. But if you make healthy choices and set yourself up for success, the odds will be in your favor.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Have you thought about stop drinking completely, that would stop the cycle of destruction.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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As hard as it is (at first) to stop drinking, it's easier than moderating. At least, it was for me.
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome Tealstars. I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through.

I tried for years to moderate. I was desperate to not give it up all together - but why? It was a miserable habit that brought me nothing but pain. Every time it was in my system I behaved recklessly & put myself in danger. Once I realized I could never have just one, I was able to get free. There's a better life waiting for you - we're here to help. Knowing your not alone will make a difference.
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Old 09-04-2018, 05:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tealstars View Post
Ive come along way from drinking daily a few years ago, to enjoying a drink on select days. My issue is I dont know when to not have that "one more".
From my experience, whether you drink on a daily basis or not is irrelevant. I was a binge drinker, and not drinking a couple days in a row was easy peasy. My actual problem was that once I got started I couldnít stop - thatís why moderation didnít really work for me and thatís why I label myself an alcoholic. I didnít drink to enjoy a glass of wine, I drank to get hammered.
So yes, the best course of action is to completely stop. Oh, and regarding the breakups - my bet is that once youíve put enough time between you and your last drink youíll understand why they were the inevitable result of your drinking, even if you donít think so now!
Make your life easier, quit today!
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Old 09-04-2018, 05:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Tealstars just a bit over 3 & a half years ago my drinking got to the point where my marriage ended & I moved out of the family home (mainly so that I could keep drinking without those pesky "family responsibilities"). I've posted my story on the "Stories Of Recovery" forum, if you want to read the sordid details
I completely agree with Radix's post - in fact, I had to double-check to make sure I didn't write it myself!!
From my own experience the best advice I can give is to forget moderation (whatever the hell that means, I never "moderated" my drinking, there were just times I drank less), focus on getting & staying alcohol free & replacing unhealthy habits & patterns of behavior with healthy ones. The best thing you can do is to clean yourself up, physically & spiritually.
Sending you good vibes & positive thoughts, hope it all goes well
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Old 09-04-2018, 05:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for your breakup tealstar, but welcome. This is a great community

Like others have said, for me, it's not so much the volume or the frequency of drinking as what happens to you when you do.

For many years I blamed the last drink - 'if only I hadn't had that one'...in fact it was the first drink that started the madness.

If drinking makes you into someone you don;t like maybe the answer isn't knowing when to quit but knowing not to start?

D
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Old 09-04-2018, 05:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My ex and I are in the middle of a protracted and distressing divorce (for mew, her and our 2 adult sons). There is no hope of reconciliation. I drank for years- and was a horrible person. This all came to a peak 3yrs when be-c of booze I nearly burnt to death (accident- blackout, horrible story). My family abandoned me at that point.

I have to work just on me and give my family the privacy and respect due to them. If they come back and want to know me- now I am sober (2.5y) that would be wonderful, although I doubt it.

Stop drinking now. It only makes every problem worse. The problems are still there the next day- with a hangover. Stop for your own health and leave the world to deal with itself. Rehab, meetings, journal, here, GP and counselling are strategies I use constantly.

Support to you
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Old 09-04-2018, 10:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank You!

Its amazing how reading the comments everyone left really made me feel like I actually have support from others who may be going through or just understand what I'm dealing with. I appreciate the advice everyone's given, I wish nothing but positive thoughts and strength to all fighting this battle. It doesn't look as it will always be easy and wout struggle, but its a huge step to be open and share. 💝
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Old 09-05-2018, 12:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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What really helped me to get 'past' my exgf, while getting/staying sober, was reading the friends & family section here. It's a real eyeopener when you read it from the otherside. My ex was also a drinker as well though,so when I got sober I left her the last time. Mine was a toxic relationship and I *think* that a lot of relationships with one/both partners caught up in active addiction tend to have some level of codependency involed. At least that's the way I see it.

Two ways to go: 1) Continue to drink at/over the breakup and stay stuck. 2) Work a good sobriety plan for yourself,not to try to get her back, and live your best life.
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Old 09-05-2018, 08:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome, Tealstars. I'm glad you're here; you will find lots of support and understanding. I hope you stick around and post often.
I was never able to moderate, although I certainly tried! In the end it was easier to just stop completely, for I had no off switch when it comes to booze--if you're an alcoholic you don't possess one.
I wish you all the best on your sober journey.
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Old 09-05-2018, 08:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tealstars View Post
My issue is I dont know when to not have that "one more".
A good friend with a whole lot of sobriety often shares "If you get hit by a train, it's not the caboose that's gonna kill you."

From personal experience, I could black out after six or sixteen or not black out at all. That's the nature of the beast... we have no control after we take the first drink. I didn't get into serious trouble every time I drank, but without exception every time I got into serious trouble I had been drinking.
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