Hey SmallButMighty,
Wow, yeah I can really relate to your struggle.
I honestly believe my mother's codependency affected me a lot more negatively then my father's alcoholism.
THIS.
After I had been attending AlAnon for a while I started going to therapy. I came in there just assuming that all my "troubles" were related to my alcoholic father and, while I recognized my mother was codependent, I hadn't connected all the dots to how their dual dynamic had affected me. Pretty quickly the therapist was pointing out things about how my Mom's codie ways had deeply affected me and my siblings, and I spent a good deal of that year in therapy unraveling what I had learned from Mom and what it all meant.
During this time one unique thing going on in real time was my father had found recovery, so I had started recognizing how my father was making this pretty amazing transformation (he worked his AA program and really did change so much and grow) but I was recognizing that Mom was not changing, was still raging, still invested in her worry and disappointment, still acting the martyr and living in phony denial and drama land.
She went to AlAnon briefly and would brag to me about how enlightened she was compared to other women in the group, and how Dad "wasn't as bad" as some of the stories she was hearing, and my favorite: what a good job she did preventing us kids from "knowing" about Dad's drinking when we were "little." OMG. maddening. This become like, solidified in her "version of herself." That mis-remembered memory thing..she always paints herself smelling like a rose, knowing better than everyone else, denying our lived experience to my face.
I think even as I was shining the bright lights on my upbringing I just had no idea how deep my codie indoctrination had gone, because I couldn't accept her as she is for a long time.
What did I want her to change into? A Mom that suited my needs, I didn't expect perfect I just wanted authentic and open. Well, that's just not her.
I am grateful that she was sober and responsible (to the best of her ability) while I was a kid. I do want to be in her life but in keeping with the reality of who she is I have to keep it very light and superficial. I dread seeing her and I'm definitely on guard the whole time with her and do not let myself get sucked into her bs as best I can, then when I leave I feel pity for her and sad...
I have recently found that doing any kind of guided forgiveness meditation before seeing her has helped me maintain a kind of zen detachment! I like this one a lot by Tara Brach
https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-for...ss-meditation/
I plan mindless activities with her, like a movie or shopping, visiting with her friends. When she tells her old stories in public company I literally just look down and stay silent and let the moment pass, she looks to me for validation, and I do not participate in that bs. This has led to a decrease in her "storytelling" in front of me.
My mother has deeply hurt me, with words and actions. But I don't wish to go no contact with her. She's an old lady now. I've accepted there will be no transformation so it's helped me to tolerate her. But there is still this big sad space for me around her....
Peace,
B.