SmallButMighty

We hear a lot about AdultChildrenofAlcoholics... why do we almost never talk about AdultChildrenofCodependents ?

So, many of us here understand having an alcoholic parent. My Dad was an alcoholic. He died as a result of his unhealthy lifestyle. He was not a violent man, he loved us, provided for us and protected us, but he was a broken man.. and pretty checked-out as a parent. My mother was definitely THEE parent. I don't harbour any resentments towards my Dad, I cherish the good memories and have learned from the not good ones. I feel I have a full understanding of his demons and why they existed. I wish he had gotten help for the underlying issues, but he didn't, and that can not be changed now. I am at peace where my Dad is concerned.

My mother is a different situation. I am so frustrated with her recently. And it seems to get worse every time I talk to her. I've mentioned many times that she is a raging codependent. I know a few people do not care for that label, but I really don't know what else you could call it. She embodies the word. There is not a single codie trait that she does not display.

I honestly believe my mother's codependency affected me a lot more negatively then my father's alcoholism. I didn't grow up to be an alcoholic, I grew up to be a codependent, married to an alcoholic. This isn't to say I blame my mother, I don't. I know she did/does the best she can based on her upbringing and what she has been exposed to. I get all that, I'm not bashing her.But I am so frustrated with her behaviour.

Last year she started going to S.M.A.R.T. meetings and she loves them! I was excited and hopeful that she would maybe start seeing aspects of her life she could approach differently. Unfortunately, as she doesn't consider herself a codependent anymore "because her alcoholic husband is gone", she hasn't seen this as something she needs to work on. (She doesn't seem to realize that codependency doesn't just mean being married to an alcoholic .... hahahah.. ahhh Mum!)... I realize that whatever work she is doing on herself is her business, her side of the street. We are both grown women, living on opposite coasts. I don't need to worry about how much she worries...or what she concerns herself with, or gets angry about, or what situations she injects herself into, who she is judging or who she is trying to "help"... It's her choice to drive herself nuts with worry.. I get that. I do not live in F.O.G anymore. If she wants to be a martyr, I don't have to attend that party.

She does try to involve me. I've gotten very good at not dancing that dance, not with her and not for her. I won't be codependent to her codependence. I absolutely refuse to enable her addiction of codependence. But she keeps trying! She keeps filling me in on all the details of this, that and the other...that she has no business being a part of. She is getting worse! She has started injecting a righteousness and an entitlement into the relationships with people she is trying to manage and control... and then plays the inconvenienced victim when people don't rise 100% to her expectations. She is constantly annoyed that she "has" to help people all the time.

I usually avoid engaging with her when she babbles this kind of stuff at me... yesterday she dragged someone we both love into the chaos. This person has M.S., is disabled and just lost a loved one. My hackles went up and I responded. She was being so unreasonable. I should not have reacted, but I did, I pointed out what she was being unreasonable about. I poked holes in her "reasonings" and I probably made her feel quite guilty by pointing out some cold hard facts. I was shocked at the audacity of what she was expecting... totally gobsmacked. I am now waiting for the fall out. I know I should not have engaged.

I know I can't change the way she behaves. That's not my job. I can realize how sick it is, I can be glad I no longer display that behavior and that my life is no longer on that same trajectory. I am glad I have been able to talk openly and honestly with my daughter about the codependent mistakes I made as she and her brother were growing up. I hope one day my son gives me the same opportunity. I have faith that the cycle will stop. I have to believe that.

I am travelling to visit my mum (for the first time in more then a year) at the end of next month. I am already getting anxious and annoyed. I've already made some alternative plans so I don't spend the entire two weeks gritting my teeth and chomping at the bit. I don't want to feel this way about my mum. She's getting older, she is in her 70s... I want to feel tender towards her, I want to want to spend time with her, but she makes me feel crazy. I don't want to be around her. This makes me very upset, I don't want to feel this way towards her.

So why does my Mum's codependency behaviour bother me more then my Dad's drinking did? Is it because I can relate to the codependency and don't want to be around that dysfunction anymore? Is it because it is still in real time? Is it because I'm blaming her for molding me in her image?( I like to think I was beyond this at this point in my own recovery).... And how the heck am I going to deal with all this negativity I'm feeling towards my mother whom I love so deeply?

*sigh* I don't expect any answers, I think I just needed a place to pour out my feelings where maybe someone would understand what I'm feeling...even though people rarely talk about the codependents in their lives...

Alcoholism affects us all so negatively
So does Codependence