No longer living a lie
Sobriety, especially during this one year period, makes it difficult to avoid honesty.
I used to say that I drank because I was an alcoholic, which is true, but I also I drank to cover up or blot out what was true for me, what was authentic living.
Early in sobriety, I was hyper focused on staying sober. That takes a lot of mental energy you know. that's why so many relapse in the first months. Because spending all your mental and emotional time staying sober and making it your priority is very distracting. I had to commit to that and make sobriety more important than anything else.
Later in sobriety, there's this reckoning of sorts. Hypervigilance becomes simple focus, spending time working on sobriety becomes life.
But when you've spent years filling the void with alcohol, it's not always easy to figure out what goes in that void after becoming sober.
I still want to hide in distractions but that wall between the act of distraction and authentic life starts to crumble.
You'd think I would know myself as I round the corner to 50. But sometimes lately in the last couple months, I look around and don't recognize my life: the anger at my mother, what's that about? Is that justified? Looking at my husband; who are you anyway? Why did I marry you again? what do you look like with sober eyes? Looking at my kids, how did you even make it? Where did I screw up and how can I make it better? what exactly is the issue with the kids? Are they ok? Yikes. I have moments where I am just aware and existing and I'm still sitting in those moments blown away that I am not drinking, I am living in a moment. The absolute awareness still; after a year, is a weird mix of gratefulness and discomfort that I haven't really grown into. Drinking, even during brief periods of sobriety while actively drinking, is not a state that even begins to approximate this feeling.
this feeling is different than it is at 3 months or even 9 months, it makes me realize that just now I am scratching the surface of this.
where's that big comforter and that Hulu subscription again...maybe if I'm careful that wall can stop crumbling for a bit...I'll venture out a little at a time...