No longer living a lie
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No longer living a lie
Sobriety, especially during this one year period, makes it difficult to avoid honesty.
I used to say that I drank because I was an alcoholic, which is true, but I also I drank to cover up or blot out what was true for me, what was authentic living.
Early in sobriety, I was hyper focused on staying sober. That takes a lot of mental energy you know. that's why so many relapse in the first months. Because spending all your mental and emotional time staying sober and making it your priority is very distracting. I had to commit to that and make sobriety more important than anything else.
Later in sobriety, there's this reckoning of sorts. Hypervigilance becomes simple focus, spending time working on sobriety becomes life.
But when you've spent years filling the void with alcohol, it's not always easy to figure out what goes in that void after becoming sober.
I still want to hide in distractions but that wall between the act of distraction and authentic life starts to crumble.
You'd think I would know myself as I round the corner to 50. But sometimes lately in the last couple months, I look around and don't recognize my life: the anger at my mother, what's that about? Is that justified? Looking at my husband; who are you anyway? Why did I marry you again? what do you look like with sober eyes? Looking at my kids, how did you even make it? Where did I screw up and how can I make it better? what exactly is the issue with the kids? Are they ok? Yikes. I have moments where I am just aware and existing and I'm still sitting in those moments blown away that I am not drinking, I am living in a moment. The absolute awareness still; after a year, is a weird mix of gratefulness and discomfort that I haven't really grown into. Drinking, even during brief periods of sobriety while actively drinking, is not a state that even begins to approximate this feeling.
this feeling is different than it is at 3 months or even 9 months, it makes me realize that just now I am scratching the surface of this.
where's that big comforter and that Hulu subscription again...maybe if I'm careful that wall can stop crumbling for a bit...I'll venture out a little at a time...
I used to say that I drank because I was an alcoholic, which is true, but I also I drank to cover up or blot out what was true for me, what was authentic living.
Early in sobriety, I was hyper focused on staying sober. That takes a lot of mental energy you know. that's why so many relapse in the first months. Because spending all your mental and emotional time staying sober and making it your priority is very distracting. I had to commit to that and make sobriety more important than anything else.
Later in sobriety, there's this reckoning of sorts. Hypervigilance becomes simple focus, spending time working on sobriety becomes life.
But when you've spent years filling the void with alcohol, it's not always easy to figure out what goes in that void after becoming sober.
I still want to hide in distractions but that wall between the act of distraction and authentic life starts to crumble.
You'd think I would know myself as I round the corner to 50. But sometimes lately in the last couple months, I look around and don't recognize my life: the anger at my mother, what's that about? Is that justified? Looking at my husband; who are you anyway? Why did I marry you again? what do you look like with sober eyes? Looking at my kids, how did you even make it? Where did I screw up and how can I make it better? what exactly is the issue with the kids? Are they ok? Yikes. I have moments where I am just aware and existing and I'm still sitting in those moments blown away that I am not drinking, I am living in a moment. The absolute awareness still; after a year, is a weird mix of gratefulness and discomfort that I haven't really grown into. Drinking, even during brief periods of sobriety while actively drinking, is not a state that even begins to approximate this feeling.
this feeling is different than it is at 3 months or even 9 months, it makes me realize that just now I am scratching the surface of this.
where's that big comforter and that Hulu subscription again...maybe if I'm careful that wall can stop crumbling for a bit...I'll venture out a little at a time...
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
I just wanted to say thank you for such a lucid, honest post. It is so helpful to have someone like you out front, mapping the territory ahead for those of us in the earlier stages of recovery. It is very generous of you to share your experience.
Been on a journey in recovery learning
with every step and every breath I take
and make each day.
Continue to grow and mature as you
round the corner at any given age and
remember you are as young as you feel
and age is just a number.
with every step and every breath I take
and make each day.
Continue to grow and mature as you
round the corner at any given age and
remember you are as young as you feel
and age is just a number.
I remember asking myself a lot fundamental questions too. They may have been worded differently, but essentially the underlying theme was the same.
As scary as some of those questions are, getting to the answers can be incredibly liberating.
Your closing in on a year. I got really introspective right around then. I relied very heavily on you all as a guide to help me stay the course. Anniversaries were always really difficult for me but I'm weird. You seem to be a lot more grounded than I was.
As scary as some of those questions are, getting to the answers can be incredibly liberating.
Your closing in on a year. I got really introspective right around then. I relied very heavily on you all as a guide to help me stay the course. Anniversaries were always really difficult for me but I'm weird. You seem to be a lot more grounded than I was.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I remember asking myself a lot fundamental questions too. They may have been worded differently, but essentially the underlying theme was the same.
As scary as some of those questions are, getting to the answers can be incredibly liberating.
Your closing in on a year. I got really introspective right around then. I relied very heavily on you all as a guide to help me stay the course. Anniversaries were always really difficult for me but I'm weird. You seem to be a lot more grounded than I was.
As scary as some of those questions are, getting to the answers can be incredibly liberating.
Your closing in on a year. I got really introspective right around then. I relied very heavily on you all as a guide to help me stay the course. Anniversaries were always really difficult for me but I'm weird. You seem to be a lot more grounded than I was.
Things seem so surreal sometimes. Like I made one small decision and kept it, and my entire life became something completely different. My circumstances are still the same, because I still had an intact life the day I stepped out of the darkness, but in my head everything has changed.
I'm struck by how at this time last year; just before quitting I was so deep into the liquor and living from drink to drink and now it's all....changed. Yet one drink, just one, and I go back into the endless loop with only a harrowing journey back out, if I get back out at all. It gives life significance to not take that drink.
Life in Technicolor can be a lot to take in some times, but it is not boring.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I know what you mean Sassy. The realizations were layered and I had many insights and revelations during the first year.... it's still happening. Good to be back in charge steering the ship, my AV was in the drivers seat for way too long.
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Sass,
I wonder if sometimes we all suffer from terminal uniqueness, everyone's journey is different. The longer I am at this, the more I realize that I am not a special snow flake and that the things that worked for me may be different than for you etc.
XX
I wonder if sometimes we all suffer from terminal uniqueness, everyone's journey is different. The longer I am at this, the more I realize that I am not a special snow flake and that the things that worked for me may be different than for you etc.
XX
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Just sharing my experience. May be helpful for some, not for others. I'm no alcohol counselor!
I post here to work through my own stuff, mostly. I'd like to stay sober and I need to post here to stay on course. How it happened for me is, I made one small decision and that fact is so strange to me, that everything changed from that. Everything feels strange right now for me dropsie...
This post was not a lesson for anyone...It was for me.
I post here to work through my own stuff, mostly. I'd like to stay sober and I need to post here to stay on course. How it happened for me is, I made one small decision and that fact is so strange to me, that everything changed from that. Everything feels strange right now for me dropsie...
This post was not a lesson for anyone...It was for me.
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Although if people are going to take personally even what I post in my own thread that I start for my own good...maybe I should take a little break.
I've got my own issues to work through and I'm tired of everyone thinking what I say is some personal attack on their own alcohol struggles.
Apparently because I have a year then everything I say must be some sort of lecture? I've got recovery to sort through for myself, thanks.
I've got my own issues to work through and I'm tired of everyone thinking what I say is some personal attack on their own alcohol struggles.
Apparently because I have a year then everything I say must be some sort of lecture? I've got recovery to sort through for myself, thanks.
Although if people are going to take personally even what I post in my own thread that I start for my own good...maybe I should take a little break.
I've got my own issues to work through and I'm tired of everyone thinking what I say is some personal attack on their own alcohol struggles.
Apparently because I have a year then everything I say must be some sort of lecture? I've got recovery to sort through for myself, thanks.
I've got my own issues to work through and I'm tired of everyone thinking what I say is some personal attack on their own alcohol struggles.
Apparently because I have a year then everything I say must be some sort of lecture? I've got recovery to sort through for myself, thanks.
People don't like my posts, it's their problem. The good news is my sobriety or ANYTHING I post isn't for THEM. I'm WAYYY too selfish for that.
You are a light of reason this place desperately needs. I'm so sick of the same old "cuddle cuddle maybe you should think about stopping crap and flowers and rainbows and you'll get it next time, gurl!!"
This is a deadly disease that needs RAW FACTS about what happens when people think "We'll get em' next time" is the blanket form of tough love we need all the time. I see too many people fall through the cracks from that s#it.
They keep thinking they'll have another next time.
Stay here and be you.
For what is worth it didn't sound like a Iecture to me- but I didn't read anything I thought was accusing you of that either, so...
I very much identify with the idea that just not drinking is the tip of the iceberg.
I tried filling my void with all kinds of things - including recovery - until I finally realised I'd never fill it, but I might heal it.
That took a while, and it also took a lot of courage and a lot of patience for me, and I'm not suffused with either of those things.
I focused on finding meaning and purpose. I focused on finding me - the essential me - I'd been scared to be alone with myself my whole life.
its a big job - but noones more qualified than you to do it, ss
D
I very much identify with the idea that just not drinking is the tip of the iceberg.
I tried filling my void with all kinds of things - including recovery - until I finally realised I'd never fill it, but I might heal it.
That took a while, and it also took a lot of courage and a lot of patience for me, and I'm not suffused with either of those things.
I focused on finding meaning and purpose. I focused on finding me - the essential me - I'd been scared to be alone with myself my whole life.
its a big job - but noones more qualified than you to do it, ss
D
Last edited by Dee74; 09-05-2018 at 07:45 PM. Reason: typo
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 298
I found your post very interesting and I could relate to the introspection that comes without a film of alcohol. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Sometimes I know I may read a text or an email and think something was implied, and when I read it again I realize I missed a part or read it too fast - the drawback of being able to read everything at a stoplight on your smartphone. We're posting about very real, intimate, soul-bearing stuff on here tthat we might not share with even a best friend without being able to convey tears, smiles or intonation or a look of compassion and acceptance. which I have to remind myself of when posting as well as reading. What I meant may not be what you read and vice-versa.
I enjoy your posts. I hope you continue to share your thoughts.
Sometimes I know I may read a text or an email and think something was implied, and when I read it again I realize I missed a part or read it too fast - the drawback of being able to read everything at a stoplight on your smartphone. We're posting about very real, intimate, soul-bearing stuff on here tthat we might not share with even a best friend without being able to convey tears, smiles or intonation or a look of compassion and acceptance. which I have to remind myself of when posting as well as reading. What I meant may not be what you read and vice-versa.
I enjoy your posts. I hope you continue to share your thoughts.
Sass,
Waas up? Me lecture not. I just saying its interesting how we all come at this differently but get to the same place (hopefully).
And even if you do lecture some, we all do, which means we care enough to take the time to do so. Not always easy when we care and feel we can see the issue but not solve it.
But I wonder why my post caused such a reaction -- maybe some learning there.
FYI -- I am a bit of an old timer and have not drank in years but I always learn something and love this place (big hugs to Dee).
XX
Waas up? Me lecture not. I just saying its interesting how we all come at this differently but get to the same place (hopefully).
And even if you do lecture some, we all do, which means we care enough to take the time to do so. Not always easy when we care and feel we can see the issue but not solve it.
But I wonder why my post caused such a reaction -- maybe some learning there.
FYI -- I am a bit of an old timer and have not drank in years but I always learn something and love this place (big hugs to Dee).
XX
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