Knowledge

I apologize in advance for what will probably be a long, rambling post.

Right now I'm sitting in my child's room seething, but trying to hold it together and not let it show for his sake.

So this afternoon, my AF went to hang out with his friends after I specifically asked for him to stay home to watch LO while I ran to the grocery store. As soon as he said "I'll be right back", I knew two things. One, he wasn't going to be "right back" and whenever he did, he would be wasted.

When he came home, he was stumbling and slurring heavily. He went to our room and fell on the bed sleep. I got LO to sleep and decided to lay down as well. Next thing I know, I was awakened by AF falling off the bed (it's pretty high...top of mattress is about waist high). Then I heard it. The oh so common sound of urination on the carpeted floor!

I tried to wake him but he shoved me away and called me a few names. Feeling defeated as I always am, I decided to leave out the room (I'm not sleeping in that room with that stench). What I didn't know until I turned around was that the noise had also awakened LO and he had came into the room (usually keep the room door open since he's still young to listen out for him). He had a worried look on his face and asked if his daddy was drunk and why daddy peed on the floor. All I could say was "Daddy's sick".

Fast forward...right now I am feelings so many feelings. Anger at AF for being pissy drunk again for the gazillionth time. At myself for still being here in this situation. Shocked because I had no idea LO even knew the word "drunk" or could tell when his daddy was drunk. Stuck because I've tried to kick him out but he's refused.

Sick because of the stress (my head and stomach literally hurts right now).

Sad because I know the kind of person he could be, but I realize that may never happen.

I have tried many times to get my ducks in a row to move out or kick him out but it never fails. Either something comes up financially or I'm suckered into staying.

I know what I need to do for my sake and for my LO, but I still feel stuck in quicksand.

I'm just so tired...

I don't know what I'm looking for from this post. I just felt this was the only place I could turn to right now. I just really needed to vent and try to wrap my mind around everything I'm feeling.