Knowledge

I apologize in advance for what will probably be a long, rambling post.

Right now I'm sitting in my child's room seething, but trying to hold it together and not let it show for his sake.

So this afternoon, my AF went to hang out with his friends after I specifically asked for him to stay home to watch LO while I ran to the grocery store. As soon as he said "I'll be right back", I knew two things. One, he wasn't going to be "right back" and whenever he did, he would be wasted.

When he came home, he was stumbling and slurring heavily. He went to our room and fell on the bed sleep. I got LO to sleep and decided to lay down as well. Next thing I know, I was awakened by AF falling off the bed (it's pretty high...top of mattress is about waist high). Then I heard it. The oh so common sound of urination on the carpeted floor!

I tried to wake him but he shoved me away and called me a few names. Feeling defeated as I always am, I decided to leave out the room (I'm not sleeping in that room with that stench). What I didn't know until I turned around was that the noise had also awakened LO and he had came into the room (usually keep the room door open since he's still young to listen out for him). He had a worried look on his face and asked if his daddy was drunk and why daddy peed on the floor. All I could say was "Daddy's sick".

Fast forward...right now I am feelings so many feelings. Anger at AF for being pissy drunk again for the gazillionth time. At myself for still being here in this situation. Shocked because I had no idea LO even knew the word "drunk" or could tell when his daddy was drunk. Stuck because I've tried to kick him out but he's refused.

Sick because of the stress (my head and stomach literally hurts right now).

Sad because I know the kind of person he could be, but I realize that may never happen.

I have tried many times to get my ducks in a row to move out or kick him out but it never fails. Either something comes up financially or I'm suckered into staying.

I know what I need to do for my sake and for my LO, but I still feel stuck in quicksand.

I'm just so tired...

I don't know what I'm looking for from this post. I just felt this was the only place I could turn to right now. I just really needed to vent and try to wrap my mind around everything I'm feeling.

marie1960

When you reach your limit , you will be done.

I remember being pee’d on. Seriously, , there is NOTHING attractive or respectable about an out of control drunk adult who loses control of his bodily functions.

What was supposed to be a nice evening out together, would always end with him arguing, ranting, raving, blacking out, and peeing all over both of us. Just how, ? Just why? Good lord...

And the next morning, umm the dog must have had and accident, umm the dog has been dead for almost a year asshat!

Maybe you can start to formulate a plan in your head, a plan for you and your child not to live in an addicted home. Both you and your child, are worthy of more.

maia1234

K,
I am sorry for what is going on in your home. I bet you are exhausted. When I was going through my misery, I had black circles under my eyes, because I was so overwhelmed. You can get on top of this, you just need a plan.

First off, are you getting any support, family, friends, alanon, open aa meetings or a therapist? There is so much help out there for you that you need to seek it out. Second, you need to figure out what you want to do. So know you finally realize that you thought that you had been "hiding" this drunk behavior from your son. In fact he even knows the name of what his dad is. I would highly recommend taking him out of the house and having a talk with him regarding the disease he has. You trying to hide it any further is over, so the elephant in the room can be seen.

I would recommend you going over the the adult children of alcoholics forum on SR. These are people who grew up in alcoholic homes. There are many people on that forum that had wished the one "healthy" parent had left the home and just didn't stay together to be a normal family. Please research how living in a home with a full blown addict effects everyone involved. You can protect yourself, a child can't, it is no longer just about you.

Educate yourself and make a plan. Maybe, just maybe this will be your rock bottom and get out of the home for good, but maybe not. Take your time, make calculated moves and it will all take place the way it's suppose too.

Hugs, we all understand on this forum.

Knowledge

Thank you for the advice and hugs! It is very exhausting.

I haven't talked to any of my family about it. I've been embarrassed and scared of being judged rather than helped. I did go to therapy for a while and it was very helpful. I felt calmer and not so overwhelmed. I went through my company's eap so when my "free" sessions were up I stopped. I'll look back into that program since it's been a little while. I'll also check into alanon.

I definitely don't want this to start affecting LO. And you're right. What I had thought I was doing was shielding him from it, obviously not. And I don't want the cycle to continue either.

FireSprite

Baby steps. Don't look up at the whole mountain you're climbing- just focus on getting to the next peak safely.

What is on the surface that you can change quickly? Where in your situation can (or do you most need to) create change? What can help you take control of this?

You've been a member for a long time but haven't posted much..... sort of in the closet here, right? (I did that too) Maybe you're just finally ready? Maybe talking through it more will help you discover your next steps?

Michsm

I too put up with alot of BS for 10 years, I also endured it in silence. I finally reached my breaking point and left. I still have bad days but it was the best decision I made, I live in peace. I no longer have to endure everything a drunk has to offer. Good luck to you.

dandylion

This much, I have learned......if one has the strength to live with an alcoholic....they certainly have enough strength to live without an alcoholic....
It is so difficult to live with the alcoholic....

We all have more strength inside of us than we realize....and we never know how much courage we really have, until courage is the only option left.....

aliciagr

I was afraid and ashamed to talk to my family and close friends too. I wasn't able to do it until I had spent some time in therapy and worked through some of my own emotions.

I find its always challenging to look at a situation through a different lens. When I read your post, it feels like having your LO come in like he did maybe did that for you?

I just wanted to add my support to the mix. Take care of yourself and your LO. Its not easy to figure out how to handle situations like this, and you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

trailmix

As for your family, they might judge you. Then again, they might not. Keep your secret from them if you want to, that is your prerogative but find a safe place to vent (like SR!).

I don't know how old your child is but yes, he does know. He may not know it's dysfunctional, this is his "normal". That's the problem.

If you do stay on with your A I would really recommend getting your LO in to counselling as well. Al-Anon for you would also be very helpful. He however is going to need help if you are staying, that is a fact.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, this is not easy.

dandylion

Knowledge......here of SR, we have an extensive library (also. called "stickies"..located above the threads). There are more than 100 excellent articles on how alcoholism affects the loved ones. Enough for you to read and digest one, every single day....lol....
There is sooo much to learn.....LOL--your name is Knowledge!


I noticed that you said, back in 2016 that you were going to look into alanon…..I think that is still a good plan....as it is somewhere where the people understand, beyond words, and you can ventilate and get support and validation for your feelings....
You are going to need all of the support that you can get, as you go forward.....

Even if you feel that you are not ready to tell others, right now....


I am giving you the following link to the library of articles...…

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)