I was more inclined to scream the question why! when I got caught up in this with my husband. I really don't think I could have found inner peace if I had not looked for the answer, and finally come to accept a conclusion which I think is true.
One of the first things I did was look for a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine to help me understand, and then with those answers I began to sort out my feelings and my next steps.
There is a lot of medical and psychological information online about Alcohol Use Disorder: Why it happens, Why people cant stop, Why they are in denial, and Why wont they seek treatment.
There are so many studies about the Why' part also. Genetics, environment, dysfunction in the family, trauma, poor coping, peer pressure. low self esteem, depression, anxiety.
My husbands 'WHY he 'started ' fits into the above list.
My husband is a binge type user.. I remember watching him and thinking ok, when is he going to stop. This is not normal for him and any day now he is going to realize it and stop.
The Why he couldn't stop, and why he needed help stopping - were important to me also. Looking up the concept of chronic relapsing brain disease might help you. It will explain how changes in the brain occur and put a person into a state of denial.
My sweet husband became abusive when he was using both drugs and alcohol. It was nothing that I did, nothing that I deserved.
Like another poster shared - now that my husband has stopped drinking and using drugs, and has been in therapy... he has foggy memories of things he did while under the influence. He describes it as being able to think, but not in a rational way. He said he saw situations differently, processed things in a different way, missed many parts of things. His ability to reason was poor. He doesn't even remember many things. Basically his brain was not functioning properly at that time. In our family sessions as I told him about things that happened, and how I was affected. Many things he did not realize or he swears he saw it differently at the time.
He has accepted the fact that he was abusive towards me. And has apologized and I feel that he is sincerely sorry. But his recollection is still not really there.
I guess what Im saying is.. in terms of your getting an apology one day, if this man begins to make changes and recover. He may not remember everything in a detailed way. The apology may be more high level if it comes from just his recollection.
I had to edit this post to also note. Many people told me that abuse is not part of addiction. Its a whole different issue. I feel that they can be linked, as was the case with my own husband. BUT NOT ALWAYS. Abuse can be a whole other issue that is simply masked by the use of alcohol or drugs. So please keep this in mind. There is an old saying I think from AA - you can sober up a horse thief, but you will still have a horse thief. Who a person is at the core is a very complex issue.
I wish you peace in all of this. Inner peace, acceptance - understanding of the whys'
Originally Posted by
Leelee168 
Hi Everyone,
So you’re either going to scream or laugh when you read this; I’m personally banging my head.
I cannot get past the “why” and I am really, really stuck here. Why did he start getting drunk every day? Why was he so abusive? Why couldn’t he get help before things ended the way they did? My therapist and I had a discussion today about this and she told me just to see it as black and white; I can’t do it. I have tried, but I can’t do it. And this is holding me back.
My brain can’t comprehend that one person would do the things that he did without some drastic reason that compelled him or her to behave this way. It’s just completely outrageous. I would feel better if he would give a rational explanation—although I don’t believe him capable of rational thought, much less a rational explanation.
My wish list from this mess would be (1) that he would apologize for his behavior toward me, and (2) he would tell me why he did all of these things to me, and that explanation would be more than just “I was drunk.” Note: I said this was a wish list and I realize I will never get my wish for the questions, much less getting him to admit that he has a problem.
I’m watching him bounce around on the rocks at that place called bottom and he is the only one who seems not to notice where he is. This is still so hard for me. I’m angry at how he treated me and because of the drinking, and when I hear that he’s having difficulty and falling further down the black hole, my heart still aches a little. Today, I talked to someone who saw him a few days ago and said they thought he was sleeping in his car and he looked rough. All I can do is explain that I’m no longer his handler and I have no idea where he is living or who he is living with now.
Maybe if he told me “why” I could understand better and rationalize this so that, ultimately I would feel better? See...I just need that why.