You will let it go when you are ready. To get there, keep educating yourself on alcoholism, and reading here. So many people see themselves in other posts here on SR, and see the things that helped those people. Things start to make sense to you. Then the puzzle pieces start fitting together.
What you said here kind of answers your own question.....although I don’t believe him capable of rational thought, much less a rational explanation.
Exactly, he's not rational. He's not even capable of giving you an answer. At the very, very least, you deserve an answer and heart felt -on-his-knees apologies. You didn't deserve this, you didn't want it, and its not fair. But you might never get the answer you need.
My husband is 7 months sober and he still is foggy headed sometimes, and gets confused and flustered often. I've asked him so many times....why did you do ___ or ___? What were you thinking when you said ___? 90% of the time he said "I don't know." And he really doesn't know.
Everything is foggy and jumbled. He has also told me he saw, in the background, what he was doing to his family. But the main thing he saw was the time of day he could start drinking, how many beers he had left, and when he needed to get more so he wouldn't run out.
So you can kind of see how their brains are working. Or not working. Its like they are there, but taken over by something else. There is something Dandylion says, that I repeat to myself, until the day I believe it. I don't believe it yet, I'm still too mad at the alcoholic selfishness! But she says....They arent drinking AT you. They are just drinking. That's what alcoholics do.