Hi Everyone,
So you’re either going to scream or laugh when you read this; I’m personally banging my head.
I cannot get past the “why” and I am really, really stuck here. Why did he start getting drunk every day? Why was he so abusive? Why couldn’t he get help before things ended the way they did? My therapist and I had a discussion today about this and she told me just to see it as black and white; I can’t do it. I have tried, but I can’t do it. And this is holding me back.
My brain can’t comprehend that one person would do the things that he did without some drastic reason that compelled him or her to behave this way. It’s just completely outrageous. I would feel better if he would give a rational explanation—although I don’t believe him capable of rational thought, much less a rational explanation.
My wish list from this mess would be (1) that he would apologize for his behavior toward me, and (2) he would tell me why he did all of these things to me, and that explanation would be more than just “I was drunk.” Note: I said this was a wish list and I realize I will never get my wish for the questions, much less getting him to admit that he has a problem.
I’m watching him bounce around on the rocks at that place called bottom and he is the only one who seems not to notice where he is. This is still so hard for me. I’m angry at how he treated me and because of the drinking, and when I hear that he’s having difficulty and falling further down the black hole, my heart still aches a little. Today, I talked to someone who saw him a few days ago and said they thought he was sleeping in his car and he looked rough. All I can do is explain that I’m no longer his handler and I have no idea where he is living or who he is living with now.
Maybe if he told me “why” I could understand better and rationalize this so that, ultimately I would feel better? See...I just need that why.