allishope73

Hello kind people. I am still walking thtough yhe tunnel without light. Sober. I know in my heart i never drink . Its done and dusted. But today feeling really depressed. At night i still have flashbacks of normal life ... having normal human needs met as anybody deserves. I still feel sadness not even anger thinking how being idolised over 14 years could ... giving my best years as he said ... contributing to his health , wealth love and happiness ... how a human can turn a psychopath that i loved once. Now i m reading posts i did not even drink long or commited crimes. Not being perfect and in grief was enough for him. I think he was not mature to handle my grief as it was my role to deliver emotional support. He delivered practical. I feel so depressed of this life at the moment. Posting as trying to move up my mood and take small steps today like go to gym even through tears, try to cook smthg healthy maybe not the choice of my own but what managed to get from shop reduced items, trying to do some housework and prepare for tomorrow have two difficult meetings with a lawyer and welfare officer. I m so low i can see my hair falling of stress .... tears coming to eyes but you know what i m sober ... i need to believe and have faith. I know i have you. I still have me . I carry on ... it will pass ...i know from posts first two years of recovery are very hard. I am not masking staff and sfaff is still hear just bearing to deal with this just sober and with integrity. I do not let myself to be angry as we talked about acceptance. So yes sometime i loose Faith and need to seed it back in my heart. As long as i m sober one day a time my life will change for better. I recover i might even be back to work . I might meet new people . God Bless needed to post and share feelings not only on good days. Today is hard. Hope all have good sober Tuesday x D