Comfortably Numb
Catchy title, no? Lol
After breaking up with my ABF several times - not because I kept taking him back but because he either doesn’t remember or he is that far in denial - I have gone comfortably numb towards him.
He had gone with no drinking for 6 days (or so he said) and I said I would remain supportive of his efforts but would NOT be getting back together with him until he had at least 6 months in recovery. We had a fun 6 days with pleasant conversations and what I thought were positive interactions. Until one day his personality was off and I asked if he had anything to drink - not because I was “checking up on him”, but because I know that anything we discuss during such times will never be remembered. Basically, I didn’t want to waste my breath. Sure enough, he did.
That started another round of daily drinking...until Saturday night he got plowed and angry (common now - not so much in the past). He blamed his parents, he blamed me, he blamed the Universe and all who inhabited it, I guess. I cut off contact with one word - boundaries - and stopped responding. I then found myself feeling nothing. Absolutely no emotion towards him at all. The detachment I was so desperate for had happened - and yes, I felt compassion for the broken soul that he is, but from an outside perspective. It must be horrible to feel like he does every day.
I reiterated yesterday that I did not want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic and the nastiness picked back up again (yep - drinking again).
Today I had to remind him - yet again - that we are not together, and that I am focusing on myself. I have one more item of his that I am going to put in a storage unit he has the keys to and tell him he has 2 weeks to pick it up and then the lock will be changed. After that I will go no contact because I believe that is the ONLY way he will truly understand that I am not “with him” anymore.
I recognize that my numbness is dissociation. I know there are roiling emotions under the surface, but my brain has shut down the emotions as a defense mechanism.
For the record I’ve been attending Al-Anon meetings 2-3 times a week for over a month. It feels good and yet I feel resentment that I have allowed myself to get to such a state where I need to go. I love going, I love the people I have met there, but I LOATHE the necessity that the program even has to exist.
I’m making a commitment to myself not to get involved with anyone romantically for at least a year (ABF and I were together just shy of 10 months). I’m doing things for ME now.
Thanks for letting me vent (if you’ve made it this far). I know it’s disjointed but I needed the outlet!
Mellybug