Comfortably Numb
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
Comfortably Numb
Catchy title, no? Lol
After breaking up with my ABF several times - not because I kept taking him back but because he either doesn’t remember or he is that far in denial - I have gone comfortably numb towards him.
He had gone with no drinking for 6 days (or so he said) and I said I would remain supportive of his efforts but would NOT be getting back together with him until he had at least 6 months in recovery. We had a fun 6 days with pleasant conversations and what I thought were positive interactions. Until one day his personality was off and I asked if he had anything to drink - not because I was “checking up on him”, but because I know that anything we discuss during such times will never be remembered. Basically, I didn’t want to waste my breath. Sure enough, he did.
That started another round of daily drinking...until Saturday night he got plowed and angry (common now - not so much in the past). He blamed his parents, he blamed me, he blamed the Universe and all who inhabited it, I guess. I cut off contact with one word - boundaries - and stopped responding. I then found myself feeling nothing. Absolutely no emotion towards him at all. The detachment I was so desperate for had happened - and yes, I felt compassion for the broken soul that he is, but from an outside perspective. It must be horrible to feel like he does every day.
I reiterated yesterday that I did not want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic and the nastiness picked back up again (yep - drinking again).
Today I had to remind him - yet again - that we are not together, and that I am focusing on myself. I have one more item of his that I am going to put in a storage unit he has the keys to and tell him he has 2 weeks to pick it up and then the lock will be changed. After that I will go no contact because I believe that is the ONLY way he will truly understand that I am not “with him” anymore.
I recognize that my numbness is dissociation. I know there are roiling emotions under the surface, but my brain has shut down the emotions as a defense mechanism.
For the record I’ve been attending Al-Anon meetings 2-3 times a week for over a month. It feels good and yet I feel resentment that I have allowed myself to get to such a state where I need to go. I love going, I love the people I have met there, but I LOATHE the necessity that the program even has to exist.
I’m making a commitment to myself not to get involved with anyone romantically for at least a year (ABF and I were together just shy of 10 months). I’m doing things for ME now.
Thanks for letting me vent (if you’ve made it this far). I know it’s disjointed but I needed the outlet!
Mellybug
After breaking up with my ABF several times - not because I kept taking him back but because he either doesn’t remember or he is that far in denial - I have gone comfortably numb towards him.
He had gone with no drinking for 6 days (or so he said) and I said I would remain supportive of his efforts but would NOT be getting back together with him until he had at least 6 months in recovery. We had a fun 6 days with pleasant conversations and what I thought were positive interactions. Until one day his personality was off and I asked if he had anything to drink - not because I was “checking up on him”, but because I know that anything we discuss during such times will never be remembered. Basically, I didn’t want to waste my breath. Sure enough, he did.
That started another round of daily drinking...until Saturday night he got plowed and angry (common now - not so much in the past). He blamed his parents, he blamed me, he blamed the Universe and all who inhabited it, I guess. I cut off contact with one word - boundaries - and stopped responding. I then found myself feeling nothing. Absolutely no emotion towards him at all. The detachment I was so desperate for had happened - and yes, I felt compassion for the broken soul that he is, but from an outside perspective. It must be horrible to feel like he does every day.
I reiterated yesterday that I did not want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic and the nastiness picked back up again (yep - drinking again).
Today I had to remind him - yet again - that we are not together, and that I am focusing on myself. I have one more item of his that I am going to put in a storage unit he has the keys to and tell him he has 2 weeks to pick it up and then the lock will be changed. After that I will go no contact because I believe that is the ONLY way he will truly understand that I am not “with him” anymore.
I recognize that my numbness is dissociation. I know there are roiling emotions under the surface, but my brain has shut down the emotions as a defense mechanism.
For the record I’ve been attending Al-Anon meetings 2-3 times a week for over a month. It feels good and yet I feel resentment that I have allowed myself to get to such a state where I need to go. I love going, I love the people I have met there, but I LOATHE the necessity that the program even has to exist.
I’m making a commitment to myself not to get involved with anyone romantically for at least a year (ABF and I were together just shy of 10 months). I’m doing things for ME now.
Thanks for letting me vent (if you’ve made it this far). I know it’s disjointed but I needed the outlet!
Mellybug
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
It sounds like you really have it together, and are sticking to your boundaries like glue. And I love your sense of humour. Keep doing what your doing, esp. the numb part. Many of us on SR wish we would have reached the point you are at, with detachment, much sooner than we did. I think you're rocking it!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
Thank you for your kind words. Even after I wrote this he still didn’t get it. He started texting me all of these things he “understands” about his alcoholism, saying it’s time for him to get a job (he was fired a couple of months ago). When that didn’t elicit a response he started in on how he’s never asked me for a thing.
I did respond to tell him he asked me to be OK with his drinking, he asked me repeatedly to move my boundary lines and give up my own comfort so that he could continue to feed his addiction. He tried all of his manipulation tactics (begging, gaslighting, blaming me, and when all else failed anger) to try to change my mind. Every time he tried something knew I told myself “Quack. Quack. Quack,” because I recognized what he was doing. Yay me!
In the end I simply told him, “I've said all I need to say. You've been drinking and there's no talking to you when you're like this. It accomplishes exactly nothing“ and turned off my phone. There were a couple of replies after that but I had already gone to bed and didn’t reply.
I have said a hundred different ways that I’m done with the relationship and I’m focusing on myself.
It absolutely baffles me that he continues to be in denial that we are over after I’ve said it so many times. So, I’ll just have to show him. I always said that his actions show me that he doesn’t have the intention to quit, even though he has said it a million times; it is time for me to let my actions speak louder than my words.
I did respond to tell him he asked me to be OK with his drinking, he asked me repeatedly to move my boundary lines and give up my own comfort so that he could continue to feed his addiction. He tried all of his manipulation tactics (begging, gaslighting, blaming me, and when all else failed anger) to try to change my mind. Every time he tried something knew I told myself “Quack. Quack. Quack,” because I recognized what he was doing. Yay me!
In the end I simply told him, “I've said all I need to say. You've been drinking and there's no talking to you when you're like this. It accomplishes exactly nothing“ and turned off my phone. There were a couple of replies after that but I had already gone to bed and didn’t reply.
I have said a hundred different ways that I’m done with the relationship and I’m focusing on myself.
It absolutely baffles me that he continues to be in denial that we are over after I’ve said it so many times. So, I’ll just have to show him. I always said that his actions show me that he doesn’t have the intention to quit, even though he has said it a million times; it is time for me to let my actions speak louder than my words.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There's one way you haven't said you are over, and that is by continuing to respond to his texts and calls. Your actions are showing him that you are still engaged with him, and that's enough for him to find encouragement to keep trying.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
You are absolutely right, which is why today I'm not responding. He's tried...I haven't taken the bait and won't.
I have one more time I need to contact him and that's to tell him where he can pick up his bed frame...after that I don't ever have to speak to him again and will block his number.
I have one more time I need to contact him and that's to tell him where he can pick up his bed frame...after that I don't ever have to speak to him again and will block his number.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Melly,
I agree with SparkleKitty, he still has you going. He says something that bothers you and you engage with him. The only thing that is going to work is radio silence. Block his number, block him on all social media. Send him an email and then block him regarding the bed frame.
You are doing great, but you still haven't taken that final plunge. Good luck.
I agree with SparkleKitty, he still has you going. He says something that bothers you and you engage with him. The only thing that is going to work is radio silence. Block his number, block him on all social media. Send him an email and then block him regarding the bed frame.
You are doing great, but you still haven't taken that final plunge. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Alcoholic voice at its finest.
Originally Posted by Mellybug2018 
Thank you for your kind words. Even after I wrote this he still didn’t get it. He started texting me all of these things he “understands” about his alcoholism, saying it’s time for him to get a job (he was fired a couple of months ago). When that didn’t elicit a response he started in on how he’s never asked me for a thing.
I did respond to tell him he asked me to be OK with his drinking, he asked me repeatedly to move my boundary lines and give up my own comfort so that he could continue to feed his addiction. He tried all of his manipulation tactics (begging, gaslighting, blaming me, and when all else failed anger) to try to change my mind. Every time he tried something knew I told myself “Quack. Quack. Quack,” because I recognized what he was doing. Yay me!
In the end I simply told him, “I've said all I need to say. You've been drinking and there's no talking to you when you're like this. It accomplishes exactly nothing“ and turned off my phone. There were a couple of replies after that but I had already gone to bed and didn’t reply.
I have said a hundred different ways that I’m done with the relationship and I’m focusing on myself.
It absolutely baffles me that he continues to be in denial that we are over after I’ve said it so many times. So, I’ll just have to show him. I always said that his actions show me that he doesn’t have the intention to quit, even though he has said it a million times; it is time for me to let my actions speak louder than my words.
I did respond to tell him he asked me to be OK with his drinking, he asked me repeatedly to move my boundary lines and give up my own comfort so that he could continue to feed his addiction. He tried all of his manipulation tactics (begging, gaslighting, blaming me, and when all else failed anger) to try to change my mind. Every time he tried something knew I told myself “Quack. Quack. Quack,” because I recognized what he was doing. Yay me!
In the end I simply told him, “I've said all I need to say. You've been drinking and there's no talking to you when you're like this. It accomplishes exactly nothing“ and turned off my phone. There were a couple of replies after that but I had already gone to bed and didn’t reply.
I have said a hundred different ways that I’m done with the relationship and I’m focusing on myself.
It absolutely baffles me that he continues to be in denial that we are over after I’ve said it so many times. So, I’ll just have to show him. I always said that his actions show me that he doesn’t have the intention to quit, even though he has said it a million times; it is time for me to let my actions speak louder than my words.
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