I have always drank too much from the time I started drinking. Frequent weekly blackouts in my early 20's were the norm.
Now my sister...that was not the case. She had a wine cooler maybe once a month, if that. She started drinking heavily at around age 52. She very quickly became an all day drinker, unable to work or even leave her house and went on disability. She had been an RN, managing entire care facilities. She was so so brilliant and successful. She developed diabetes as well, and a host of other medical problems. She just died 3 months ago of alcoholic cirrhosis. She was 59 years old.
It is shocking what this can do to a person, even in a short period of time. I'm not being hyperbolic here...this can kill.
I understand guilt and shame, but right now, at this moment, you don't have time for those feelings that will keep you in the cycle of drinking. Please focus solely on quitting for good. You can work through the guilt and shame after you have quit and you can address it with a clear head. Right now it is only serving to keep you drinking.
The depression and anxiety are being exacerbated by alcohol. The single best thing you can do to effectively treat symptoms of both of those conditions is to quit drinking. Period. Then you can move forward with your doctor to address what's going on.
My kids were almost taken from me, due to my drinking. I do get the guilt and shame...yes I do. One thing I can say is that committing to quitting and not going back on my word, 11 years later my kids can trust me, they can count on me. They forgive me. I cannot tell you what that has done for my level of guilt and shame.
I can't change what I've done in the past. But I can change what I do moving forward.