Late blooming alcoholic, anyone else?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Late blooming alcoholic, anyone else?
Hello all. It's not "Late Night, Maudlin Street," but rather the latter-half of my life--and NOW I choose to become a full-blown alcoholic! Anyone else in my shoes? I'm 44.5 approx, married (if make it to October) 20 years, two kids, now 19 and almost 17. Have two BS degrees and one Masters, but in last few years have earned my PhD in secretive drinking, almost every day 6 or more "units" Experimented less than a handful of times underage, and very rarely even in college. Picked up a bit after meeting "the love of my life," but leveled out and went to zero before expecting to get pregnant/marriage and for several years while my kids were very young. My mum died when my son was 5.5 and daughter 3.5 and that year truly learned how "emotionally unavailable" my husband (of 7 years at that point) was. But my mother's death was kind of expected, as she smoked and binge drank all throughout my childhood. The following year was utterly unexpected though...my son started loosing his vision (age 6.5 years) and the distance between my husband and I quickly changed from a gap, to a void, and now over 12 years since the start of my son's cizion loss, our marriage seems like an abyss of loneliness, disconnection, resentment, and anger. And for the last 10 years my drinking has really picked up...in fact, in last 3.5 years I've gained almost 50 lbs and have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease and pre-diabetes. Have been treated for anxiety & depression for over 12 years. Just curious if anyone else out there is a "late bloomer" alcoholic, and if so, how are you fighting the battle/dealing with the guilt and shame?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
44.5 seems like a good age to quit! Don't you think Hopedeferred?
I can tell you one thing for sure, it's not going to get better, it only gets worse.
Quitting drinking won't magically cure ALL your problems, but you won't be making any new ones over your drinking, and you'd be surprised how much easier it is to deal with the ones you have when you start being able to approach them with a clear focused mind.
I can tell you one thing for sure, it's not going to get better, it only gets worse.
Quitting drinking won't magically cure ALL your problems, but you won't be making any new ones over your drinking, and you'd be surprised how much easier it is to deal with the ones you have when you start being able to approach them with a clear focused mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Hopedeferred - I always consider myself as a fairly late bloomer alcohol wise in that I didn't start to drink in earnest till I was 25...but I kept it up till I was 40.
You will definitely find folks here with similar stories to yourself, but I hope you can find something to help in every story you read here
D
You will definitely find folks here with similar stories to yourself, but I hope you can find something to help in every story you read here
D
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Turning 40, then 41, and just 42 sober has been the greatest gift. My 40s have started as my best decade yet in adulthood. Stopping now can give you things like 20 more years of marriage and most importantly, joy and peace and clarity for yourself.
Glad you are here.
Glad you are here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I quit when I was 43. I started binge drinking when I was about 13, and daily drinking by the time I was about 18. I used to think that my drinking really wasn't that "Bad" for the early stages, but looking back it was really a problem pretty much the whole time. Our addiction loves to downplay things and try to keep us thinking that it's really not that bad of course -its the oldest trick in the book!
As far as how to deal with the guilt and shame of past actions, the best medicine is to live sober and face all the issues we hid from while we were drinking. And to face/deal with any problems we avoided. Mine was anxiety - I had to accept that I needed help for that as well and finally got it, but not until about 2 years after I stopped drinking.
As far as how to deal with the guilt and shame of past actions, the best medicine is to live sober and face all the issues we hid from while we were drinking. And to face/deal with any problems we avoided. Mine was anxiety - I had to accept that I needed help for that as well and finally got it, but not until about 2 years after I stopped drinking.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
I started drinking at age 14. I had many starts and stops over the years and pretty much kept in under control until I hit about 35 or so, then I really ramped it up and was getting drunk on a daily basis until I finally quit at age 43. Had I kept it up, I would've been dead by 50. I'm now 52 and these past 9 years have been the best years of my adult life. It's never too early to quit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
The short answer is, yes. As you start to look into the issues you’ve identified, you will find many whose drinking follows a similar pattern. I encourage you to research, as I found reading about how others identified their problem and worked to solve it very helpful. There are many paths available to you.
I am 45 with a year of sobriety under my belt. I noticed in my 40’s that even though my drinking patterns were fairly stable (and heavy!), the way that i was feeling was changing. IMO, a combination of hormonal changes and the damage caused by drinking at the level I was were responsible for the shifts I was seeing. I knew change was needed for several years, but things got a little scary there at the end. The consequences were beginning to show themselves.
Sounds like you have a great deal on your plate. My experience has been that all of the various issues that needed to be addressed in my life were worsened by drinking, and sobriety has given me the ability to deal with them much more effectively. The improvements in health and emotional stability continue to show themselves.
As far as the guilt, it is still there. I can’t give those years back to my teenager. But I am doing my best now, and I have found peace with that.
Best wishes as you go forward.
-bora
I am 45 with a year of sobriety under my belt. I noticed in my 40’s that even though my drinking patterns were fairly stable (and heavy!), the way that i was feeling was changing. IMO, a combination of hormonal changes and the damage caused by drinking at the level I was were responsible for the shifts I was seeing. I knew change was needed for several years, but things got a little scary there at the end. The consequences were beginning to show themselves.
Sounds like you have a great deal on your plate. My experience has been that all of the various issues that needed to be addressed in my life were worsened by drinking, and sobriety has given me the ability to deal with them much more effectively. The improvements in health and emotional stability continue to show themselves.
As far as the guilt, it is still there. I can’t give those years back to my teenager. But I am doing my best now, and I have found peace with that.
Best wishes as you go forward.
-bora
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Late bloomer here -- "normal" drinker until my late 30s, and developed full-blown alcoholism by age 42 or so -- but I found that to be irrelevant to what I needed to do in order to recover.
Whatever age you are today is the perfect age to quit drinking and pursue a fulfilling life free of alcohol.
Whatever age you are today is the perfect age to quit drinking and pursue a fulfilling life free of alcohol.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I have always drank too much from the time I started drinking. Frequent weekly blackouts in my early 20's were the norm.
Now my sister...that was not the case. She had a wine cooler maybe once a month, if that. She started drinking heavily at around age 52. She very quickly became an all day drinker, unable to work or even leave her house and went on disability. She had been an RN, managing entire care facilities. She was so so brilliant and successful. She developed diabetes as well, and a host of other medical problems. She just died 3 months ago of alcoholic cirrhosis. She was 59 years old.
It is shocking what this can do to a person, even in a short period of time. I'm not being hyperbolic here...this can kill.
I understand guilt and shame, but right now, at this moment, you don't have time for those feelings that will keep you in the cycle of drinking. Please focus solely on quitting for good. You can work through the guilt and shame after you have quit and you can address it with a clear head. Right now it is only serving to keep you drinking.
The depression and anxiety are being exacerbated by alcohol. The single best thing you can do to effectively treat symptoms of both of those conditions is to quit drinking. Period. Then you can move forward with your doctor to address what's going on.
My kids were almost taken from me, due to my drinking. I do get the guilt and shame...yes I do. One thing I can say is that committing to quitting and not going back on my word, 11 years later my kids can trust me, they can count on me. They forgive me. I cannot tell you what that has done for my level of guilt and shame.
I can't change what I've done in the past. But I can change what I do moving forward.
Now my sister...that was not the case. She had a wine cooler maybe once a month, if that. She started drinking heavily at around age 52. She very quickly became an all day drinker, unable to work or even leave her house and went on disability. She had been an RN, managing entire care facilities. She was so so brilliant and successful. She developed diabetes as well, and a host of other medical problems. She just died 3 months ago of alcoholic cirrhosis. She was 59 years old.
It is shocking what this can do to a person, even in a short period of time. I'm not being hyperbolic here...this can kill.
I understand guilt and shame, but right now, at this moment, you don't have time for those feelings that will keep you in the cycle of drinking. Please focus solely on quitting for good. You can work through the guilt and shame after you have quit and you can address it with a clear head. Right now it is only serving to keep you drinking.
The depression and anxiety are being exacerbated by alcohol. The single best thing you can do to effectively treat symptoms of both of those conditions is to quit drinking. Period. Then you can move forward with your doctor to address what's going on.
My kids were almost taken from me, due to my drinking. I do get the guilt and shame...yes I do. One thing I can say is that committing to quitting and not going back on my word, 11 years later my kids can trust me, they can count on me. They forgive me. I cannot tell you what that has done for my level of guilt and shame.
I can't change what I've done in the past. But I can change what I do moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
I used to be a lightweight drinker, a beer or two <no more> when out because I was involved in the law enforcement/public agency side of work and was on call a good deal of my tenure. It wasn't until I changed jobs and got older that things started to amp up consumption-wise. I was in my late 50s when things got progressively worse. Fortunately, that I know anyway, I've remained relatively healthy but you mentioned thyroid issues (I now have) weight gain (post menopausal, ugh, a constant fight to keep my strength/muscle tone) just aging kind of sucks, but more so with the alcohol exacerbating health issues.
My advice to you would be (1) put yourself first, (2) work on your marriage issues if you have the desire, or leave if you have an unwilling partner. It sounds like, with your education levels that you are more than capable of making your way without a spousal unit. Life is too damn short to suffer with someone who has checked out of the relationship and is not contributing to the raising of your alls children. I myself would rather be alone than with someone who contributes nothing. What are you waiting for? It sounds like you've been "drinking" at your unhappiness. Find out what you want now and get busy having an awesome life!!
My advice to you would be (1) put yourself first, (2) work on your marriage issues if you have the desire, or leave if you have an unwilling partner. It sounds like, with your education levels that you are more than capable of making your way without a spousal unit. Life is too damn short to suffer with someone who has checked out of the relationship and is not contributing to the raising of your alls children. I myself would rather be alone than with someone who contributes nothing. What are you waiting for? It sounds like you've been "drinking" at your unhappiness. Find out what you want now and get busy having an awesome life!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I agree with ladysadie. Fix the relationship or leave. Intimacy heals much in a relationship. Most differences are forgiven if there is intimacy, so I'd start there and figure out what that barrier is.
If you aren't willing to leave...for me tradition and kids were further at the top of the list than my own happiness...figure out what needs to be done to fix it. My friend and I were having this discussion recently, her marriage is 25 years and mine is 23. Compartmentalization came up. Taking what you just can't stand and putting it somewhere else in your brain. come to think of it I do this with my alcohol cravings. there will always be things I can't change. Put those things on a mental shelf and get busy living.
If you aren't willing to leave...for me tradition and kids were further at the top of the list than my own happiness...figure out what needs to be done to fix it. My friend and I were having this discussion recently, her marriage is 25 years and mine is 23. Compartmentalization came up. Taking what you just can't stand and putting it somewhere else in your brain. come to think of it I do this with my alcohol cravings. there will always be things I can't change. Put those things on a mental shelf and get busy living.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Yes I'd call myself a late bloomer as I didn't develop a problem until my mid 30's.
Before that I never drank excessively and never alone and always knew when I'd had enough. I went through all the young adolescent adventures that would have launched me into a career as the "predisposed type".
"If it were going to happen, it would have happened long ago" is what I always said during my 20's. I never ever thought I would be where I am right now, not with booze.
Before that I never drank excessively and never alone and always knew when I'd had enough. I went through all the young adolescent adventures that would have launched me into a career as the "predisposed type".
"If it were going to happen, it would have happened long ago" is what I always said during my 20's. I never ever thought I would be where I am right now, not with booze.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I developed a drinking problem in my late 50’s, I think to cope with the fact that I had come to dislike a job that I had once loved-teaching-and that I felt my administration was treating me poorly.
I quit drinking when I was 60 because it wasn’t helping anything and was hurting my marriage to an absolutely lovely man. We stopped drinking together, in fact.
It wasn’t easy at first, but it got easier as time went on.
All I can tell you is that drinking doesn’t help amything.
As others have stated, it is far easier to cope with problems when we are sober.
Good luck.
I quit drinking when I was 60 because it wasn’t helping anything and was hurting my marriage to an absolutely lovely man. We stopped drinking together, in fact.
It wasn’t easy at first, but it got easier as time went on.
All I can tell you is that drinking doesn’t help amything.
As others have stated, it is far easier to cope with problems when we are sober.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I think it's never too late to become an addictive drinker, nor too late to stop. 
I drank in high school and college, fairly often to binge excess, but then there was a long period where I was a very moderate and occasional (rare) drinker. Then there was a long period where I less moderate and occasional, but it wasn't until I was into my 40's that I became dependent on the stuff. My first (high school and college) drug of choice was weed, and I remember not particularly liking alcohol back then, but I quit smoking (and doing all other street drugs) in my early 20's and just drank socially and lightly for years.
I think, regardless of what motivates us to drink, addiction to alcohol requires drinking significant amounts of alcohol regularly for a significant amount of time, so it's no surprise that many of us don't experience alcoholism until we're in middle age.
I drank in high school and college, fairly often to binge excess, but then there was a long period where I was a very moderate and occasional (rare) drinker. Then there was a long period where I less moderate and occasional, but it wasn't until I was into my 40's that I became dependent on the stuff. My first (high school and college) drug of choice was weed, and I remember not particularly liking alcohol back then, but I quit smoking (and doing all other street drugs) in my early 20's and just drank socially and lightly for years.
I think, regardless of what motivates us to drink, addiction to alcohol requires drinking significant amounts of alcohol regularly for a significant amount of time, so it's no surprise that many of us don't experience alcoholism until we're in middle age.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I know a lady (Well respected nurse until she retired) whose alcoholism manifested in her retirement. She almost lost her reputation and standing, and contact with her adult children and access to her grandchildren. Thankfully she found a good AA meeting and worked on her recovery and has now been sober 5 years. It was lovely to see pics of her enjoying her 70th birthday dinner surrounded by her loved ones, sober and happy.
BB
BB
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Actually alcoholism is a slow progressive disease and seems to reach it's peak in the 40's (just an observation). It is a depressant, so you are treating your depression with a depressant. Characteristic of alcoholics is loss of relationships and ability to cope. So you sound fairly typical.
Most important, what are you going to do about it. This is the most important thing, not the other stuff.
Most important, what are you going to do about it. This is the most important thing, not the other stuff.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Clifton, Virginia
Posts: 57
I started drinking daily, every night after dinner until I either passed out, blacked out, or fall asleep, in the late 40s. I am on Day 38, and I turned 50 this year. I have a great life in the eyes of the world, but I was living a lie. I drank myself to deal with life's shortcomings (according to me), my marriage was lonely, disconnect, resentment (just like you mentioned). The relationship with my wife got worst with my drinking, it became all about me drinking. I really wanted to change that, so I quit drinking. I am a new person without alcohol, no more anxieties, thinking clearer, making extra efforts to make things better.
Quitting drinking is the best thing you can do for yourself, no matter at what age. Staying sober is even better, your body and mind heals, your health gets better. You can't change others, but you can change to make your life better.
Quitting drinking is the best thing you can do for yourself, no matter at what age. Staying sober is even better, your body and mind heals, your health gets better. You can't change others, but you can change to make your life better.
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