Baker123

Last night I drank again for the first time in two days. In the past, one of the things that has made me want to drink was certain home tasks, especially cleaning my room, cooking and doing art projects. Once I started drinking, all I could think about were the things I had read here and how truly insane the whole process was - exceeding well-known healthy drinking guidelines (as I do every time I drink), going to the bathroom and peeing out all the water and vitamins I had put in my body the last few days... I really tried to step back and examine the whole process...did I like being drunk? No - not compared to how much I liked being sober those two days (which can be hard to realize when I drink several days in a row). Was the damage I knew I was doing to myself internally worth it? No - especially since I preferred to be sober. The leg, arm and hand stiffness that had gone away in the last two days came back, and, needless to say, combine that with my diminished capacity and I didn't feel like doing anything I thought I was going to do last night. I poured out my drink and the rest of the liquor I had and laid down on the couch and watched a movie instead....cross-eyed from drinking, so that wasn't much fun either.

I've heard a lot of people on here talk about the Addicted Voice (AV). Last night, I felt like I could start to tell the difference between AV and me...and I could see how purely irrational it all was. I prefer being sober, but my AV says no you don't! Normally, the more I drink one night, the more I crave it the next day. Today, there is no amount of craving that can make ME want to touch alcohol.

I do not, and never will, enjoy a safe limit of 1-2 drinks
Drinking the way I prefer to drink is NOT sustainable for a healthy life
Drinking NEVER gives me what I think it will before I start
I AM in the progression of alcoholism, and I can see the scary progression of it over the last ten years

Alcohol is nothing but a taker. It takes and takes from every aspect of one's life - physically, mentally and spiritually. For what? So my head can swim or even totally check out while my body still wobbles around the world and my mouth still speaks without me being there???

I really, really want to keep my resolve over this. I already know what it feels like to feel resolved for notable periods of time, only to lose resolve later, time and again. I made a list of all negative things (in no particular order) about how alcohol affects me personally. I thought I would share it because I think it shows how expensive this habit is to me:

1) Time spent worrying about internal damage done by alcohol. Not knowing if the feeling under my ribs is psychosomatic or real. Annoying and uncomfortable whether it's real or not.
2) Decreased dexterity in hands after drinking that can last for days
3) Leg/arm stiffness and weakness
4) Empty calories
5) Bloating
6) Swollen face
7) Losing vital nutrients and vitamins
8) Tasting/breathing out the overindulgence from the night before - YUCK! And, having to worry whether anyone smells it.
9) Dizzy when I look down, bend down, turn over
10) Brain fog
11) Body running hot
12) Money spent
13) Heartburn
14) Wasting time in the day thinking about alcohol
15) Depression
16) Anxiety
17) Rapidly changing thoughts
18) Waking up in the middle of the night feeling too amped to sleep (mild withdrawal)
19) Tingly toes
20) Saying things I regret
21) Lowered self-esteem and respect
22) Dehydration
23) Dry skin
24) Fight or flight feelings
25) Guilt
26) Feeling occasional "brain zaps"
27) Body and mind generally tired
28) Drinking one day makes me want more the next day
29) Lowered motivation the next day
30) Stinky sweat
31) Smoke a lot more when drunk
32) Muscle wasting
33) Not being able to take phone calls at night
34) Lying to/misleading people who thought I was trying to get better starting in January
35) Almost getting a DUI (progression to losing control in public)
36) Getting drunk nights on end changes my personality even when I think I am sober (I noticed this during long periods of abstinence)
37) Joint pain
38) Head/eye aches
39) Nausea
40) Don't feel like eating nearly enough (one small meal/day)
41) Loss of agility/wobbly feeling that takes days to come back
42) Nutrient deficiencies
43) Sore mouth the next day after a binge
44) Loss sense of self/inner child
45) Diminished reputation
46) Fear, uncertainty, and lack of confidence about the future
47) Not living with intention
48) Feeling isolated
49) Difficulty taking care of basic things that used to be easy
50) Loss of control resulting in injury or saying uncharacteristic things to others
51) Dry mouth
52) Fear of going to the doctor
53) Constant muscle spasms
54) Decreased memory, attention span, and mental capacity

I am sure there are a whole of other things I forgot to put on this list. Wow, not come at this so negatively, but it's amazing to see the high price that I pay in 54 physical, mental, and spiritual ways. It's SOOOO not worth it and I know from all that I read it will only get worse and harder. I want there to be that mental click that some people have talked about here where they decide, from now on, I am a non-drinker. I can clearly read about this and try to rationalize this problem and why it's so insane. But, I know it will take more work than just having that mental click. I feel like I need to learn more about AV and how to recognize it, and as I have seen emphasized over and over, make a plan. I KNOW drinking is NOT an option to me and that deep down, I much prefer to be healthy, and surprisingly, I KNOW that I prefer to feel sober over drunk, especially now that my alcoholism has progressed the way that it has and getting drunk is tiresome and painful.

Anyway, extremely all over the place and over analytical. Hope my list helps some other newcomers too - - I have more than 54 reasons (each of which are expensive to life on their own) to stop this madness and end the inevitable progression of alcoholism. Anyway, just wanted to put this all out there. All I know how to do is to analyze and try to intellectualize myself into a resolve and understanding, but that obviously doesn't work. Making a plan seems a lot harder. But I feel sooo much more hopeful and resolved about this today than I have since January. And I have made some goals. I'm moving to a new city for a new job in a few months and want to take up rowing when I get there. Practice is in the AM before work, so there is no way to get ****faced the night before. I feel like if I can just start training and eventually throw myself into this then it will keep me going - to have the comradery of a team, competition (a reason to stay fit and sober everyday), an outlet for exercise, making new friends, and getting out on the ocean (which is my favorite thing in the world). Beyond that, I don't know what my plan is besides to just chill and eat whatever I want for the next few days. I know I won't drink for a while but that I need a better plan for the long run. For now, the best I can do is not drink and get some exercise. And keep coming here - is that enough for now?

All the best.