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I want to be done as of today

Old 08-23-2018, 08:07 AM
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I want to be done as of today

Last night I drank again for the first time in two days. In the past, one of the things that has made me want to drink was certain home tasks, especially cleaning my room, cooking and doing art projects. Once I started drinking, all I could think about were the things I had read here and how truly insane the whole process was - exceeding well-known healthy drinking guidelines (as I do every time I drink), going to the bathroom and peeing out all the water and vitamins I had put in my body the last few days... I really tried to step back and examine the whole process...did I like being drunk? No - not compared to how much I liked being sober those two days (which can be hard to realize when I drink several days in a row). Was the damage I knew I was doing to myself internally worth it? No - especially since I preferred to be sober. The leg, arm and hand stiffness that had gone away in the last two days came back, and, needless to say, combine that with my diminished capacity and I didn't feel like doing anything I thought I was going to do last night. I poured out my drink and the rest of the liquor I had and laid down on the couch and watched a movie instead....cross-eyed from drinking, so that wasn't much fun either.

I've heard a lot of people on here talk about the Addicted Voice (AV). Last night, I felt like I could start to tell the difference between AV and me...and I could see how purely irrational it all was. I prefer being sober, but my AV says no you don't! Normally, the more I drink one night, the more I crave it the next day. Today, there is no amount of craving that can make ME want to touch alcohol.

I do not, and never will, enjoy a safe limit of 1-2 drinks
Drinking the way I prefer to drink is NOT sustainable for a healthy life
Drinking NEVER gives me what I think it will before I start
I AM in the progression of alcoholism, and I can see the scary progression of it over the last ten years

Alcohol is nothing but a taker. It takes and takes from every aspect of one's life - physically, mentally and spiritually. For what? So my head can swim or even totally check out while my body still wobbles around the world and my mouth still speaks without me being there???

I really, really want to keep my resolve over this. I already know what it feels like to feel resolved for notable periods of time, only to lose resolve later, time and again. I made a list of all negative things (in no particular order) about how alcohol affects me personally. I thought I would share it because I think it shows how expensive this habit is to me:

1) Time spent worrying about internal damage done by alcohol. Not knowing if the feeling under my ribs is psychosomatic or real. Annoying and uncomfortable whether it's real or not.
2) Decreased dexterity in hands after drinking that can last for days
3) Leg/arm stiffness and weakness
4) Empty calories
5) Bloating
6) Swollen face
7) Losing vital nutrients and vitamins
8) Tasting/breathing out the overindulgence from the night before - YUCK! And, having to worry whether anyone smells it.
9) Dizzy when I look down, bend down, turn over
10) Brain fog
11) Body running hot
12) Money spent
13) Heartburn
14) Wasting time in the day thinking about alcohol
15) Depression
16) Anxiety
17) Rapidly changing thoughts
18) Waking up in the middle of the night feeling too amped to sleep (mild withdrawal)
19) Tingly toes
20) Saying things I regret
21) Lowered self-esteem and respect
22) Dehydration
23) Dry skin
24) Fight or flight feelings
25) Guilt
26) Feeling occasional "brain zaps"
27) Body and mind generally tired
28) Drinking one day makes me want more the next day
29) Lowered motivation the next day
30) Stinky sweat
31) Smoke a lot more when drunk
32) Muscle wasting
33) Not being able to take phone calls at night
34) Lying to/misleading people who thought I was trying to get better starting in January
35) Almost getting a DUI (progression to losing control in public)
36) Getting drunk nights on end changes my personality even when I think I am sober (I noticed this during long periods of abstinence)
37) Joint pain
38) Head/eye aches
39) Nausea
40) Don't feel like eating nearly enough (one small meal/day)
41) Loss of agility/wobbly feeling that takes days to come back
42) Nutrient deficiencies
43) Sore mouth the next day after a binge
44) Loss sense of self/inner child
45) Diminished reputation
46) Fear, uncertainty, and lack of confidence about the future
47) Not living with intention
48) Feeling isolated
49) Difficulty taking care of basic things that used to be easy
50) Loss of control resulting in injury or saying uncharacteristic things to others
51) Dry mouth
52) Fear of going to the doctor
53) Constant muscle spasms
54) Decreased memory, attention span, and mental capacity

I am sure there are a whole of other things I forgot to put on this list. Wow, not come at this so negatively, but it's amazing to see the high price that I pay in 54 physical, mental, and spiritual ways. It's SOOOO not worth it and I know from all that I read it will only get worse and harder. I want there to be that mental click that some people have talked about here where they decide, from now on, I am a non-drinker. I can clearly read about this and try to rationalize this problem and why it's so insane. But, I know it will take more work than just having that mental click. I feel like I need to learn more about AV and how to recognize it, and as I have seen emphasized over and over, make a plan. I KNOW drinking is NOT an option to me and that deep down, I much prefer to be healthy, and surprisingly, I KNOW that I prefer to feel sober over drunk, especially now that my alcoholism has progressed the way that it has and getting drunk is tiresome and painful.

Anyway, extremely all over the place and over analytical. Hope my list helps some other newcomers too - - I have more than 54 reasons (each of which are expensive to life on their own) to stop this madness and end the inevitable progression of alcoholism. Anyway, just wanted to put this all out there. All I know how to do is to analyze and try to intellectualize myself into a resolve and understanding, but that obviously doesn't work. Making a plan seems a lot harder. But I feel sooo much more hopeful and resolved about this today than I have since January. And I have made some goals. I'm moving to a new city for a new job in a few months and want to take up rowing when I get there. Practice is in the AM before work, so there is no way to get ****faced the night before. I feel like if I can just start training and eventually throw myself into this then it will keep me going - to have the comradery of a team, competition (a reason to stay fit and sober everyday), an outlet for exercise, making new friends, and getting out on the ocean (which is my favorite thing in the world). Beyond that, I don't know what my plan is besides to just chill and eat whatever I want for the next few days. I know I won't drink for a while but that I need a better plan for the long run. For now, the best I can do is not drink and get some exercise. And keep coming here - is that enough for now?

All the best.
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Old 08-23-2018, 08:37 AM
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I would print out that list and put carry it with you.
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Old 08-23-2018, 08:44 AM
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WOW, this was an amazing post, thank you.

I know all of us are always only one sip away from downfall no matter how much time we have under our belt but I've always been envious of people that just knew, with complete and utter confidence they're 100% done. My AV is incessant, I hear it gets quieter with time, and it has even in these last 50 days. I just wish I didn't feel that grief or loss over what was easily my most destructive habit. I was speaking to a gent in a meeting yesterday about this and he said, "seriously, wherever you're at in that struggle, if you stay with the program and try your hardest no matter what, you WILL see miracles and things happen you would never believe". That's been so inspiring and exciting to me.

Thank you again, and kudos to this awesome self reflection.
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Old 08-23-2018, 08:56 AM
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welcome to the forum, and wow to the thought and effort of that list and post.

For now, the best I can do is not drink and get some exercise. And keep coming here - is that enough for now?
don't know, Baker, if that is enough for now. for you.
i could never analyze and intellectualize my way into staying stopped; i could get to "stopping" that way but invariably went back. until i was willing to make other changes, the most simple and first one was to have daily engagement and participation with others on an internet forum and getting immersed in sobriety-stuff: reading, asking, listening, conversing, ...

later, i did other stuff.

so i don't think anyone can answer if what you are planning is enough for you.
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Old 08-23-2018, 08:58 AM
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Wow what a list. I kept thinking "yup, check". Alcohol just makes problems that weren't there before.

Thanks. Really makes you think of that point where alcohol was your friend but in disguise was betraying you all along.
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Old 08-23-2018, 09:49 AM
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Thank you, Baker for a heartfelt & detailed post. I'm sure it will help motivate many.

The entire list could be my list. For years I clung to the idea that I could stick to a safe limit of 1-2. All I needed was more willpower. I allowed my dependency to grow, as I failed each time. Round the clock drinking & a ruined life is where I ended up. I'm so glad you're looking at the heartache it has caused you. Your desire to be free of it will bring you a wonderful new life.
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Old 08-23-2018, 10:36 AM
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Hi Baker123. I think we may be long lost siblings, you share my surname and my hatred, fear and loathing of drinking
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Old 08-23-2018, 03:09 PM
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Thanks for your thoughts. I know it will be hard for me at times because I've messed up a lot so far. But I feel different and pretty resolved yesterday and today. I know it's not enough for a long term plan though and I can't just will myself into a way of thinking. I'm glad to hear you're feeling inspired and excited. That's a sign of progress, right? Glad to hear you're making progress with your AV too. I'm still learning exactly what that voice is in me and trying to recognize it.
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Old 08-23-2018, 03:13 PM
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Thank you, fini. I definitely agree with you about coming here. Now that I am here and see how much everyone has in common and where it invariably goes in one way or another, it really helps. It also has really been helpful to connect w/ others who are so similar to me. I haven't ever tried this before, so it's really new. I think the connections are really important for resolve. So far, I haven't been able to just talk myself out of it - I always mess up. But, I feel really good today. Thanks for taking the time to write.
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Old 08-23-2018, 03:30 PM
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Wow, Baker, what a powerful post! I could have written that list myself. 54 reasons is a huge reason not to drink.

Glad to see you here at SR.
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Old 08-23-2018, 04:09 PM
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I hope you can make this time your time Baker

Check out our Class of August support thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-two-17.html

D
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Old 08-23-2018, 06:55 PM
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This was a great post to read, and it really stuck out to me when you said the more you drink one night, the more you want to drink the next day. I am the EXACT SAME way, which is so opposite of everyone i know. When I would go out with friends and get completely blacked out from partying, I’d wake up in the morning to texts from them about feeling like s***, I’m never drinking again, etc. Me....I’d be up at 9, ready to drink again, and often I would. I’m not sure if it was the hair of the dog thing, or what. Sober, that does not happen to me at all. I wake up in the morning from normal sleep, and just want coffee and a La Croix. I to this day don’t understand why that wasn’t the other way around.

Thank you again for posting this.
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Old 08-23-2018, 10:23 PM
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Glad you're back!
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Old 08-23-2018, 11:50 PM
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Thanks for this. You can do it. Put your plan in motion!
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Old 08-24-2018, 02:27 AM
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This is simply awesome. Thank you so much for posting this this. I am working on my step one and I'm strengthing my understanding of unmanageability. This really helps as all these things combine together to make life unmanageable. My list is frightening similar too.

Very best of luck in your recovery and thank you again xx
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Old 08-24-2018, 03:22 AM
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Originally Posted by rayna87 View Post
This was a great post to read, and it really stuck out to me when you said the more you drink one night, the more you want to drink the next day. I am the EXACT SAME way, which is so opposite of everyone i know. When I would go out with friends and get completely blacked out from partying, I’d wake up in the morning to texts from them about feeling like s***, I’m never drinking again, etc. Me....I’d be up at 9, ready to drink again, and often I would. I’m not sure if it was the hair of the dog thing, or what. Sober, that does not happen to me at all. I wake up in the morning from normal sleep, and just want coffee and a La Croix. I to this day don’t understand why that wasn’t the other way around.

Thank you again for posting this.
Thanks, Rayna. I could be wrong, but I think the feeling of wanting more the next day after drinking heavily while others just want to recover from a big night stems from the addiction part. Their bodies have not adjusted to constantly accommodate alcohol and there is a basic, normal rejection process the next morning and that desire to achieve their normal equilibrium again. Whereas with someone like me, my addiction (as I hesitate to say "body" here) wants me to replenish alcohol in the midst of coming down or immediately after coming down from alcohol. I think it is one of the same reasons why I can't and never will be, able moderate consistently and enjoyably. As soon as I start drinking one night (especially if it's in the midst of a bender), the anxiety and heart ramps up til I drink a certain amount. I am not claiming this is scientifically accurate or anything, but sometimes it FEELS like mild withdrawal, like maybe my body is kind of anticipating based on past experience that I am going to pour 1/2 to a full fifth of a depressant toxin into it and it better start ramping up a bit. That feeling when I first start drinking is what makes me want to slam back the drinks. I have no wisdom at all when it comes to long term recovery, but I am at least convinced now based on my experiences and what I have read from people just like me that it will never change. In my first post a fews days ago, I said something like, "I am lucky I am not the type of alcoholic that is physically addicted." I can see now that that is untrue! I think I am obviously physically addicted, but it is so overpowered by the psychological dependency and the expectation that it's going to give me a certain something that stopped doing a long, long time ago. But, like you said, the physical part wanes dramatically with abstinence of even a day. Thanks for sharing and getting me to think more about this. We are lucky that we don't have to deal with the physical hell that many do...yet, but all this stuff we are talking about progresses to that. Let's not go there. I'm on Day 2 right now and feeling good!
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Old 08-24-2018, 09:13 AM
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Wow, what an amazing post and a very compelling list. Congratulations on 2 days, of course everyone...whether they have been sober for a week or 50 years...has started where you are now. The challenge is to build upon that without snowballing, thinking too far into the future and paralyzing yourself with the enormity of it all, if that makes any sense. The "one day at a time" philosophy, only committing to the 24 hours directly in front of you.

For me, when I finally stopped drinking I was in a very similar spot to where you are now...no crazy consequences YET, but more of a feeling of being completely drained and half dead, not really living my life at all. 8 months later, I'm in a completely different headspace, I would be hard pressed to name any element of my life which is not vastly improved.

I would do as Dee suggested, and join the August 2018 class. Post there constantly. Drink a ton of water, eat whatever sounds good (your rock-hard physique can wait a few months, trust me on that). Think of activities that you can do instead of drinking alcohol to cope with triggers, such as boredom or stress. You can absolutely do this, and we are here to help you.
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