I know that what I said is contradicting. I also am not thinking clearly again. I do want help from someone I know. I do need medical help but I want to avoid anything invasive. I know that is not possible. If I go for help I know they'll want blood work and more. I know this is my problem. If I refuse any treatment there is no sense going.
I have been trying to get help for forty years now. I think that a time does come when you have to accept who and what you are. Most of my life has been just a horrible existance. About a year ago I accepted that I was gonna die. But obviously that has not happened. I would like to get better, I mean completely better. If I can't live a pleasant and happy life I'd just rather be dead.
I absolutely agree that people don't understand mental illness. The thing that really bugs me is that people in the medical field don't understand it either. I know what you mean about making plans for dinner and stuff. I have done that a few times. And I even did it for a trip to the ranch in New York. When I couldn't go my ex wife was very upset. I was told you don't love me and that I only care about myself.
I tried to get some people to understand at least a little and they just don't understand at all. You said unless it's their nearest and dearest. I thought I had some people like that. I was confident that these few people would always be there. I did not choose mental illness it chose me. And because I was born with an illness I am ostracized and condemned.
I have only been to a couple AA meetings. That was when I was in the mental institution. I personally didn't get anything from them. I will say I didn't give them enough chance. When at those meetings all I could think about was getting out of there.
A couple of my teeth are bothering me and I am freaking out about that. My first thought was to pull the teeth myself. I have a tremendous fear of dentists too. I had a few bad experiences with dentists. I do have a dentist now who is very good. He is kind and understanding about dental phobia. I almost passed out when I got novacaine before. And at that time she was very concerned and even called me at home.
I live every day of my life in complete and total fear of the world. And with this fear comes complete and total anxiety. I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed. This is a horrible existance in which there is no help and not even a slight bit of understanding.