Pathwaytofree

I understand what you mean. And AA step work doesn't address this at all. We're supposed to be kind, loving, tolerant, and patient to spiritually sick people. We're not supposed to be a doormat or grovel, but it doesn't really focus on this enough.

I remember early on in my sobriety, I drove 3 hours in traffic to visit a friend. When I finally arrived at her home, she didn't offer me a drink or anything. The first words out of her mouth were, "My mother's here, she was just taking a nap." But her mother was actually awake. It was odd. I finally asked if I could use the bathroom and have a drink of water.

I had thought she and I were going to do stuff together. However, over the next three hours, I sat there calmly and warmly, listening to her mother talk about all of her medical issues. It was the most bizarre thing ever.

I thought this is what AA meant, by being kind, loving, tolerant, patient, and being of service.

I called an AA friend on the drive home who is also in Alanon. She told me about Alanon's "be kind, be brief, be gone." She said I should've been kind and tolerant for a short while, and then left.

I commend you for living your own life. You owe absolutely no one an explanation for going no contact with your parents. You have to save yourself. People in that much pain will drag you down in their own misery and pain. It's really sad and unfortunate. You can "detach with love", which is another thing my AA/Alanon friend taught me.

Your growth is tremendously inspiring. Anytime we are able to look within at our own thoughts and behavior, is where the growth starts. We can't have growth without pain. Just like my profile icon here says "every flower must grow through dirt." Keep going. You're likely growing by leaps and bounds right now and will see it all in hindsight.

I used to think I had zero ability to fix my life, because that was the lie that was placed in my head by my parents and siblings. They'd say it to my face, or behind my back. Constantly. I believed it. They needed me to be in that role, so they could feel superior, make fun of me, and then have to "fix" me--all to feed their extremely insecure little egos.

With the help of therapists, I was finally able to see what a lie all those messages were. They helped me finally see that the truth is, I am very capable of living my own life without them, and I can fix my own life. That made them livid at first, when I stopped telling them all my personal and private stuff. I was their "supply" and I was taking that away from them. I used to get angry when people didn't fix my own life--not because I "expected" people to fix my life, but because I was so full of self-hate that I couldn't fix my life and everyone else could fix their own lives. My family wanted me to "expect" them to fix my life, because it gave them a sense of power and control that was their drug of choice. This was me back then:

And this is me now: I am a mature woman of dignity, calm, inner peace, inner strength, thick skin, drama free, clear mind, inner reflection, and growth. I don't stand for people who put me down to bring themselves up. I do not allow toxic or abusive people in my life, family or otherwise. My personal life is no one's business but mine. If you don't respect me, I show you the door and wish you well.

That being said..... I didn't exactly learn any of that in AA. I learned it indirectly through the painful growth of my step work, but it took therapy to to nudge me in this new direction. Being of service includes being of service to ME. That's not selfish. That's self-care.

I just read this paragraph now, I missed it. :-) And I agree whole-heartedly.

Were you taught this in AA, or figured it out for yourself? I think in some AA groups there is way too much emphasis on "sin", "character defects", and "serving others". Maybe it depends on who organized the group. Maybe their experiences were different. The person who started my former home group admits he was spoiled, well cared for, and not abused. But he seems to think we all had that growing up, as did my former sponsor. As someone said to me in another thread, "there's an awful lot of projection going on in AA." I truly think that has a difference on the various AA teachings.